poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Together Again
psychofemale

These roads that bring us together
 1
will separate us soon
 2
 
 
like night is to day
 3
as the sun sees the moon
 4
 
 
We're drifting apart
 5
as the wheels move faster
 6
 
 
mile after mile
 7
further towards disaster
 8
 
 
Sign after sign
 9
they begin to look the same
 10
 
 
your face in the distance
 11
fades like your name
 12
 
 
The picture I hold of you
 13
close to my heart
 14
 
 
holds greater worth
 15
than the seconds we're apart
 16
 
 
I try imagine
 17
being "together"
 18
 
 
when you're so out of reach
 19
it's like cloudy weather
 20
 
 
The forecast shows
 21
a future so bright
 22
 
 
but it's hard to be serious
 23
when the sun's out of sight
 24
 
 
I just need a shortcut
 25
a way back to you
 26
 
 
I just need a sign
 27
that says something new
 28
 
 
Don't be a dead end
 29
let the road touch horizon
 30
 
 
like our love never ending
 31
the sun is now rising
 32

12 May 10

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 8, 10

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Comments:

Those who enjoy rhyming poetry will love this.  Those that don't will probably shred it:)

I personally liked it.  
 — Tandisol

crude rhyming. it's naive to see only the clothing a person's wearing, and not judge by the naked face.
 — bmikebauer

Thanks guys. That's the great thing about poetry. You can rhyme sometimes and not....that is what I like to do...what I like to call "variety".

I also think its good to change things up a bit...keep things simple and then at other times hide what's obvious.

variety...variety...variety.
I would get bored if I stuck to the same old thing all of the time.
 — psychofemale

but, when the rhyming is so crudely obvious it reflects on the intellect of the author -- and, really, all we're reading in the poem is a description of the author's consciousness.

a throw-away song for CD's can say anything at all or nothing. it's all in the music, how the music moods up the lyric -- or, in the singer... a certain sexy or maybe vulnerable look, like we want to encourage her and protect her, for the waif, or get it on with him, for the dangerous dude.

it's not the smartness behind your work, not the idea you had, but how the work falls on the page. you need to read these outloud to yourself to actually hear how they're going to sound to an audience.

are you writing with music in the background or in your ear-phones? that's bad for poetry, because it forces artificial melodies on your own internal lyric. i can't think of why else you, with your sense of style, would think this dog-bark was articulate.
 — bmikebauer

Actually my poems turn to songs. I write and read my poems first before I put them to music. *cough*
 — psychofemale

that's probably why they don't work as poetry -- nothing personal, but when you're writing for a melody world the lyric's written haphazardly. you can set the phone book to music and have it be a hit, if you've got the right voice. get real.
 — bmikebauer

there's no way you could have spoken this out to yourself and kept it like this. the 'as' in line six could only work in a pop-song, where you blurred it into the next word and it lost its beat. otherwise, adding a 'now', after 'apart', in line 5 would cover it as poetry. you've once again mixed your rhythms accidentally.
 — bmikebauer

That's an interesting idea Mike, I will give that some thought.
 — psychofemale

First off, I haven't even used this as a song yet. As I have told you all before I usually change things when I put them to music anyways. So you think its dog shit, that's your opinion but I have no doubt in my mind that I can turn this into a song people will like..the exception of you I suppose. You cant please everyone right????
 — psychofemale

who is your poetry reader and audience? who do you want to read your work? no-one? and, putting it to music makes me think that you're looking at that operation while you write -- the way we do -- making things 'interesting' for that purpose, and knocking down the wordy parts.

you're in a poetry workshop here. you have to please us with your poetry consciousness, not your work. the work will work itself out, but how conscious you are of actually crafting the poem is what you're sharing with us. this isn't poetry-idol.
 — bmikebauer

read my 'lyric' -- it was originally called 'lyric for an unwritten opera', but 'opera' scares this crowd -- and, you can crit me back on the song part. but, this one was written as a pseudo-lyric, never intended to be set to music, but borrowing that moment in song performance when the spotlight means 'listen'.
 — bmikebauer

http://www.poet rycritical.net/read/58023/
 — bmikebauer

I mean I'm not even sure this will be a song....but when I hear the music I will know if its worthy of being put to it..im picky with my music...and when i hear the melody i will know, i may never use this piece...but who knows....a melody might pick it.

i never said this was poetry-idol, just wanted to know if my writings were song material.....wanted some second opinions ...wanted to know if i changed some words around would it work...

im not offended...by any means...just want to know if my writing is song material...

apparently you dont think so.....thats what i needed to know.
 — psychofemale

Who ever said there was only one way to write....you cant be like way with music. People always tell me they like our music because its different and doesnt sound like anything else....i want to keep it that way, and by that i hope i never find how music is supposed to sound.
 — psychofemale

btw...tried to read your piece...wouldnt let me.
 — psychofemale

[you've got to copy and paste the links in p.c. -- it won't let you click.]

what's the difference between a 'poem' and a 'post-it memo'?
 — bmikebauer

You tell me, I am sure I'll get the answer wrong...
 — psychofemale

Any one else's opinion on this, I would just love to hear it ...thanks :)
 — psychofemale

give it up psyhdudeo
 — unknown

oh man...
 — psychofemale

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