poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Life Interrupted
Isabelle5

A daughter calls to say her skin
 1
is getting lines and I find myself
 2
laughing at her pain – at 31,
 3
she thinks her glow is gone.
 4
 
 
Shhh, my love, you are sleepwalking,
 5
you will awaken years from today
 6
more beautiful, a handful of moments
 7
precious in your life where even now,
 8
 
 
the proof is being etched.
 9

27 May 10

Rated 9.5 (8.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (25): 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

this is wonderful
 — psychofemale

Where did all the years go, huh? Your tender lines capture the feeling of we never feel any different on the inside in a beautiful way.
 — unknown

Ha!  As soon as I read the first stanza I knew it was you!

This fleshes out our very brief discussion in the forum, wonderfully rendered.
Perfectly captures this oddly unformatted "middle-aged" period.
 — sybarite

OK listen: Remove everything until line 16 and start again with 16-20. Do you trust me? DO IT! I promise. And I hope this is you, I haven't logged out to check, but it has to be. THIS IS a 9 but that's only because I'm ignoring lines 1-15. It will be a 10 when you make a poem out of the rest :)
 — Ananke

Anake, how about you just don't see the first part?  I NEED it!  Call me when you're 58, we'll talk!  haha
 — Isabelle5

I see the first part. And I'm not telling you not to write it. DO write it. Just write it again. Please?
 — Ananke

I trust you but I also trust myself.  I have no idea if you're asking me to delete the first 15 lines and put 16-20 in front or re-writing the first 15.  

I like the first 15 because they are my story, completely.  Removing them disappears me even more.  
 — Isabelle5

What I mean is, regardless of the story, the way it is now, there are two different poems here. Don't disappear yourself. But you're writing to yourself. Look at all the I's in 1-15. That's a sign that you are trying to tell rather than show. Show us what you mean, but tell the same story. Don't remove it just rewrite it and USE your tone of voice from 16-20 as a guide.

I trust you too, but sometimes you can't read your own poetry objectively. That's where I come in :) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I know I'm not "that" smart in poetry that you should listen to every word I say. If you must, keep this one and write another one too :)
 — Ananke

I see your point but you must know by now that the I in poetry isn't always the personal I of the person.  In this case, you and Syb knew that but overall, when I write personal, it's also fiction.

I'll work the other pieces into something sometime, not today!  Thanks for the gentle nudge.  
 — Isabelle5

beautiful. beautiful. I think here, we still know what the beginning was subconsciously. It's unsaid, but not unsaid. OK I'll shut up. Sometimes I get too excited about you Ma Belle.
 — Ananke

*.*
 — Isabelle5

love it.......last line seals the deal!
 — Tandisol

I love this - beautiful work Isabelle.
 — smugzy

Love the changes, this has gone from excellent to exemplary.  Kudos.
 — sybarite

This is beautiful and ellegant in the raw truth of life.  Very well written.
 — PaulS

Paul!  Nice to see that you still visit!  
 — Isabelle5

The beauty of of lights shadow sculpted in time, simply sublime... Nice work which is well ended... A little gem
 — AlchemiA

The proof is being etched...
Lovely.
 — unknown

Fantactically knowing poem
 — larrylark

A handful of moments. Damn :)
 — Callisto

a tad banal
 — unknown

Banal?  Perhaps, if I had many daughters and they told me the same things.  Otherwise, this is my first journey through the maze of life so not banal to me.
 — Isabelle5

Brilliant.
 — mandolyn

I like this. It is unassuming, understated (but intelligent) and easy to relate to.

Nice work,
Mic
 — Mic2

Love it. Last line is beautiful. Pah to glow, and lets enjoy the party!
 — crimsonkiss

I didnt see this prior to the changes, but what you've got left is gorgeous!
 — unknown

i just read this four times, and every time i got goosebumps. this is amazing. it really made me think and relate, because believe it or not, at 23 i think what your daughter thinks all too often. i also did not see the changes you made, but this here is perfect.
 — shimmy1x

     Wonderful...j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

i  would leave out age, it hinders the mother child sleepwalking  almost to me like she should be talking to a child not a woman in the age of 31.. the beauty of life being etched and becoming more beautiful with time is such a wonderful description of what life holds and how beautiful all those marks and memories of life have given
 — unknown

I believe I need to leave her age as it shows how society makes even the young and beautiful begin to doubt their worth as they pass the 'magic' age of 30.  
 — Isabelle5

Semicolon after L5. Period after L8.
 — unknown

Oops - I misread it. Remove the comma after L8. Still need the semicolon after L5, though. It's an independent clause followed by another independent clause without a conjoining conjunction. And what does one use in that scenario? Why, a semicolon, of course.
 — unknown

That shhh, my love, you are sleep walking is a transcendental moment. O beautiful; a little regret for the lost you, a lot of love for the daughter, and a lot of affection and knowing offered to her, which makes everyone who values a mum curl up a little inside, and I guess I'm 31 and although I havn't got wrinkles I'm finding grey hairs! HELP ME!! I'm dying!!! Sorry I'm being silly, but I'm still intoxicated from your poem. Lovely stuff.
 — asphara

As a parent whose son is emerging into his own, I love how this poem makes me feel.

You've certainly shown us...(as opposed to telling) what 'wisdom' really is.
 — PaleHorse

I don't know about wisdom but I do know that all my children still consider me a best friend and trust me to keep their real secrets.  Finding a silver hair or a new imagined line on a cheek is not a deep secret!  

Thank you for the good thoughts.
 — Isabelle5

This is quite knowing and lovely Isabelle. They are still years from realizing that in our eyes, their glow is never gone, but they're getting there.
 — zylan

This reads like the comforting caress of a mother lulling her child to sleep.  Thank for this Isa, it goes straight to my heart.
 — sherains

So true. And so beautifully put. Thank you for sharing this poem.
 — Tinkers

    love stinks
 — Jonnyboy

nicely done.
inside and out.
 — unknown

Did you read this on A&E lifetime, or Martha Stewart's favorite poem as quoted on Oprah?
 — unknown

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mowang06-10
 — unknown

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cai123 06.13
 — unknown

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