| Common Ba-67
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goeszon
| She was a common Ba | 1 |
a revered old woman, | 2 |
caught up in conflict | 3 |
all her life. | 4 |
Finally caught by shrapnel | 5 |
deep between her shoulders | 6 |
gaging it was | 7 |
a sentence to death | 8 |
Yet a young man | 9 |
maybe her grandson, | 10 |
pushed up a bamboo raft | 11 |
to float her across | 12 |
the Cam Lo River. | 13 |
I swam my way over | 14 |
to him, pushing the raft along. | 15 |
I was sure my face was | 16 |
the last | 17 |
she ever saw. | 18 |
In a feeble attempt to save her, | 19 |
I carried her to medical aid | 20 |
leaving her with the doctors | 21 |
was all I could do. | 22 |
In the morning | 23 |
came the order, | 24 |
take her back | 25 |
to her village. | 26 |
I saw her on her | 27 |
back, dressed in her black | 28 |
and white pajamas, | 29 |
her death garments. | 30 |
I struggled mentally | 31 |
bringing her lifeless body back | 32 |
to the members of her family. | 33 |
Their crying and wailing | 34 |
and slapping their legs, | 35 |
were a common display | 36 |
of loss. | 37 |
Stunned by their grief | 38 |
I too mourned, for the time | 39 |
my grandmother died. | 40 |
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Mike Hendershot 2010 | 41 |
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15 Apr 10 |
Rated 9 (8.7) by 9 users.
Active (9): 2, 4, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10
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Comments:
Heavy and sad poem with a poignant ending. Though omit the comma line 13 and maybe omit "laid" in line 28. Other than that, nicely conveyed.
— JKWeb
I agree with JKWebs suggestions and would add one, to remove "the size" from line 7 and just leave it as "gaping,"
adding "the size" is redundant.
Other than that........this is a very well written and sad reflection on "collateral damage" that is anything but collateral when it surrounds you and swamps you with unforgettable emotion. You have a great deal of empathy and it shows in this piece as you translated the emotion of your own grandmothers death into tears for a stranger.
nicely done!
— Tandisol
Really a good work, though I'm not clear why you need the wandering typewriter gymnastics. The breaks are good enough: I'd flush this one left, rather than slide in and out on each line.
There are a few bumps in this otherwise decent poem.
An exclamation point is unnecessary in line nine. It shouts the line, when it should really be murmured -- realization sinking in.
Line 20 - "In a feeble attempt to save her" - is weak. The word "feeble" is especially wasted. You said in line 9 that she's under a death sentence. There's no need to restate that in line 20 with a weaker word.
Line 28 - the word "there" is common enough speech, and something we'd say out loud. But in the structure of the poem, it seems to relate back to "village" in line 27. Lose "there" altogether to strengthen 28.
Line 32 - The mental struggle doesn't feel right. Though it alludes to the torment of returning the body to the family, it's not a good descriptor. I'd bring this out more.
Those are minor nits for this good work.
— DianaTrees
Good for you man. A great show of humanity to a people who suffered unfathomable indignities and inhumanities. "Ba", for those who don't know means "old woman" in Vietnamese.
— JohnW
JKWeb thanks for your help editor... j.g. smiles
— goeszon
Tandisol... as is sol (Sun) thank you for staying with me with your edits and comments, these things happened today as they did then me stripped down to my boxers who cared almost lost them , my commander yelling at me get back over here there were enemy running around over there where I was and me in my under ware looking for wounded, well you do what is right at the time after all we were there to help their country right? well how about the people, they got what was left of the medical treatment she was old they probably just gave her an over dose of dope and she was gone out of pain and this world j.g. smiles thanks
— goeszon
I liked this one
— psychofemale
Diana Trees incredible edit thank you for taking the time to dig in to this piece Besides one other person I would love to have you as a editor for my pieces, me with no grammar experience, these are not minor nits they are helpful hints once again thanks for stopping by I don't remember seeing your monicker before? J.G. Smiles
— goeszon
JohnW Yes, Ba does mean older woman, when you saw an antique, walking with cripple legs from years of work you wondered how she had survived without being quick, without having a game plan, skinny old women with their hand in a bun with dirty white material around it you knew long hair was longed for in Nam all women had long black hair but you never had the honor to see the old ba's hair... j.g. smiles
— goeszon
Very good, as usual. Is this a re-write of uncommon Ba?
— PaulS
Psychofemale... it is a honor coming from a songwriter, I have my faves, time will tell... j.g. smiles
— goeszon
I can't pronounce it, Mike, but when thanking an older woman in Vietnamese, the phrase looks like the title of your poem. It's "Com-mon-BA!" I learned some simple Vietnamese greetings when I worked in a factory 20 years ago as a Material Handler. This is really striking and sad; powerful and emotive. Good work! :-) Oops. I just timed out. Be back to show my signature.
— unknown
Okay...here I am signing the above crit. :-)
— starr
Chow om, baby or toddler, chow em children, chow ong young adult, Chow Ba was the address to and old women , can't remember old mans address, I wrote Chow because it is simple to pronounce, thinks for your interest Starr I hope I don't get timed out again for the 3rd time j.g. smiles
— goeszon
I feel like the ending could be reworded to make it even stronger, perhaps indicating that the loss of a grandmother in a war is a loss for humanity. This is tied for 1st in your saga =]
— Callisto
Calisto... thanks for your comments, it should have at least pulled a 9... j.g.smiles
— goeszon
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
This seems to be so unmelodic and prosy.
— pasnitro
I feel like this is a scrapbook of something I'd have preferred to be in the middle of. I'm not sure there's an immediate fix for that, and besides, plenty of people seem to like this anyway.
— unknown
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