poetry critical

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i give names to bugs

i sat on the hills behind someone's house yesterday
and stayed there for a while,
held out my hand and a white moth landed there.
i named him charlie.
i told him everything i shouldn't say out-loud
and he was patient, listening.
on a breeze he teetered, stretched his wings and was gone,
so i drove home.
going home, i ran over a nail,
almost ran someone over,
made it to the shoulder.
went out to check out the tire,
and there was charlie on my windshield.
i laid down on the center-line,
counted the cars that went by,
and waited for no one in particular.

10 Jun 10

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Ok, is Charlie alive on the windshield? If so I like this poem, if he is not alive...I am very sad at the moment.
 — psychofemale

im assuming he is dead. i like that the reader can make this interpretation for themselves. this is cute. i enjoyed it.
 — shimmy1x

another fantastic write.
this style is missed.
i have older poems a lot like this-- especially the ending.
personally, i love this style.

i wonder where charlie is now?
 — mandolyn

I give names to city pigeons!  LOL!  This is REALLY good!  It's got a peacefulness about it.  My only peeves here are that in L's 9&10 you're using the verb "ran" twice and in L12, you're using the preposition "out" twice.  I'd scrap L10 altogether for sonic's sake and simply cut out the first "out" in L12.  Maybe instead of "cars" in L15, count "clouds" instead and end there, getting rid of L16 altogether too?  Just a couple of ideas.  It's a masterpiece waiting to happen, I think.  I can feel it.  I'll ck. back on it, see what you've done.  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  I LOVE moths btw!  I HATE mothBALLS though.  Ick.  They're really cute and sweet.  I call 'em "angels" cuz that's what they remind me of.  And people who kill 'em SUCK ASS.  MotherFUCKERS!  Nite.  :-)
 — starr