poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the tchotchke critic
unknown

swag me baby and I'll give you a literate clit-a-crit,
 1
           (leer with my tongue lashing jibe)
 2
slut up to me with your verbalicenteous gerunds
 3
and worthless rhymes while I make hasty cliche' ass-clinchism simile-slimes
 4
 
 
unless you're a corporate china-doll with a tight
 5
smile and a plastic shine to give me a head-job -
 6
fluff my emasculated urbanity, assuage my hapless dreams, my Mr. solid-for-ya', 'see-man', hidden-penis screams
 7
 
 
I'll swag'ya with tickle-toys that'll glitter in your hand,
 8
buttons of memorabilia to enhance your capital-tits;
 9
scold'ya with inanity when you drop a diphthong;
 10
smack'ya with a jesticulate-jeer, then drink my oor-ban boor-ban with beer-
 11

6 Apr 10

Rated 4 (7.9) by 5 users.
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Comments:

hah! "I'll swag'ya with tickle-toys that'll glitter in your hand" - nice
 — unknown

lol - you old cow...
 — unknown

OldShite is a fuking rude dude who'd bully you to believe he's in the know even though he don't write or show any insight above nor beyond his rote memorization of Robert's Rules of Writing au fond? unK is his familiar liking his clinched-ass
 — unknown

Language is the source of misunderstandings. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

interesting word play but little alliteration or music
 — unknown

good poem
 — stout

thanks all ... it's for oldShite's who don't write but castigate word-spit and dress ironic-hip
 — AlchemiA

hahahahaha!  Sly, bold and creative.  It's modern, the slang works well.  Good (hand) job!
 — Isabelle5

thanks Is-a-belle the 5th - it's for those critics that bitch-slap the guys and caress the girls and we know why ... they get by with the feeling of a special wink and a sultry smile but shrink from writing -- their i-dull eyes need you to see how brilliant they are to see that they read your poem unless your a guy then the rage against the write just to feel anger warm their oldShite
 — AlchemiA

Oh dear AlchemiA...

How you make me blush!

All this fervent animosity and endearing slur, for little old-me?

So sweet and sudden -- the malevolent-Mephistopheles becomes your muse.

On a technical note.. it's dull.

But I still love you.
 — OldShoe

nothin' remotely 'technical' in that slur, sir and when you see with 'i-dull-eyes' it'll all begin to blur, fer'sure ... if I was a cute 'lil-girl with whiney-shiney-verbiage to lick yer' lil'inward-dick, you'd pick-up a line or two to woo me too, ya'lil' prick...

Beelzebub is my brother with an overtly-high-IQ , he killed two stoneRs with a 'bird' he screwed and took over their tuff-turf and said as he disappeared behind the scene, that a 'house' is a 'bed' for them and a 'bid' for me, two-hotels are my-base, but you'll never see me --

as for me I'm on course taking it to the world of virtual-IT where guys like you could never be 'cause guys like you are extra ordinary...
 — AlchemiA

wordplay that would excite a good comedy writer, not bad at all.
fem
 — unknown

hey unk! that's what i was going to say!
 — jharrison

Come on, compared to so much stuff here, you can't possibly think this is dull!
 — Isabelle5

LOL

specially enjoyed assuage my hapless dreams. thanks.
 — unknown

Alchemia?

I will be gob smacked.
ouch.

I think this is Masterful.
Wrath, Sir, becomes You.
 — unknown

thanks y'all for seeing the 'gall' --
 — AlchemiA

oldShite began this Mor-cuss fuss of failed-reasons and also proclaimed that he's an asshole kinda critic, ya'know

assholes have only a few nerve-endings to distinguish between a 'gas' or 'solid' fecal matter which is why they get confused when there is a liquid presenting itself ... as such they cannot determine the 'content' and usually just soil themselves - that's a metaphor for their inherent critique-ability, that is, they're range is just not capable with a two-move asshole ...
 — AlchemiA

Alch... don't forget the ever allusive three-move asshole... solids & liquids out & then off to deep knee bends in the cucumber patch... very fun use of language!  I just hijackulated some Miracle Whip on my chin... sloppy hoggie
 — jpmhawk

nice Happy Days reference, too... many a tchotch roam the streets these days
 — jpmhawk

'little-rat-eyes' = the literati that squint as they leer, drool as they jeer, all for the fun of castigating-spit, spurting hurting-words that split you open in surprise, as they rummage through your spill't-viscera, and in their self-serving lies they'll even tell you they're wise ...

