poetry critical

online poetry workshop



what's real and what's not
psychofemale

We teter-tottered back and forth
 1
with the Ouija board
 2
that steamy summer
 3
"A Midsummer Lover's Dream"
 4
in our starry eyes
 5
 
 
searching for something "real"
 6
in our youth
 7
 
 
At that time
 8
I thought you were real
 9
and you thought I was
 10
as well
 11
 
 
Two real people
 12
wanting something
 13
real
 14
 
 
How obvious
 15
 
 
Asking questions to the unknown
 16
wanting to know "our" future
 17
secretly
 18
 
 
but in the open
 19
 
 
We both knew it
 20
didn't have to say
 21
 
 
like that fallen star
 22
falling to touch something
 23
 
 
I was falling for you
 24
and you were in love with me
 25
We just wanted to know
 26
if that feeling was "real"
 27
 
 
when you wished for me
 28
and I wished for you
 29
 
 
but good things never last
 30
and that's how you know
 31

what's real and what's not

14 Jun 10

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(59 more poems by this author)



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well written
 — unknown

thanks.
 — psychofemale

anyone else?
 — psychofemale

NO!
 — unknown

the sentiment is real and the last lines give us an 'oh' of surprise which is a good move... however, the repetition of 'real' in the body of the Poement takes all the glory from the sentimental-realism of lines 30 on ...

often the story-teller or Poet is like a magician doing a magic show -- he does his second best trick first, befuddles with some not-bad moves 'til the end where he marvels us with his best-trick of pulling the rabbit out of Alice's bonnet -- however, some poets scintillate their sounds with frequencies that eMerge in your inner-ear where they divine as music in the brain to create a world of synergy, pattern-recognition all over again -- yes, and by this alchemy-of-word, the brain-detects changes that become signals which glow sympathetically as warmth in the chest or a chill in the bone, rising again as moan -- as above, so in you, the sky, the Moon and blinking stars too -- so the magic is really that we're all connected by sounds that become music in our head which stimulates memories of smell, sight making a frisson to glissando up yer' spine, oh, awe, and that's a Poetry so fine...

so this has a Poetic-feel and there is a wisdom in it that's so very very real ... write-on Grrl ;)
 — AlchemiA

excellent, your poetic range is improving, and you are creating yourself outside of pure musical lyricism and into pure poetry.

keep writing, you have things to say.
 — unknown

wow :) thanks guys.
 — psychofemale

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