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Needle in a Haystack
psychofemale

Finding you,
 1
was like finding a needle in a haystack.
 2
How lucky we were to acquaint.
 3
Some people search forever,
 4
to find their one true love,
 5
but I found a winner,
 6
a saint.
 7
 
 
You don't compare to anyone.
 8
You are no synonym.
 9
You are your own true being.
 10
You sparkle like a gem.
 11
 
 
Reflecting off the sun,
 12
your brightness warms my face.
 13
My cheeks turn ruby red,
 14
when I'm in your embrace.
 15
 
 
I glisten when you hold me,
 16
like a diamond in the rough,
 17
and when you're next to me,
 18
I know why people fall in love.
 19

23 May 10

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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Comments:

bootiful. i'd like to read this at my next wedding.
 — unknown

hehe thanks :)
 — psychofemale

anyone else?
 — psychofemale

love love love


i want your


love
 — unknown

um...?
 — psychofemale

any other opinions please??
 — psychofemale

no original thought or image


dont let the hallmark crowd inflate you
or you will

burst
 — unknown

was just writing what i felt in my wee little heart..couldnt help it
 — psychofemale

how is there no image ...lol just curious?
 — psychofemale

Get rid of the comma end of line 1, not needed.
Lucky to acquaint?  You don't acquaint, you do it with something, you don't acquaint each other.  

No comma needed line 5, you already have the connector word 'but.'

You might want to use other words than winner or saint, they are hard to prove and border on the cliche/trite.  Not that I'm against cliche or trite, just to call someone a winner and a saint in the same breath is pointless, not all saints were winners and many winners are not saints, so clarify the traits that define winner and saint.

Lines 8-11 are just too much, too personal.  

I can't get into the rest.  I understand the sentiment but as a poem, you must do better, especially a love poem.  

ps - I am not a believer that we each have only one 'true' love and the longer I live, I am believing less and less in the 'true' part of anyone.

Good luck.
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the feedback, i try to fix some stuff
 — psychofemale

i'll*
 — psychofemale

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