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Smells Like Lost Spirit
psychofemale

fringed
 1
pom-poms
 2
rest
 3
in a dusty
 4
corner
 5
 
 
her spirit had faded
 6
along with her voice
 7
 
 
nothing
 8
but a hoarse scream
 9
 
 
lingering
 10
through a
 11
 
 
b r o k e n
 12
d
 13
o
 14
w
 15
n
 16
gym
 17
 
 
she sits
 18
in the warm
 19
bleachers
 20
 
 
and looks
 21
out
 22
to an empty floor
 23
 
 
her wish to be
 24
accepted
 25
 
 
her wish to be
 26
a part of
 27
the team
 28
came true
 29
 
 
no longer
 30
cheering
 31
or hoping
 32
to pull through
 33
 
 
just watching
 34
the scoreboard
 35
 
 
count
 36
d
 37
o
 38
w
 39
n
 40
 
 
as she joins the crowd
 41

23 Jun 10

Rated 8.6 (8.2) by 10 users.
Active (10): 7, 8, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(59 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Hello, Hello, Hello, How Low.
 — unknown

Exactly, this poem was dedicated to the unks.
 — psychofemale

ha
 — unknown

like it
 — unknown

I like the idea of this...how you mixed your poem with the theme of the Nirvana song/vid.  I do feel you could tighten it just a bit though.  Like lines 6-7, instead of questions, I think a statement would work better like: 'her spirit faded along with her voice' or something like that. * 'hoarse' line 9.  18-20, 'she sits in the bleachers' might read better.  Also, I'd move line 29 up next to 28 and line 30 down next to 31.  Intriguing write nonetheless.
 — JKWeb

haha I will try to fix that stuff.  haha i typed horse lol

thanks for the feedback, this one really came from a deep place
 — psychofemale

ok, made those changes, it reads a lot smoother now .thanks!
 — psychofemale

nice one PF ;)
 — Tandisol

thank you :)
 — psychofemale

I like what you did with 'down'
:)
 — mandolyn

lingering through

a
broken
d
o
w
n
gym


nice, psychofemale.
; )
 — fractalcore

thanks guys, means so much :D
 — psychofemale

nicely done
i think the first verse sets the test of the
poem up perfectly
 — billy423uk

thank you :D
 — psychofemale

my cheers are silent. but they are there nonetheless. your poem seems arty, and arty seems flatulent sometimes except when exposing an underbelly that is soft and smells of the things which create the paint. your poem has good moves. esp. like 12-17.
 — DeformedLion

thanks a lot :D
 — psychofemale

resignation...an easing of the struggle to be special...i'm not sure if you meant them as positive here.  but on the second and third and fourth reads, that comes through for me.  

deft choice of "warm" to describe the bleacher where she sits:  someone else sat here before me. someone will sit here after me.

lost spirit.  gained soul.



  
 — pittsburgh

thank you :D I am glad you enjoyed
 — psychofemale

definitely one of your best poetic writes pf ;)
 — jharrison

thanks :D
 — psychofemale

this is......so...stupid
 — unknown

ur moms stupid...
 — psychofemale

To soften my somewhat harsh opinion I first will tell you that you undoubtly can write a good poem. Ok, now for my opinion of this particular poem. HOW DEPRESSING!! Who wants to read depressing? Not me...at least not me today.
 — Thundercat

I think this has a great poem in it just by chopping a few bits out. The title is such a no no for me - I checked this poem 'cus it sounded aweful by the title - was pleased to be mistaken but I suspect you woudn't!

I would remove lines 6-7 and also 24-29;

her spirit had faded  6
along with her voice  7
  
her wish to be  24
accepted  25
    
her wish to be  26
a part of  27
the team  28
came true  29

This is all to exlicitly contextualising - victim girl, hard times, wanting to be part of a team - this is the social judgment side which doesn't need to be in the poem. The poem is 10 out of 10 without these lines I think;

fringed  
pom-poms  
rest  
in a dusty  
corner  
      
nothing  
but a hoarse scream  
    
lingering  
through a  
    
b r o k e n  
d  
o  
w  
n  
gym  
    
she sits  
in the warm  
bleachers  
    
and looks  
out  
to an empty floor  
    
  
no longer  
cheering  
or hoping  
to pull through  
    
just watching
the scoreboard  
    
count  
d  
o  
w  
n  
    
as she joins the crowd


10/10!
 — asphara

thanks guys I really see what you mean :)
 — psychofemale

good job^_^
cheerleading metaphor. *shiver*
good job regardless ^_^
 — Rss233

thank you :D!
 — psychofemale

well done, i'm a fan
 — Odin

This was great. I see this as an ode to all those who left the promise and innocence of junior high and entered into the abyss of teenage angst.
 — pasnitro

thanks guys!
 — psychofemale

she wasn't a part of the crowd before?
I don't like her.
 — unknown

she was never a part of anything
 — psychofemale

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