| daddy was a boar
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unknown
| when i was a girl | 1 |
a wild pig lived under my bed | 2 |
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and when the dark began | 3 |
to grunt | 4 |
i spied through the slits | 5 |
in my fingers, | 6 |
counting tusks in the silver | 7 |
moonlit cracks | 8 |
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how it was quiet | 9 |
as he crushed my bones | 10 |
and pressed his kiss | 11 |
into the tiny mouth of night-- | 12 |
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how it was black | 13 |
as i tore the sweaty wires | 14 |
from his back | 15 |
while his tongue lashed a lamb | 16 |
basting on the spit | 17 |
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when i was a girl | 18 |
i liked stickers and gum | 19 |
and when he worked | 20 |
night-shift | 21 |
i would sometimes squeal. | 22 |
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2 Jun 10 |
Rated 9.8 (9.7) by 26 users.
Active (26): 4, 5, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(13 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
WOW, this made me cringe. Good writing, but now I have nausea.
Did this really happen? I am so sorry if it did...
You did a great job at expressing it.
— mandolyn
JEN!!!
I had no idea it was you...
— mandolyn
Maybe this one is too close to you? Too personal? At least that is what I take out of it. Some might say, go deeper in that direction. Some may say the opposite. I can only speak from my personal experience in that being to close sometimes makes the writing difficult cause there is that place from which it comes for which you are writing a re-representation of, and although that representation may assuredly be right inside the mind, once the words are let loose out of the 'pig pen' (f I might steal a thought or two of your own) then it can get a bit messy.
Things that I feel are working. "pressed his kiss / into the tiny mouth of night" and the idea of [how quiet it was] "while he crushed my bones".
I think that drives this farm truck home really.
Maybe "basting a lamb / in [a slow] cooker"???
Different place then some of your other writes I'd say.
Worth the wrenching if you really want to work it.
— OldShoe
and did he have a nose ring?
— unknown
Shocking, horrible but thoroughly effective write. Made me feel the horror you wanted me to.
— crimsonkiss
thanks mandee :) sorry about the nausea,
and thank you too Crimson.
— jenakajoffer
Hello, and thank you for digging your toenails through my old...sock? :)
I actually lost this poem, had no trace of it anywhere. Two years went by and just last week I remembered where I could find it -- this other poetry site where Mor had sent me a long time ago (said I had so many top rated here and thought I should test out some unbiased waters-- I agreed). Funny thing, I abandoned the site after this poem won one of their contests.
It was a blessing to have lost this poem for so long. It's exactly how you said about something being too personal-- this was a terrible thorn for me as a poem, and I rewrote several times and never felt I had it right.
I was hindered by how close it was, and I was not able to look outside itself.
However! the feelings are no longer nestled in like little...pigs in a blanket--? In fact it is the distance I've found that allows me to return to it.
It's been quite an overhaul but I'm still pretty cranky with the way 13-17 rolls. I will be focusing on this area for awhile.
I like the slow cooker idea, but it sounds too long in my ear. 'a lamb in the cooker' sounds a more clean and swift expression to me. I can be a sloth when it comes to editing my poems. sometimes it really does take years to make a change.
I'm glad you found 9-12 working, this is where it's at for me too. The ending is a brand spanking new addition as well. I found a voice whereas I hadn't before.
— jenakajoffer
very powerful writing Jen.
— Tandisol
I am glad you found some distance. I'd say work while you have that going for you. I was thinking about my comments this morning and was going to post a bit more on what I was getting at. Not that I want to sound all psychoanalytical or anything to that degree, but I just happen to feel that there can be this paradox at play around us, within us, that sorta controls the tempo of how things will unfold. Not always the case, but sometimes, with such a matter as the personal, distance is the key. Naturally many might think otherwise, but that is not always the case, though may be the case for some. By distancing oneself, one can come closer... just as oddly as one who tries to get too close, finds oneself far to far away.
It's almost like trying to juggle crystal balls containing past selves while crossing a tightrope hung between two skyscrapers, not realizing the entire time that you were carrying far too much, and forgetting still that you were diagnosed with vertigo, just hours before the event.
[Apparently you find that you have a little unset dementia and amnesia as well.]
In another sense still, I found that when working with a memori-archtype self, that making the voice right can be difficult, because knowing that self then, the now self is wants to tell the story, but also somehow reconcile with the once self that is wanting to speak also. So it gets a little battle going where two selves are thrown into a joust with one another. Really their just on horses rounding a track in opposite directions, but still, it makes for some foolish near misses and an odd spectacle at that.
