poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Hell on Wheels
psychofemale

Hell on wheels
 1
No safety belt on
 2
70 miles per hour
 3
In a danger zone
 4
 
 
Hazardous and risky
 5
Without any concern
 6
Living like you're dying
 7
Bungee jumping fun
 8
 
 
Diving with the sharks
 9
Swimming with the snakes
 10
Thinking that you're brave
 11
Jumping out of planes
 12
 
 
Lay it on the line
 13
Gamble, roll the dice
 14
Play a game of jeopardy
 15
If you're willing to pay the price
 16
 
 
Bell the cat
 17
Pray for luck
 18
Hell on wheels
 19
Just wrecked the truck
 20

28 Apr 10

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 4, 10

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Comments:

Any takers? I am using this for a song we are writing.
 — psychofemale

why do you always rhyme?
 — unknown

this does have gamble
 — infinity

i understand your need to rhyme, if this is going to be used as lyrics.... hope you finish that song.
 — majan

Thanks guys, just seeing if it was song worthy. :D
 — psychofemale

you are heading for infinity man, where the grass don't grow and the moon don't shine
 — larrylark

Images need to be presented in a sharper way. In places it read like a travelogue
 — larrylark

i could hear this as a song, yes.......smart musicality would make it play well, in spite of some of the concerns expressed regarding it's pure poetic value.  the rhyming makes it more lyrical.
 — Tandisol

Lol, I get carried away with the sayings sometimes. I see what you mean. It sounds cool with the song right now, but knowing me I will always change something. thanks for the input guys.
 — psychofemale

i don't know what to assume with this...
 — unknown

um..
 — psychofemale

Would love to hear, I think it would work with a cool voice and some sweet guitar work.
 — UHamilton

thank you :D
 — psychofemale

i think the last stanza is strong enough that it only needs the title and these four lines. and, maybe 'just fucked the truck' would fit nicer, since you wouldn't have to fat-up a last-stanza to sound like the rest of the poem...
 — bmikebauer

I gotcha, the rest is just saying to much that the last stanza already tells?
 — psychofemale

well, the last stanza has all the energy, that's the thing. it's neat and right inside the head.

but, it's more about how you use 'poetry' to mean lyric writing for a band. my point is always that the lyric works in a band-song because the music TELLS the listener how to hear the lyrics: how to hear them as ironic -- punk-agitated -- or insinuating, over a slow lounge-music cadence. the poem itself, as a real thing, makes its own music in the head, even if you can't hear it. like, a musical person, like you, is going to be able to hear way more than the average pop or indy-music junky, and writing for them, writing down to them, means making very simple images, when you're not a simple person at all. the space and void between what we hear in our head as the audience and what we actually know and feel is like a fusion chamber, where it can either merge feelings into cliches or blow up feelings into a thousand words. the poet part is to come back down from the explosion and see -- in your vision -- what fits inside the mind-room you find yourself that day... the textures and decor of your holiday mood in hell.
 — bmikebauer

I gotcha ;)
smart words ...
 — psychofemale

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