they've got their own language and their cliques, as they're something like hyphenated-hyenas with Orwellian-speak - they're schadenfreude-frauds
 — AlchemiA

oldShite you're an elite-literati believing in cynicism, sharing your hate in the way you bemoan and berate - watch the little-rat-eyes glisten as they worm their tale, scratch their whiskers, avail you, assail you with artifice, 'til you too believe in the glowing-pessimism of this Faustian familiar with lice
 — AlchemiA

HaHaHa!  This just made my day!  Love the play on words--very creative indeed.
 — PaulS

thanks PaulS - so this was a response poem-jeer to OldShoe and his quivering-mass of pontifically-correct attacks on my 'Bukowski et alia' and 'Other shoe' poems -- not to mention how he bitch-slaps the guys but sweet-talks the girls which makes his toes curl --
 — AlchemiA

oldShite, the bi-cameral interpretation is mainly askew of what you thought you knew as intuition is what you lack, though you've a knack for the cunning-lingual attack -- your binary two-move assholisms are old tricks of the trade, smoke and mirrors with a broo-ha-ha rage - we read Poetry to heal the wounds that reason makes while you reason that wounding Poets is making friends and influencing people ... kinda' insane - have another drink for me would ya' 'hic
 — AlchemiA

yay, a ground-breaking similitude.

Criticism is often not a science; it is a craft, requiring more good health than wit, more hard work than talent, more habit than native genius. In the hands of a man who has read widely but lacks judgment, applied to certain subjects it can corrupt both its readers and the writer himself.

Most critical writing is drivel and half of it is dishonest. It is a short cut to oblivion, anyway. Thinking in terms of ideas destroys the power to think in terms of emotions and sensations.
 — unknown

fuk'yeah!!!!
 — unknown

ideas and emotions, yes... but, the poem is a crafting of the idea of how a poem should look. the poem isn't an emotion, it's an emotion device, realized when the reader reads the poem. the emotion is created in the reader, and it's a new emotion ( the emotion of this poem, not just what people mistakenly think is an emotion on a shelf in their brain-box )... the emotion is personal to the reader, but shaped by the author. the poem is a documentary of the author's crafting of the poem, and the emotions the author feels are only reflected in what the author Doesn't say -- what's left out for 'clarity' or 'effectiveness' -- the poem isn't direct expression -- or, at least the poems we usually read: the expressive, emotive, poem would be a scream... jarisson's 'argh' poem, for instance... something working just because it's a joke.

emotions aren't felt in words, they're felt as feeling and kinetic motion. the poem creates an illusion -- language itself creates an illusion -- of virtual realty, but one only realized, actualized when it's shared by the reader and understood as 'read this as emotion'.

crappy poem use words as lists of what people say... tell you the feeling, instead of evoking the feeling in a matrix of mood and mind. 'intellectual poems' are never really poetry, and create a distant and calculating relationship between the author, something scorned, and a passive reader.
 — bmikebauer

so you're saying the emotion is a flag and not really imbued in the word choices here as kinetic feeling?
 — AlchemiA

'flag' implies the emotion is latent or inside you somehow, but it's actually a dynamic thing, created out of a set of feelings. feelings aren't symbol to mind, only to body -- as 'felt': they have no content but 'shiver' or whatever.

so, emotion is the complex, the sublime, creation in the reader's mind, out of the reader's experience of consciousness and aesthetic and, really, 'poetry reading'.
 — bmikebauer

people here, in their naivete', feel that they're just like everyone else -- and, really, none of them are poetically like any other poet. the emotions They feel are unique to their being and physical reality, unique to their ability to see inside things and physically sense the future. their poetry cannot be like anyone elses, since their feelings and emotions are only approximations to anyone else's feelings. i mean, we're not materialists, if we think that poetry is about 'feeling' -- we have to have a connection between our consciousness of the whole reality we live in and the private reactions and expressions of our own person and personality.  the poem can't give the reader a simple emotion, but it can resonate in the reader's sensibility, the reader's 'feelings'. the reader sees in the poem whatever can be seen by the reader, but the reader can't 'be' the author... and, that's obvious... no one can deny that the reader is seeing a reflection and re-presentation of the author's emotion... a presentation the reader simply has to do the best with that he can. if he can't -- if he's not up to the poem's references -- then the poem goes either into 'arty, and worth mentioning' or 'crap'. but, usually, there's some one phrase in the poem which grabs any serious reader, and maybe something about the rhythm or structure... the way the poem's presented.

the good critic watches how carefully the content of the poem is laid over the author's world-form -- what the poem 'looks' like -- and sees what slips out and away in show-off or simply laziness, and what writes stronger than the form: what can be said to be worth working on in the poem to make it effective as emotion and poetry.
 — bmikebauer

let me guess over middle age man, no job, this is all he does all day getting fatter and fatter
 — unknown

You two should just get plane tickets, a hotel room, fuck, and be over it already.