So with something of this nature, at times, (not always) I've found that it was best to exit the scene altogether, with the conscious side anyway. Well, be present enough tune the strings, but then let the guitar play its own song. Finding that the poem wants to do something else entirely of its own accord can be one of the most enriching experiences of writing.
With the "slow cooker" idea, I suppose I wasn't necessary asking for it to be perceived in a literal sense, as what can be so very 'literal' regarding a moment that leave scars that do not fade with time? So the slow cooker might in a sense represent that trapped in time feeling. What may very well be a moment, stretching for eons.
A snakeskin hanging from a bough branch of a low maple.
I am of the kin that feel there is often no reconciliation of a moment, that it will exist there, in the past, still running the course it had, like water from an old rusty spigot out back of the house.
History is merely the hand that pumps the water.
And everyone needs a drink now and again.
— OldShoe
Excuse the typos, trying to juggle a few calls between thoughts.
— OldShoe
Did you say vertigo? are you kidding me? I was suffering from it just yesterday. Bizarre.
Yes, it's true, the voice of selves definitely came to battle and that is what I struggled with. I don't feel that now. maybe it's just taken that leap out of my shoes for a few years to enable it to come back as something that didn't want to fight anymore. Besides, there is something about time that usually makes one a better writer when they are passionate about it ;)
History is a good well, and I've been known to a drink when the water's tainted. It doesn't always make a good poem, but it's a start. This poem proves that, three years of contamination ought to teach you something. Your thoughts run along mine in this case and I appreciate your sharing them.
— jenakajoffer
l/18 'the vertical tusk(s?)' as opposed to 'checking for tusks'...
l/13 and FF.
and how black it was (for narrative sake)
when i tugged the sweaty wires
rooting on his back-- (for comparison to the wild boar that roots and burrow)
his snout slashing open
this sacrificial lamb
(you'll know better, but the 'tongue-basting-lamb/cooker' bit is awkward for this reader, it seems to be too many metaphors in one line)
Beyond that, you hit the audience with the first word in the title, and never let them go. How much different the effect would be if 'daddy' were changed to 'johnny'.
Not that I'm making that recommendation. But to do so, would be to separate the taboo from the work, to make the work stronger. Then to revert the title back.
a 10 from me.
— PaleHorse
Very effective poem at triggering emotional response. Very scary!
— JohnW
Ohh I love this!!! damn good
— psychofemale
way to show some balls jen! Love it! gritty, squirmy, and beautiful... Like the juxtaposition between "quiet" and "crushing of bones in lines 9 & 10... would like to see the same sort of play between "black" and "wires" in 13&14... The word "charged" come to mind working the wires...
tongue basting lamb in cooker... maybe even go more sticky and primal, like:
his tongue slathering
a lamb on the spit
or something like that... either way I dig it
Good job with the last stanza bringing it home... another thought:
not sure if you really did squeal, or not, but the last line could be powerful as:
i even tried to squeal
showing the bloodline little piglet in you sort of thing...
enough rambling from me, but I really liked it... I gave you another poem idea in my comment on my basement stinks poem...
— jpmhawk
Oh, very well presented with all the write conceits to make it visceral and a guilty-pleasure, and a feeling of shame for good-measure... The conceit here is the boar and you push it more with the sqeal, which makes it so real that I feel... A bold and true write ...
— AlchemiA
you guys totally rock my world! you've given me so much to consider, i'm so grateful for all your thoughts. i will be toying with a few areas so please, boar with me. ;)
thanks a mil, all of you. :)
— jenakajoffer
Vertigo........Having a little trouble up there, Tiny feet.
Shockingly good poem.
I hope this gives you some closure.
— unknown
I'm a prick when it comes to never leaving things alone. But that's just the way I was made. So, I'll drive some nails into the board to see if they're good for hanging anything.
I've an affinity for use of the word "as" over "while" or "when" and the reason behind that is that these transitional words can weigh in on the directive and force behind writing at times. While -- "while" is by no means unsound, "as" you may find pushes the cars closer together, or bends rails tighter so you feel more of the turn. At least in most instances I found it used.
So essentially, I would suggest that you play with some arrangements you have here, to see where you can start to wind things as tightly as possible, without derailing the reader.
Consider re-arrangements such as: "oh how quiet it was / as he crushed my bones / and pressed his kiss / into the tiny mouth of night" into "how black it was / as i tugged the sweaty wires / jutting from his back--". Play with dropping 'oh', play with the 'quiet', play with whatever you fancy, or forget this altogether, but do consider "as" for the instance of L10 & L14 at the very least. Perhaps personal preference, and only slight variation, but these sorta of things can cause a surprising effect.
