poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Help me with this poem?
denoyo

You set my butterflies free,
 1
it was you who taught me,
 2
utter no lies,
 3
and be who you want to be.
 4
 
 
You were my only reason,
 5
and now i'm left with none,
 6
this season is opaque and cold,
 7
and it has only barely begun.
 8
 
 
Each second without you,
 9
is a day without living,
 10
I'm battling this all alone,
 11
forever never forgiving.
 12
 
 
I can no longer exist when you are not near,
 13
sleepless nights with no dreams that come,
 14
wishing that yo ucould hear me,
 15
but you can't even hear my soft hum,
 16
you can't even hear me,
 17
like my voice is numb.
 18
 
 
Though by nine o' clock,
 19
my eye lids are heavy,
 20
and without a light i'm rested and ready.
 21

27 Apr 10


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Comments:

well, i do sort of like the first line and i thought you were going to come back to it, to end with a return the butterfly motif...otherwise, why even set them free in the first place? makes it an abstraction which is a distraction. which is distracting. which is detrimental to the whole point thing.
 — DeformedLion

You caught my exact mood with this...perfectly.
 — psychofemale

be free butterflies, be free!
 — unknown

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