At this point, I don't know who would have the more severe sore throat from all the cock-gobbling going on.
 — unknown

what's happening is that i'm working on a handbook for beginner poetry publishers, and i'm working out ways to say things about poetry that aren't all 'it's farting roses from my sensitive ass' kind of comments. and, what you're doing is just keeping it in the behind -- you're not talking anything about poetry and craft writing, just about you and your special needs.

get off your crutches and start thinking about why your writing is so lame.
 — bmikebauer

"handbook for beginner poetry"

I doubt you will find anyone who will deny your expertise in this area.
 — unknown

if they read, they'll read as 'handbook for beginning publishers of poetry' -- it's to help zine publishers make more informed selections from poetry they're not familiar with.

hope you get your reading skills back. i know that phys. therapy after stroke is hard, but maybe you'll come back more conscious than when you left.
 — bmikebauer

mid-aged IT Professional and Geekster
 — AlchemiA

with geek kidlets and a giggle of wives
 — AlchemiA

and I ride my bioniX bike to and fro ya' know ... when I'm not driving my geekster Prius
 — AlchemiA

on course today and tomorrow with Architecting Microsoft Server Virtualization Solutions -- imagine many OS's under a failover set of Servers -- automagically manages memory and CPU affinity -- sweet
 — AlchemiA

thanKs for the mystery 7 unK
 — AlchemiA

The sounds of this are tasty--making the big pill of humor go down easily.
Allen
 — unknown

This is top-notch from a technical standpoint. It also has one of the most unique narrative voices I've ever seen. Considering what I read 99% of the time as an editor of a small press, it always amazes me to find poetry like this exists out there somewhere. Well done. Ben
 — unknown

Editor of a small press my ass.  This is garbage.
 — unknown

I loved your poem "the tchotchke critic" and thought it'd be a crime not to at least ask you to submit to my journal Muscle & Blood.

It's a new journal, and its first issue doesn't come out until June, but it's already shaping to feature up some great poets. I also publish a journal called Liebamour which already has its first issue out, so logistically things are figured out.

At any rate, with your permission, I'd love to toss "the tchotchke critic" around to the other editors (we're a team of 4) and see what they think. Feel free to say no, and it's also fine if you'd rather submit something else.

Ben

P.S. the unknown above is a know-it-all
 — unknown

P.S.

No one gives a shit about your two-bit online journal.  You know nothing about literature besides the starbucks coffee-shop circle jerk'n'sip yack.  You probably masturbate to a DVD copy of Dead Poets Society.

I bet you have a blu-ray copy on pre-order.

Save yourself a bit of dignity and just shut up.
 — unknown

oh i get it. hes cut and pasted comments from frrewrights peer review. betcha he doesn't do that with their criticism.
 — unknown

oh the fuk'ing arrogance of ignorance - unK you're just a smarmy jealous fuk
 — AlchemiA

unK's hasty cliche' ass-clinchism simile-slimes in the mirror as mime
 — AlchemiA

there is a tarot card, the fool, which has a Green-Man looking up at the sky where the Sun is dripping down into shadow - he's got a beatific smile - a footfall away is a cliff, there he has a foot hovering over the abyss - he carries a bag over his shoulder - behind him is a yapping Shitsu pecking at his leg, un-noticed by the Green-Man, the Fool, who is full of potential --

guess which fuk'ing archetype you are unK? fuk'ing whiny yapping Shit-in-you dog!
 — AlchemiA

smarmy? who am I flattering? not you for sure. so who are these people who so love this poem? they're not members here. you don't get enough smarmy (the correct usage here) response here so you import it from another site?
 — unknown

yap fuk'ing yap yap - I can see it now, you'll be one of those old, alone, mouthy and in pain creatures at the hospital - word-spit'ing at the Nurses, degenerating into your habitual attack-mode with glaring eyes and drawn-pale grey skin - the Nurses will ignore you generally, while some of them intentionally cause you injuries by dropping you by-mistake, on-purpose - you'll degenerate, get MRSA, but it'll be the same for you - more vile-shit coming out of both ends ...