Part of me wanted to reject the "wires" bit and suggest "hairs" and then part of me wanted to kick myself in the head for wanting anything but wires in that position. When I thought about wires, and this is a stretch maybe, I thought about a marionette. I thought about the desperation of pulling at wires to try to gain control over a situation that one might have no control over. If there was any intention to have such a reference there, I'd love to see it worked it a bit more, but do not rack over it or force anything that isn't readily accessible to this as it could very well ruin it.
Maybe some work on L5-L8 as it hangs from the tongue a little oddly. "i spied silver tusks through the cracks of my clasped fingers" not saying use that, but think about other arrangement. "silver moonlit cracks" seemed to sweet.
Don't make any changes to "and when the dark / began to grunt" .
I like the current edit/change change to 'spit'.
There is a re-turn in 18 "when i was a girl" and then it runs the course into the squeal, but I can feel the tone change again, and maybe you want to ask whether you should do so in the way you did? Maybe consider the option of L9 - L15 getting pulled into a single stanza, and running a new course off of the tongue basted spit lamb of L16-17 for the last stanza.
Hopefully I'm not too covered in mud by now.
— OldShoe
L9 / L13 may very well be better with quiet/black ending the lines, so take all for a grain, to be tossed around to see if it has potential to become glass.
— OldShoe
Powerful and disturbing. "10" for the metaphor alone. :-)
— starr
No SAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OMG!!! Jen! This is fuckin' AWESOME! xoxo
— starr
And Jen: I've now scrolled down and read the crits before mine. Now that I've done this, I can see how/why L's 16 & 17 would create confusion. I think (for ME) that you want that to be your BIG power line, but that it's trying too hard to envelope too much and in doing so, takes away the actual OOMPH that you want it to have. In L19, I think gum could be improved with a modifying adjective such as "chewing" or "bubble (what kind of gum?)" Y'feel me? Gum isn't always the "candy" as most people know it. L20, "the pig" seems awkward for me only because pigs don't really work. But then again, "night shift" seems awkward because of "the pig." I can fully understand exactly what you mean when you say that some poems take "years." I've got a few that have taken ME years too. This is still great and it's an (awesome and dark) work in progress. Hope it sees the light very soon (by YOUR standards of excellence.) Love you! xo
— starr
Powerful, powerful writing--this grabbed me by the throat and would'nt let go. I would not change a thing.
— PaulS
Obscene.
Great.
— unknown
Too good
— larrylark
Hi Jen,
Such tight, impeccable writing.
The last stanza is great - because it goes from being an adult writing a poem, to an almost emotionally removed fact. And that removal of emotion, from the childs point of view really drives home the honesty of this poem.
The tiny mouth of night is one of the best and most frightening metaphors I have ever read...
I was reading someone elses comment about line 20 saying "when the pig"...Dunno why, but I am just not liking the reference to pig there in the last stanza...maybe something like a name; "When 'Colin' or 'Bill' worked night-shift....
I don't know, I am not great at critique -
but I do know this is a 10.
Thankyou for having the courage to post such a brutally honest poem.
— PollyReg
Or, you could change the title to just "Boar" or something without Daddy in it - and then line 20 could be "when Daddy worked"
Just suggestions - this is the best poem I have read in a long time.
— PollyReg
one of those rare rare poems that only come along now and then.
what a fantastic ending. great imagery, possibly my first and last 10.
superb.
— billy423uk
Jen-What an amazingly powerful and well-crafted poem. Lines 1-19 are perfect, in my opinion.
Love the way the first line comes back with the very specific innocence of childhood--the stickers and gum. Puts the experience of the speaker in an even more chilling perspective. Perhaps the poem would end even more powerfully with another one of those types of very specific images, rather than using the current lines 20-22. To me, your current ending is trying a little too hard. The play on words is a tiny bit of a tone buster.
Respectfully,
Til
— unknown
With current edits, L17 seems it might need a word to play into the image of the spit.
A lot of options, from 'spinning' - 'turning' - though I would personally suggest moving away from the 'ing' words into something a bit stronger, like 'bound' - 'tied' though that would require a slight modification to that line. 'bound to the spit' - 'tied to a spit'.
Or... possibly work 'basting' back in there, which could work to make these words sing together a bit through enjambment to echo some other thoughts.
lambaste : [to beat, whip, assail] -- [lamb-basting] or [lamb-basted]
So you could come off L16 with " lamb- / basting on the spit " .
