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The Hunted-67

normal adults
      do not want to hear  
         trauma narratives...
   the burden of the brave        
         validated forever by
      my authority as a writer
   the hunted one
         embarrassed to be a soldier
   on the edge
             of the China Sea.
         self preservation,
      escapism, moral revulsion
   my source of anxiety
           is this feeling of shame,
      the trauma of Viet Nam
   left with faceless responsibility,
         faceless grief, paranoid dread.
   cold and rotten
               silly and sad
      winning hearts and minds
             while firing weapons
  begging for the noise to stop
         it made the stomach believe
       you gotta listen to your enemy
    while fighting in the mountains
  moss fuzzing on the bent club branches                                                            
       or hard green bananas
         dangling from trees
  the smells of chlorophyll and jungle
     soft humming jungle,
                 everywhere green
  itching jungle, lost jungle.
               it wasn't a war
                     it was a love story
  with everyone
Mike Hendershot 2010

8 Apr 10

Rated 10 (9.1) by 2 users.
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Intense well-written poem that I feel loses a bit of steam on end line 38.  Instead of 'getting screwed', might I suggest 'heartbroken' ?  Otherwise, nice write indeed.
 — JKWeb

     Thank you sir for your timely suggestion.... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

you've done a nice job delivering this one,
great poem.  
to add to jk's suggestion i would go one step further and remove 'getting', L38.
 — jenakajoffer

Damn,this is good!  Your "67" poems seem to get better with each write.  It may be presumptuous of me, but I think you find some measure of sanity through your writing.
 — PaulS

I read this before you changed "screwed" to "heartbroken."  If you keep "heartbroken" you probably should delete "getting."
 — PaulS

     Why thank you Jenakajoffer,  also removing getting makes it cleaner, there are probably lots of spots where I could have cleaned it up   thanks for your comment   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

A Love story? I guess you could say that. The jungle was beautiful in its way, but I don't think I Loved it, although I am heartbroken. Good write, again.
 — JohnW

another powerful piece in the 67 series!  the last 4 lines are fantastically poetic and they bring a strong finish to a strong piece.  
 — Tandisol

    JohnW thank you for your interest in this piece, what I meant by a love story is everybody got fucked, just like you felt you did and I did, this was not in sexual way etc but a way of saying it was a bum deal. j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    PaulS when you comment about sanity... are any of (us) sane we are driven thru the cold,dead places where nothing comes your way, at those times of that mental block, it truly is hard to work something out each week, I am dried up... damn good but what will be there next week ? the tension mounts... thanks for your thoughts and cares j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    Tandisol, your blue eyes penetrate my heart... I could drink a case of you, I'd still be on my feet... fantastically poetic these are words I have longed to hear... thank you so much for you interest in the sage of-67   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

 — aurelius

    aurelus... my final editor, thanks for your keen eye, it should have stuck out like a sore thumb... my spelling is rough at 62... j. g. smiles
 — goeszon

oh, great ending goesZen - this is good writing!
 — AlchemiA

you have a good sense for sobriety, an intense write, well done.
 — manuka

    AlchemiA   there are a few who like the ending the oxymoron  my editor helped me change it around a bit but my heart was where it is today I changed screwed to heartbroken both fit but one was more genteel of course so it stuck which I am happy about, every word and thought about this is true to the nature of losing game of war, no one wins, think about the children my friend...
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

well sometimes you just gotta' say it simple, like country music, go for the 'heart' and not the 'head' games - we all 'know' too much so 'head' jobs are unsatisfying and cliche' in irony, while poems should batter the head and pierce the heart - like this does, Mike!
 — AlchemiA

    Manuka... Serious, solemn, intense, an ambush set in your mind... well done? we shall see...