I've seen your bloated hedonism has made you partial to schadenfreude-isms - a blocked liver condition
 — AlchemiA

hedonism? buy yourself a dictionary son, you keep misusing words. and i see that as usual you refuse to answer when the only answer you could give would redden your cheeks.
 — unknown

'cause you're just another mouth-piece of an inane culture of word-righteousness which makes you think you're sophist-significant but you can't get it up to fracture-language into something remarkable and new like Poets do - fuk'ing yapyap-lap dog chasing somethin' bigger than you, is what you do

you don't have Bauer so you chase my tales - kind of a boring life you've got there with you're two-move assholisms
 — AlchemiA

Whadya mean I don't have Bauer? Is he gone? Anyway, you're conveniently mistaking me for someone else. I think Mike is very helpful to those of us who can get over his tone. I have never written disparagingly of him.
I've watched you feud with Oldshoe; he's kicking your ass ya know--and you're like the limb-less knight who insists on continuing the fight. Now, I don't think proclaiming oneself an asshole is the right path for anyone--though you surely think that's the path I've chosen--but he's got you all figured out.
 — unknown

that's the fatal-flaw - 'figure'd out with reasonable-doubt - you and oldShite have nothin' remotely work'd out as reason can't see past it's own reflection - you're a narcissist bully and oldShite's a pedantic bully - why don't you both get a room and irony-out your cliche'd ass-clinchism simile-slimes together

as for Bauer, I recognized his talent for real abstraction and intuition long ago - he love's leaky language and can jazz-a-mix metaphors without batting an eye while you 'reason' that irony is cutting-wit which is the cliche'd literate shit with no style in it

is that cancer in yer' colon or are you just unhappy all together
 — AlchemiA

I don't even know who this unknown is and frankly, I don't give a flying fuck.  But if you want to call me out AlchemiA... go for it.  Any day you want it.

I got nothing against you personally, just wont stand by bullshit, no matter what color you want to paint it.

Have a nice day.
 — OldShoe

You either have a serious personality disorder or you think I'm the one who called this poem garbage. I'm not. In fact, I kind of like this poem. My question is why you feel you need to bring in (only the good) commentary from another site. You still haven't answered that question. Instead you respond with flying spittle invective.
 — unknown

"smack'ya with a jesticulate-jeer, then drink my oor-ban boor-ban with beer-" Gold.  The whole poem, in my opinion.  I often ask myself, 'can rage ever be conscious?'  I think you may have answered my question.  Good stuff, Alch.  I haven't been following the 'OldShoe' bollocks cause I haven't been here for some time, so I came to this only with me, and none of your history, only mine.  It fits, weirdly.
 — CervusWright

thanks CervusWrite for the kudo's and just diggin' the write - it's not just a fight but the  flight of a multi-vectored silver-tongued selective-invective toward a grievance against the pride and prejudice in any literati's insular tone when they cut to the bone ... anyways, you're not alone
 — AlchemiA

oldShoe if it weren't for you I'd of not of writ this poetic-polemic of the literati-critic - so thanks - it's hard to tell these unks apart with their inbred little-rat-eyes and their venomous word-spit


anyways paranoia will destroy ya'
 — AlchemiA

hahaha - the third strophe is a darkness in the deep of darkness that ends in a 'piss-off' sentiment - which is funny? -- there's an archetypal noir-ness that saturates the dirge which becomes oppositional-defiant - a clash of old-english high-metaphors and new-english ironic-metaphors gives this piece an internal tension - it's as if the bard we're bursting out of an EMO-boy with lot's of piercings, a beautiful youth who word-spits in punk'd sextings - I read it over to get the rhythmic-feel and delight in your masterful music making - the send-off strophe is an image that sticks in the mind as scenes with mature themes .... enjoyed
 — unknown

long winded wordy stuff
 — unknown

I believe those who are seeking the truth but I doubt those who find it... LITERARY critics fall into two camps: those who make value judgments, and those who don't.
 — unknown

a poet is an assertion without a body.
 — bmikebauer

i do confess, that your protest, though assertive from the cuff
is nothing more, than rhetoric bore, from professor of no less
 — unknown