Spit itself is a hell of a good word to use here, so I would suggest that remains as it carries more than just the cooking aspect, but can echo the aspect of the saliva from the tongue, and you might find 'basting' sorta pulls that along a little further.
I was thinking about a means by which you could write L17 using basting and spit so that it carried both those aspects, but couldn't find anything that was really fitting, so maybe it would be well enough using one and letting anyone who might connect the other. Thought of "with" but that just doesn't sit right. There may be something like "bound to the spit" but then you'd loose basting, and that might not sit right either.
"basted by the spit"???
I sorta like the way "basted by the spit" sounds and it could carry all sides [saliva & spit by fire as well as enjambment to suggest 'lambaste'], but... I don't fucking know.
Don't mind me... I'm just rambling again.
Always want to be careful not to over-saturate, so might be a good call to ignore any impulse that feels as such.
Seems there are mixed feelings about the final stanza by others. I am sorta indifferent to that part myself, but it isn't entirely detracting or anything. Just a tone change as I suggested earlier and someone else has echoed which I think is worth re-considering.
I should be off now before I become a ham.
Hasta Luego.
— OldShoe
the comments and thoughts this poem has received are absolutely overwhelming, I never expected such a response, honestly. There are far too many of you to thank specifically and individually, but you all know how much I appreciate your suggestions. I will have to take some time to digest them all fully, as they are all worth more than a glance.
Sock, I did want to address you regarding the moonlit cracks and such, as you had mentioned it being a bit sweet, because it is important to remember that this is about a little girl, and though the poem is dark, it should still remain slightly sweet and innocent, as she tells it, at least in that particular area, for let us not forget that there is an unmeasurable amount of love (though complicated by fear) in her eyes as a child loving a parent and yearning for their approval. I am not suggesting that this area does not need a little lift, because I think it does, but I would like to keep it somewhat twinkling.
I hear the thoughts about the last stanza, I understand the abrupt change in tone, I hope I find the means to smooth that out a bit though I feel I'm a bit stuck without the 'pig' and I did find it amusing to visualize a wild pig with work-boots and a lunch pail. :) There is actually a lot I could do with that, however, it is a risk at this point to make too many drastic changes; it has to stay real.
In my original version I had used 'lambasted', which is why you see what you see now, just thought it should be changed up a bit. I like basting on a spit, perhaps I can work that in.
Again, thank you for spending so much time on my poems, OS.
and everyone else,
Starr, Alch, Tandi, pony, polly! psych, paul, larry, Til, billy! Thank you all.
:)
— jenakajoffer
you made me speechless
— unknown
well, sometimes you just gotta' say it simple, like country music, go for the 'heart' and not the 'head' games - we all 'know' too much, so 'head' jobs are unsatisfying and cliche' in irony, while poems ought to batter the head and pierce the heart with what you say... like this does in everyway
— AlchemiA
The phrases are outrageously creative! the tiny mouth of night, silver moon cracks...lovely and apt. Good job.
— Isabelle5
Nah...two many "i's" now from L18-22. More specifically, "and when I missed night-shift" sounds out of place. How about this: v
when i was a girl
i liked stickers and gum
and when nights shifted,
i would sometimes squeal.
Or somethin' along these lines. Making "night shift" a noun seems to be where the problem lies here, Jen. Some food 4 thought. Love you! xo
— starr
Starr, I'm glad you brought that to my attention because I had no intention of posting that edit, I wasn't aware that I had! I must've been twiddling around and forgot to just exit the page instead of posting it. Thanks for your suggestions, I will continue to think about this. for now, I am posting this without 'pig' in L20. love ya!
— jenakajoffer
I think that writing that gets this close is when writing is truely at its best as a medium for human expression. By making everyone else feel in whichever form they responded is is what makes writing effective. You have changed other people through your writing and hopefully by writing about something, changed for the better as well. I hope to one day have the blessing of the talent you have. Keep posting, I will definately be reading. All the best, Roxanna
— Callisto
overrated poem, and the author may know this
— unknown
Twists the guts to read, shockingly effective work. You're a very diverse writer Miss Jen and have a unique ability to garner a strong reaction from your readers.
— sybarite
Reidy here. I agree with Isabelle in most particular. Every image resonates. It's very "little girlish" and scary-sweet like BBQ sauce. It's a great story. Thank you, no crits.
