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fuck your oysters
mouthblock

you came for me
 1
when the sky was too dark to see the way
 2
you came for me
 3
 
 
not an angel nor a saint
 4
we both had sinned, the chance was slim
 5
for us to ever escape
 6
 
 
these crooked worlds
 7
that we had built around us with guilt
 8
regret and bitter words
 9
 
 
we were nothing anymore
 10
not even lovers
 11
playing love under covers
 12
 
 
our soul was sore
 13
our hearts were
 14
breaking
 15
we waited for eternity
 16
 
 
we got lost
 17
inside ourselves
 18
and then we went
 19
and then we searched
 20
and what we found
 21
deep underground
 22
in the stone
 23
forgotten hopes
 24
we had denied
 25
for we had grown
 26
 
 
into sensible adults
 27
with only mission
 28
to succeed
 29
no matter who
 30
the fuck we eat
 31
on the way
 32
to the throne
 33
promised by the ads and fads
 34
pollution
 35
and all the noise
 36
 
 
i don't want to be a slave
 37
to the wage
 38
to a country
 39
or to a man
 40
or a bank
 41
or to a poultry
 42
 
 
i don't want to
 43
keep laying eggs
 44
just because
 45
they want me to
 46
live my life like
 47
they live theirs
 48
 
 
it does not make me happy
 49
it just makes me like them
 50
trying to escape the scent
 51
of a giant rotting oyster
 52
i'd rather stop and smell the roses
 53
or even the lilys
 54
 
 
dead wise men
 55
have already made
 56
a notion
 57
a cliché
 58
worn to the bone ad nauseam
 59
but rarely executed
 60
carpe diem
 61
but a day is too fucking long
 62
all i need
 63
is a moment
 64

27 Apr 10

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Comments:

Is it wrong to say Amen to that? :8/
 — psychofemale

Great message. Well delivered. Really dug the ending. Here are some suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since it works as is :)

line 4: "neither angel nor saint"
line 5: break up the two clauses into two lines (since there's no punctuation, you have to use line breaks to control how the reader reads this, and i think there should be a pause between these two statements)
line 11: maybe change the word "lovers" to "actors"?
lines 17-20: probably should rework the line breaks since your phrasing gets kinda jumbled here. how about "in the stone / forgotten hopes / we had denied / for we had grown"
lines 26-27: maybe break those long lines up for more emphasis on each item in the list?
line 29: is there a less wordy way to say this?
lines 30-32: again, i think your shorter lines worked better. how about this: "it does not make me happy / just makes me like them / trying to escape the scent / of a giant rotting oyster / i'd rather stop and smell / roses or even lilies"

general suggestion: try to be more economic with your words
 — c_holden

thanks for the suggestions c_holden. to be honest, originally the poem had a lot more breaks in it. but since i made it into a song i pulled it all together.
http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=HdLl3j9lh1k
but i think i'll try and restore the original "image" i had. because true, that as i don't use any punctuation here, it can be bit difficult to read.

however a question as well. is it ok to change the line 4: not as an angel nor a saint. i think it might be grammatically more correct than my current line. even though i think i'll continue singing it as it is.
 — mouthblock

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