poetry critical

online poetry workshop


Too much cliche
I can't find my rhythm
Sick of the same response
I need more criticism
Is that all you've got
Says the poet to the lyricist
I'm talking to you
I'm banging my fist
Hard on the table
The blood starts to write
On the paper before me
Like rain that could blight
The prettiest garden
Of words from the soul
That bloomed from emotion
No structure, nor flow
I'll take my lyrics
Although they're cliche
Stay true to myself
And go on my way

8 Apr 10

Rated 8 (8.8) by 2 users.
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i won't be a poem until you have to write one, and the only time you have to write one is when you're so damaged emotionally that you can't lie to yourself anymore.

people who don't really care about poetry say that everything's poetic, and everyone's a poet. they have to say that, cause they write about how mean people are to them and how hard it is to be macho when you really feel like an effeminate drunk with a keyboard. those aren't the people you want for critics. don't write unless you have to, and, if you want to doodle and noodle the way we all have to sometimes, don't expect that your limited education and small inspiration is going to turn you into dorothy parker or teasy eliot.
 — bmikebauer

i got a response out of someone thank you
 — psychofemale


-- Dormat
 — unknown

 — psychofemale

Dude, you have a kick ass voice.  Just checked out your band.

As you pretty much said yourself, this sounds more like lyrics than poetry.  I can hear some of those power chords behind it, though :)

"like an effeminate drunk with a keyboard"
hahaha aww mikey
 — aurelius

thank you so much!!! that really put a smile on my face! :D
 — psychofemale

way to say it yes
 — unknown

thanks i think :) :P
 — psychofemale

Not cliché.  I like this lyricist, screaming for lyricism.
 — shallee

thank you so much :D
 — psychofemale

line 18 they're and there shouldn't be an apostrophe after cliche.  i think lines 9 to 12 should be a poem by themselves. it sums up what your saying in a metaphor.
 — bear

it flows very well too :-)
 — bear

that means a lot. thank you :P  yes i will change their to they're how silly of me :D and the cliche :D
 — psychofemale

STOP PLEASE, listen to what you are writing, stop with the rhyme and reason
and let your words be the voice, poetry is not only about wedging in the same sounds.
 — unknown

they are lyrics
 — psychofemale

I can spot a lyric that is already vocalizing and this one does! I love all the craggy cutty sark references "Hard on the table/The blood starts to write/

Yes. I sing too and know that it takes a few musical notes to rhythm something that may read chaotic or without purpose.
Single in tone! Good for you.

Thank you for sharing it. Warmly, Dianne
 — MDianne

if music be, and this be muzak, video it up, with cher and tom cusak.
 — bmikebauer

very nice Alison... I have a few things to say
line 4 the word criticism sound too heavy..and break the flow

the secend stanza add nothing to the poem -or the song !
however the opining lines of the third stanza or very powerful! as it came from different poem or poet !
the last line in the third stanza I think it end with a forced rhyme
very nice try for the fourth stanza and very vivid image to,

the most powerful lines in each poem supposed to be the opining and endings lines and the most beautiful thing in your ending lines -They are beautiful -that they have a massage
and flow too easy

one of the best that that I read today very nice Alison
 — muhammed

Why thank you that means much...thank you for your opinions
 — psychofemale

I wish people wouldn't imply that lyrics aren't poetry. They are. If they weren't then why would so much poetry have been transformed into songs so brilliantly. Ask Shakespeare! Poetry comes in so many guises and each is as worthy as another in its own way.  

I really liked this. Your message was clearly communicated through some strong and effective images. Perhaps you needed to commit one way or another - to go with the rhythm or not. Would line 4 sound better as just "Need criticism"? I loved the satisfying finality generated by the flow of the last four lines.

(You've got a great voice, by the way. And I'm old enough, and British enough, to remember Black Lace!)
 — MarcusLane

Ahah thank you so much! Yes, blacklace tried to sue us, but I think our name fits us better now its not so 80s :P

I really appreciate your comment and agree with the whole lyrics are a form of poetry! thanks for that
 — psychofemale

what would move me as this, would be:

too much cliche,
i can't find my rhythm...
sick of the same respoze,
i need more crishiticism.

is that all you've got!?
says the poe to the eticist:
i'm talking to you,
banging my fisssss.

hard on the tay-ble,
the blood starts to write.
on the tay-ble
the paper starts to fight:

the pre-tee-est gaarrden
of words from the soul...
all bloomed from emotion,
no structure; no soul.

i'll take up my lyrics
although they're cliche --
stay true to myself,
and you go away.
 — bmikebauer

Aren't you CUTE!  Personally, so is the poem, but I think you can do much, much better.  Stop forcing it.  It'll come when it's ready.  Poems are like babies.  They have to be carried, nourished and then born.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  How's that for "cliche?"  LOL! xo
 — starr

it was really forced though, it flew right on out
 — psychofemale

 — psychofemale

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 — shaotang

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