poetry critical

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Letting go of the "perfect" you
unknown

My heart cried a river last night,
 1
For thoughts of letting you go breaks my soul in pieces.
 2
I never thought I’d end this way,
 3
Troubled, haunted and confused.
 4
Still you’re right, the logical you…
 5
How could you be wrong anyway?
 6
The brilliant man looked up by many,
 7
Noble, just, and true...
 8
You played your games well,
 9
No dilemma of loosing.
 10
You stood there unshaken and composed,
 11
Who am I to be part of you?
 12
Tribulations of my life shouldn’t stain your persona,
 13
This chaos in my heart pierces like a knife.
 14
Still I’ve got to let go of this insane melodrama,
 15
Let you live the life you worked hard to gain.
 16
This is my mind talking and not the heart,
 17
For the heart would always say please stay.
 18
Lose all my pride and beg you to love me,
 19
Tell you I just can’t set you free.
 20
I’m trying to battle with my reason,
 21
Gathering all the composure of a lady.
 22
For this one way love is hurting not only my pride,
 23
It also steals morality.
 24
Farewell my used to be knight,
 25
Spread your wings and take your flight.
 26

18 Apr 10


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Comments:

good.
 — silentspring

thanks silentspring.
 — unknown

This is awful... perfectly awful.
 — unknown

AVOID CLICHES!!!!

They are everywhere in this...

my heart cried a river
letting go of you
pierces like a knife
set you free


if you are writing as a form of therapy than keep on doing it and enjoy it and grow as a person, if you are writing because you want to become a good writer, than avoid these cliched phrases, and this type of poem which has been done a million times, and this topic, which has been sung by every singer-songwriter that has ever lived
 — unknown

Well, look on the bright side... if it was first written on paper, at least it can still have purpose as kindling for a fire.
 — unknown

since when do knights fly? Is this like a "when pigs fly" type of thing, but with....knights?
 — unknown

My parole officer is into cruel and unusual punishment. Last night she sat me down at the computer and made me read this.

L1 cliche. L2 cliche. L3 double cliche. L4 synonyms for emo.

L5 & 6 ramblings, broken by L7 another cliche. L8 cliches for knight.

L9 cliche. L10 how is "loosing" a dilemma? If you're a loser, you're a loser.

L11 ugh. L12 cliched question. L13 the (not very high) peak of the poem.

L14 triple cliche. L15 insane melodrama is correct! L16 cliche.

L17-20 quadruple cliche. L21 & 22 Do composed ladies battle their reason?

L23 UGH. L24 does this mean you're immortal or dead?

L25 & 26 since when do knights fly?

If you are an angsty/melodramatic teen, I apologize. If you are not, you ought to apologize to everybody on PC for posting this.
 — unknown

WOW. This is great....really great
 — psychofemale

it is a bit cliche but at this point i can really relate to it
 — psychofemale

No it is not great Psycho.  It is terrible.

A prime example of how not to write poetry.
 — unknown

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