poetry critical

online poetry workshop

what's real and what's not

We teter-tottered back and forth
with the Ouija board
that steamy summer
"A Midsummer Lover's Dream"
in our starry eyes
searching for something "real"
in our youth
At that time
I thought you were real
and you thought I was
as well
Two real people
wanting something
How obvious
Asking questions to the unknown
wanting to know "our" future
but in the open
We both knew it
didn't have to say
like that fallen star
falling to touch something
I was falling for you
and you were in love with me
We just wanted to know
if that feeling was "real"
when you wished for me
and I wished for you
but good things never last
and that's how you know

what's real and what's not

14 Jun 10

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 9, 10

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well written
 — unknown

 — psychofemale

anyone else?
 — psychofemale

 — unknown

the sentiment is real and the last lines give us an 'oh' of surprise which is a good move... however, the repetition of 'real' in the body of the Poement takes all the glory from the sentimental-realism of lines 30 on ...

often the story-teller or Poet is like a magician doing a magic show -- he does his second best trick first, befuddles with some not-bad moves 'til the end where he marvels us with his best-trick of pulling the rabbit out of Alice's bonnet -- however, some poets scintillate their sounds with frequencies that eMerge in your inner-ear where they divine as music in the brain to create a world of synergy, pattern-recognition all over again -- yes, and by this alchemy-of-word, the brain-detects changes that become signals which glow sympathetically as warmth in the chest or a chill in the bone, rising again as moan -- as above, so in you, the sky, the Moon and blinking stars too -- so the magic is really that we're all connected by sounds that become music in our head which stimulates memories of smell, sight making a frisson to glissando up yer' spine, oh, awe, and that's a Poetry so fine...

so this has a Poetic-feel and there is a wisdom in it that's so very very real ... write-on Grrl ;)
 — AlchemiA

excellent, your poetic range is improving, and you are creating yourself outside of pure musical lyricism and into pure poetry.

keep writing, you have things to say.
 — unknown

wow :) thanks guys.
 — psychofemale