Great message. Well delivered. Really dug the ending. Here are some suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since it works as is :)
line 4: "neither angel nor saint"
line 5: break up the two clauses into two lines (since there's no punctuation, you have to use line breaks to control how the reader reads this, and i think there should be a pause between these two statements)
line 11: maybe change the word "lovers" to "actors"?
lines 17-20: probably should rework the line breaks since your phrasing gets kinda jumbled here. how about "in the stone / forgotten hopes / we had denied / for we had grown"
lines 26-27: maybe break those long lines up for more emphasis on each item in the list?
line 29: is there a less wordy way to say this?
lines 30-32: again, i think your shorter lines worked better. how about this: "it does not make me happy / just makes me like them / trying to escape the scent / of a giant rotting oyster / i'd rather stop and smell / roses or even lilies"
general suggestion: try to be more economic with your words — c_holden
thanks for the suggestions c_holden. to be honest, originally the poem had a lot more breaks in it. but since i made it into a song i pulled it all together. http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=HdLl3j9lh1k
but i think i'll try and restore the original "image" i had. because true, that as i don't use any punctuation here, it can be bit difficult to read.
however a question as well. is it ok to change the line 4: not as an angel nor a saint. i think it might be grammatically more correct than my current line. even though i think i'll continue singing it as it is. — mouthblock