            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;        Goeszon
 — goeszon

AlchemiA... something dumb  happens along time ago and you can't ever forget it... there's no silent resentment for spilled grapes, only spilled blood for old mens games... the Viet Nam that keeps me awake, flies and gnats on the old whiskered mans face, greeting the dead , saying hello as they talk back, rodger that... to hear from you twice means something to me when others are silent, your thoughts are invoked by the thoughts of the children... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

lines 36-39
wow. thats amazing.
 — silentspring

'my authority as a writer' reeks of a self-grandiosity.

it de-strengthens your thoughts by emitting a flase sense of validation.

your not as great as you think you are
 — unknown

    Silent spring... What is amazing is my editors that help me... j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

this is flippin' awesome.  the meter is really strong, driving the reader forward at a steady, comfortable pace so that no line goes unsavored; and many of the lines are quite delicious.  
       Curious as to why you've chosen to use such sparse punctuation, and not sure it adds anything (it doesn't really take anything away either though).  I may be missing something here (as i normally do), but i think a little more punctuation couldn't hurt.
 — joelala

j... after you read enough poetry you find the cadence, and the little spots on the page to tell you when to think don't really mean anything anymore.
 — bmikebauer

    Joelala... Your comments are a goats horn of abundance, thank you very much for being in my corner like the fellow just below you...
My lack of English skills was because I had a choice, girls and cutting up vrs. paying attention etc. the  girls and Marines won out... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    bmikebauer... very interesting comment and thought provoking, you know my excuses... thanks for stopping by Mike... j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

 — unknown

    Unk... On knowing all Unk's are not created equal it is a rare pleasure to thank you out there in Unk land... it takes nerve to say this is nice in your position... you have renewed my faith in the system!   j.g. smiles   really, thank you Unk!
 — goeszon

 — unknown

    Unk... This is a unique comment I have never seen before, maybe it means the end of the month when S.S. comes and my small pension or it is a compliment in another sense... thank you Unk you too have raised my faith in the decent approach, I am sure you know my thanks... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Possibly an alternate word for heartbroken?

      the trauma of Viet Nam
   left with faceless responsibility,
         faceless grief, paranoid dread.


the trauma of Viet Nam
leaves faceless responsibility
faceless grief, paranoid dread

very good, powerful topic
 — Alethophobia

    Thank you for your interest in editing this piece Alethophobia, but my heart says stay on third base... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Superb write
 — psychofemale

   ( P/F Flyer, always pretty blue eyes)
You are always welcome on channel 67
Thanks always you queen of verse
for your comments...
j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

you still ain't fix the typo, man.  c'mon
 — aurelius

    Aurelius.... remember the old man part, well, short memory... thanks for pointing that out to me again, finally right... your my hero this morning here on the west coast.... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

I'm pretty sure he was talking about "preservation" in line 11.
 — JKWeb

JKWeb thanks for your edit qualities you constantly are helping me here at P/C...j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

heartbreaking, indeed.  I wonder if you will carry this guilt to your grave, not realizing that it wasn't your fault, it shouldn't have been our war and I wonder if anyone still blames you or anyone besides the damnable politicians who thought there was a way to win.  This is an echo of the current wars that cannot be won.  There are so many good lines throughout that I won't even pick them out.  

I do not believe normal adults do not want to hear the narrative of the broken soldiers who were blessed to return.  We need to hear it sometimes, to remember that for some of our citizens, the war cannot seem to end.
 — Isabelle5

I second Isabelle's comment.  
 — sybarite

Isabelle5/ Sybarite thank you for your comments.... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

     As for the other fellow...  "The Horla... he has come!" thanks for the sneak rate of 5 why not a 1?
 — goeszon

19s contrasting adjectives could have been a bit stronger, to extentuate the power of 23-24. Love the last stanza. Amazing. Keep writing :)
 — Callisto

Callisto... Thanks for stopping by and your comments... j.g.smiles
 — goeszon

I hear the noise of battle and in your head in this piece and would also like to smell the smells of war.
 — pasnitro

    Pasnitro...  I sorta know what you mean but I didn't put smoke in like I should of... sorry but thanks for your comments... Goeszon
 — goeszon