you're being academic. get used to having unruly students.
 — bmikebauer

anyone who has to quote others' noises instead of making your own words about what's important to you is an academic. just because i form concepts doesn't mean i'm any kind of academic. it means i'm creative with symbols and like to use words. that's not what's a poet... it's the need to express emotion causes smart or clever wording to lift out of smug... but is the lego world before the poem. don't confuse having seen and able to say, with something that gave you a grade once.
 — bmikebauer

i do confess, that your protest, though assertive from the cuff
is nothing more, than rhetoric bore, from professor of no less
.
 — unknown

thanks for the critique, professor.
 — bmikebauer

lucy_fur lurvs u
 — unknown

Quote - Chomsky embraces the  Julien Benda  view of the world. There are two sets of principles. They are the principles of power and privilege and the principles of truth and justice. If you pursue truth and justice it will always mean a diminution of power and privilege. If you pursue power and privilege it will always be at the expense of truth and justice. Benda says that the credo of any true intellectual has to be, as Christ said, ‘my kingdom is not of this world.’ Chomsky exposes the pretenses of those who claim to be the bearers of truth and justice. He shows that in fact these intellectuals are the bearers of power and privilege and all the evil that attends it.” - unquote

such as it is with the literati and their 'power and privilege' posturings
 — AlchemiA

WOWZ!
 — psychofemale

thankS psychoGrrl
 — AlchemiA

muscleandblood.com will publish my poetic polemic in June just in time for my B'day on the 21st - YaY

Dear AlchemiA,

I am pleased to inform you that your poem "the tchotchke critic" has been accepted for publication in our upcoming debut issue of Muscle & Blood magazine. Our editors were intrigued by your unique use of language and the slipperiness of this piece. Congratulations, and thank you for your submission. We will be in touch when the issue is nearing print, which we anticipate to sometime late summer or early autumn.

JM Francheteau
Poetry Editor
 — AlchemiA

Sweet,
Nice one.
 — unknown

Hah, priceless!
 — unknown

Boring.
 — unknown

only boring-people get bored
 — AlchemiA

voila!
; )
 — fractalcore

HAH MOST DEF...
 — unknown

h ttp://muscleandblood.com/issues/issue-1/jerry-whalley/
 — unknown

'muscle' as in, 'i work out at the literary gym to tone my vocabulary'. but, good that you got published, alc. this is way not your best work though, and its novelty attraction shouldn't be taken for more than bursts of needs finding a resting place between t.v. shows.
 — bmikebauer

you're write mike ... not my best but a whack-o-word making from a mensch flam-bay having a say ... actually I'm biking in the Gulf Islands, Saturna presently, riding with silence watching the wheel press on pavement, wind-whooshing whirl'ds, unravelling gravel in a granular sentiment of sediments, up rolling hills to sudden spills into bays where settled-brown logs become Sea Lions barking and seals larking in the spill-ways playing with the jewelled-currents, slip-streaming sensual-reeling, in these fall-Sun days, sun-downer days with a feeling for the rolling land where the sandstone, in carved wave-etched curves echoes the Sea...
 — AlchemiA

yes, but this was just one of your prose responses, lifted out and made into a 'poem', and that's cynical. especially when others here are hanging by a thread and trying to write themselves a rope to safety. but, what really bothered me in this one was that it was just a slap at some fools, but written up in form like an essay, looking like a serious argument. i don't know why the fool from muscle-poem wanted to print this, but i suspect it's because he's superficial and liked that you said a lot of nasty stuff about anonymous 'critics'. that's not real on any level but ha-ha, and this isn't really a 'ha-ha' poem. cool if harry comes on and defends this poem against my crit of it. 'ironic', as they say.

cheers, and happy fall up there in b.c..
 — bmikebauer

seven years ago.
 — cadmium

so you are smarter... she doesn't love you.
 — percocet

Alchemia get a job.
 — percocet

ohh, ohhh, your phrases, ohhh, ohhhh!
 — percocet

"Swag me," Rly.  WTF.  Line 4, "worthlessness." true.
 — percocet

Alchemia you have the right to shut the fuck up.
 — percocet

yup
 — percocet

look at you.
 — percocet

u win.
 — percocet

YaY whad'id I win? oh I'm so special, lady luck smile on me -- special special me...
 — AlchemiA

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