— unknown
and this could also work without the first two lines.... :)
— RonRon
bloody excellent
14-17, 1-2, 3-8, 9-13, 18-22, 1-22, title, what a poem, just brilliant
woman 16-17, where do you get that stuff?
— stout
This is disturbing and vivid . . . I'm very impressed.
— madeleinek
I'm back (again.) Hehe. I'm lookin' at L's 20-22 and wondering sumpthin': Is he supposed 2b workin' night-shift? If he IS, then why are you squealing? Are you squealing meaning when kids "squeal" on each other? Are you telling someone else about what he's secretly doing OR are you squealing (as with pain or delight?) Just thinkin' about where you're goin' with it. That's all, Jen. God, this is SOOO good and SOOO fuckin' disturbing. It reminds me of my own "Perfect Sin" in so many ways. You remind me of a flower...a sweet-smellin', pretty purple flowah. Shitdawg of Love xoxo
— starr
Callisto, your comment was very touching, thank you.
Hi Syb, your words are very kind.
thank you Reid, Ron, Madeleine.
Stout, most honoured to have your comments. Where do I get this stuff...hmm, guess i borrow it from the memory bank? ;) thank you so much.
Starr,
thank you for coming back. let me help clear a few things. yes, 'he' the 'boar' would work night shift, and the phrase goes, as a little girl squeals, usually in reference to delight-- in this case, delight stemming from the absence of the boar. 'squeal like a girl' is a giggle, and if you take the stickers and gum into careful consideration, one will realize they may be gifts or bribes given to keep a secret.
however, 'squeal' is intended to create an optional ending, a twist, and i'm ok with that because it works on an honest level for all it's multiple meanings, that's the beauty of it. it's also important, and I hope I conveyed it well enough, to realize that it was only during the period when he worked night shift that she was able to be the little girl who liked stickers and gum.
thank you so much Starr, xo.
— jenakajoffer
bacon addictions are hard to break.
writing is a good start no less.
— unknown
i found the imagery terrifying
excellent writing. wow
— dvdsxr
Outstanding poem, made me shiver.
— unknown
vivid and very powerful. one wouldn't think twice of shooting the boar.
— bohemian
reminds me of this scene in precious.
— bohemian
the first version was better. still i feel that other poems deserve the number one spot now.
— unknown
thanks for the comments to the rest of you,
unknown, the first version? that would only have been a few minor word adjustments, but I appreciate your opinion no less. and you're right, i think it's time i relinquish this top rated spot. thanks again.
— jenakajoffer
WWWWWWwwwwow, this angry, brutal poem realy hurts and it is absolutely sublime - I absolutely love it. Amazing!!!
— asphara
I don't understand this poem...
— Sequiturist
hows so, its terrifyingly as clear as day. very well done btw.
— Rss233
very strong poem - bravo !
— Narnia
In all seriousness, can someone please explain this poem to me?
— Sequiturist
An account of incest/rape/molestation from the perspective of the daughter. I think that is quite clear.
— unknown
Absolutely my favorite!!! Brings memories rolling in for me.
— unknown
Fair enough, although I don't understand how the image of the lamb basting on a spit really applies here...
— Sequiturist
oral and anal intercourse: the girl is the tongue-lashed roasting lamb and the wild-pig has a rod inserted all the way through, Sequirtest
— unknown
Basting a lamb a spit relates to the father's tongue. Pretty simple. Lamb is innocence. And lambaste is word play that comes out of the image meaning to assault. It is packed full of reference. Open you eyes.
— unknown
This is such a fine poem - and it doesn't get old.
— asphara
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
jesus asphara, i empathize, but this is just not appropriate, im sorry but i have to ask to have your comment removed, its just too disturbing...please, write a poem about it. my purpose for posting this is not therapeutic, its about words and shaping...i realize the subject matter might have invited obscenities, but i truly hoped it wouldnt. thank you for your understanding.
— jenakajoffer
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
i was trying to be tactful and respectful, i mean really, i don't find this funny.
you have some good sharp tones and a edge that demands attention in your poetry, from what little i've seen so far, and i think you could do something with that..use some of your comment here even.
posting it to me, i am affected. it disrespects the poem and your words lack empathy and dignity to children in general, it's quite offensive to read such a thing. i don't expect you to come from the same place as me, just wanted to tell you how i felt. obviously, say what you will, it's an open field.
— jenakajoffer
Oh my god I'm so sorry you took it so seriously! I will bow out to your point of view - the stuff about chocolate and so forth happened to me. I can't beleive you thought it was disrespectful to children.
— asphara
Whoo! great poem :)
— mr_e
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