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fuck your oysters

you came for me
when the sky was too dark to see the way
you came for me
not an angel nor a saint
we both had sinned, the chance was slim
for us to ever escape
these crooked worlds
that we had built around us with guilt
regret and bitter words
we were nothing anymore
not even lovers
playing love under covers
our soul was sore
our hearts were
we waited for eternity
we got lost
inside ourselves
and then we went
and then we searched
and what we found
deep underground
in the stone
forgotten hopes
we had denied
for we had grown
into sensible adults
with only mission
to succeed
no matter who
the fuck we eat
on the way
to the throne
promised by the ads and fads
and all the noise
i don't want to be a slave
to the wage
to a country
or to a man
or a bank
or to a poultry
i don't want to
keep laying eggs
just because
they want me to
live my life like
they live theirs
it does not make me happy
it just makes me like them
trying to escape the scent
of a giant rotting oyster
i'd rather stop and smell the roses
or even the lilys
dead wise men
have already made
a notion
a cliché
worn to the bone ad nauseam
but rarely executed
carpe diem
but a day is too fucking long
all i need
is a moment

27 Apr 10

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Is it wrong to say Amen to that? :8/
 — psychofemale

Great message. Well delivered. Really dug the ending. Here are some suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since it works as is :)

line 4: "neither angel nor saint"
line 5: break up the two clauses into two lines (since there's no punctuation, you have to use line breaks to control how the reader reads this, and i think there should be a pause between these two statements)
line 11: maybe change the word "lovers" to "actors"?
lines 17-20: probably should rework the line breaks since your phrasing gets kinda jumbled here. how about "in the stone / forgotten hopes / we had denied / for we had grown"
lines 26-27: maybe break those long lines up for more emphasis on each item in the list?
line 29: is there a less wordy way to say this?
lines 30-32: again, i think your shorter lines worked better. how about this: "it does not make me happy / just makes me like them / trying to escape the scent / of a giant rotting oyster / i'd rather stop and smell / roses or even lilies"

general suggestion: try to be more economic with your words
 — c_holden

thanks for the suggestions c_holden. to be honest, originally the poem had a lot more breaks in it. but since i made it into a song i pulled it all together.
http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=HdLl3j9lh1k
but i think i'll try and restore the original "image" i had. because true, that as i don't use any punctuation here, it can be bit difficult to read.

however a question as well. is it ok to change the line 4: not as an angel nor a saint. i think it might be grammatically more correct than my current line. even though i think i'll continue singing it as it is.
 — mouthblock