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close to guilt, far from pleasure
psychofemale

we all have
 1
our scars
 2
both
 3
physical
 4
and
 5
emotional
 6
 
 
the deepest
 7
forced out
 8
among
 9
the living
 10
 
 
like gouged eyes
 11
surprised
 12
 
 
BATTLE SCARS
 13
and
 14
BATTERED HEARTS
 15
 
 
now magnified
 16
for everyone
 17
to witness
 18
 
 
I am the one
 19
on the stand
 20

guilty

21 Jun 10

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Comments:

hi psycho, nice poem.

i reckon you could lose some of it and make it even better. i don't think you need stanza one - and if you lost a few extraneous words -

for example

the deepest
force out
the living

gouge eyes
surprised

battle scars
battered hearts

magnified
everyone to witness

i am on the stand

guilty.

just a suggestion.

i enjoyed the read,
cheers,
 — PollyReg

now rewrite it as a showing, not a telling.
 — NicMichaels

thanks guys, i'll see what I can do with this when the feeling is right, don't want to rush it...


any other suggestions?
 — psychofemale

i agree with the others
 — unknown

alright then
 — psychofemale

any other ideas for this one, i am a bit stumped
 — psychofemale

i like the above suggestions
 — Tandisol

alrighty thanks
 — psychofemale

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