it was said gingerly that she
could bear not cut out organs
her pipes sung loudest, saving lives
she's still smoking, too
her swollen throat needs cutting loose
while either way great voices die
18 May 10
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there's this interesting ground-swell movement towards writing 'one-word' poetry. it's a good move, because it helps show the author what actually doesn't need to be in a poem for it to be a poem.
One-word poetry is mostly bollocks. >.>
i'd like to see the anthology of all these poems comprised of that one word 'bollocks'. what would the title of the anthology be?
I think, "Bloodi'ell," would be a nice title, or, "Criminy jickets." You know, something that really describes the pace-falm gauchery that is one-word poetry.
This can't be reduced to one-word poetry effectively. What, would it be titled, "Singing," and the single word be, "Tumors?"
probably, 'bollocks' is what the publisher would force.
she couldn't bear cutting,
her home had no 'rooms',
and when she'd slice cake,
she'd use a large broom.
so, when they de-ducted,
her throat was decayed,
she lit up a marlboro,
said, "no, it's depraved."
implies testicle cancer. Well, I wouldn't do one-word, but I can still cut out all the article adjectives.
Anyway, I think that your nursery rhyme flips the coin on the storyline. Whereas the original is before the event horizon, you're kind of going to the after.
it wasn't brilliant, because it was only descriptive of a concept -- a political device, don't you know. the one-word poem comprised of 'bollocks' is possible, and it's true that 'bollocks' could be the name of the incarnation of some messiah in queens... or, either, the name of a football club in kansas city... 'home of the happy ox'.
there's too much info in your poem, and the focus falls to how you're wording it. there's a favorite book i read called 'woman about town', by laura jacobs. it's very slight, very much only talking about life-concerns, but it's written with such style. i think this poem of yours potentially has that classic sense of style as a possibility, but i think you're not sure what to say to us yet.
what is 'gingerly' if there's no spice in 'cut out the organ' -- unless, ginger means 'slicing into the tongue, which it doesn't.
'she could bear not' but,
it was said she could bear not
cut out organs -- her pipe sang
loudest, longest, saving lives --
hers and the lonely others.
she's still a smoker, and what can
that mean, since it's taking her voice;
her swollen throat? either way,
her voice dies or her throat changes...
what will she sing,
when the songs want music.
Gingerly's unimportant, I guess; just hinting that it's a delicate situation. Regardless, it's fairly obvious that the subject's faced with the choice of losing her reason to live or dying of throat cancer.
...How can you say too much in 6 lines? It's as concise as I can think to make it.
I agree, I don't think you can pare this down.
It is succinct and impacting.
The title is perfection.
I really like L5 and L6 but I feel the rest is unessecary and quite frankly terrible.
One word poetry could be an exercise for writers but never actual poetry. poetry is the sweet or harsh manipulation of words to displays ideas images and emotions. One word left alone is not manipulated. if a word could be poetry then webster is the greatest poet of all time, which of course shows how ridiculous the idea is.
in six lines you're saying 15 different things:
'i am watching this'
'i am writing a poem about this'
'this is about a woman'
'this is about cancer'
'this is about a woman who uses her voice, and will lose that voice'
'this is not about self-deception, it is about life. but, the life chosen isn't a viable life'
'this is about the reality of living around death and dying, and how we respond'
'this is about death itself, and the possibility that i will die too'
'this is about showing someone else, with a poem, that i care'
'this is about working out what exactly i feel about this by sketching the reality in words'
'this is the problem of wording a poem concisely so that only the actual and most significant truth can be shown'
'what is the truth of this?'
'why am i involved in this?'
'how can i sound sensitive and yet smart enough in the writing to convince the reader that this is sincere?'
etc. all of those things go through my head as i read this poem -- i can't help it. there's a cloud-scape of impressions in this one, but it's muddied up with too much rationality -- you're trying to make everything fit logically by using the words that work logically in everyday language. that's not how a poem develops into a poem.
my first comment was to the point: which words in this are butting in?
love it love it
Excellent. Love it. Reads smoothe and strong.