poetry critical

online poetry workshop

... ... ... ... ...

the earth and sky yoked...
left an orange
in the photon bed...
matter and antimatter
never had a decent sleep...
and fire
is but their wakeful memory...

TE IUBESC ♥∞ .. .-.. --- ...- . -.-- --- ..-
adxnmc khed zmc cdzsg...

2 Jul 10

Rated 10 (8.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)

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I love the opening lines 1-3 for their inventiveness and interesting use of yoked

- not real fond of the ellipses, but they are okay - and considering your title I guess they must remain.

l5 feels like an awkward plumb in my cheek - how about

never again had a decent sleep...

thank you for the read,
nice poem,
 — PollyReg

and l7 how about:

"is a wakeful memory"
 — PollyReg

nice imagery
 — psychofemale

i'm confused...
 — Sequiturist

Excellent. I wonder if this is who I think it is...
 — mandolyn

nice poem
 — ChrisYang

love the first 5 lines
not to sure about 6 and 7
 — billy423uk

 — unknown

 — unknown

this ought to come out of a vision of these things which can hardly be looked at, much less named, in order to put an emotion on them so that we can read the universe as humanly knowable. going beyond religion and theology means dropping the mystery and talking about the connections of things which we've been afraid to actually look at before.

'the earth and sky yoked... left an orange...' is a wonderful way to create an ephemeral image of the sun: not said, just evoked through the absence of images. the 'peel' part, then, seems banal, as though you had to turn the dialog into simple words for some simple reason. it drops out of poetry and into lecture.
 — bmikebauer

you got that 'peel' part right, joey. maybe lines 2 and 3 should be yoked in that case, like the way they were before i enforced the linebreak? i had trouble writing this and keeping the vision especially at the point you pointed out.

you detect such things and are very sensitive and a visionary yourself... all the more reason why unks and non-unks should pay attention to you.

thank you for the time you afforded this.
 — unknown

 — unknown

jeeezus fucking christ. this is fucking shite and you know it. and you listening to joey asshole bauer just kinda shows your brain is made of shit too.
 — unknown

well, look at you, unk. is there anything at all you can say that could maybe help me better my work? it's a serious request. if you think this is shite and 'joey asshole bauer' is only around to mess up everyone's day, then please don't be shy and share your ultimate solution to my writing problems. i can take a million 1's from you, but give me at least one good thought to nibble on.

try it on me just once, or maybe once again if you'd actually helped me in the past.
thank you.

 — fractalcore

it's marginally less confusing than everything else, so i'm giving it a 10
 — manuka

you want one good thought to nibble on? ok.

stop writing and find something else to do, as you can't do this very well.
 — unknown

hahahaha, you're so fekkin funny, funk.

i really like the big clown image you're projecting.
carry on and overdo it like you're wont to do.

you're unbelievably useful after all.
; )
 — fractalcore

l1 and l2 are a super-inversion of view which lays down the similar simile-smiles for miles and miles like a fracturous frenetic-freak storming the past-ion: a duality-étude eluding to the fabulous  fractalisciousness making many reflections ...
 — AlchemiA

thank you, AlchemiA, dear sir.

what do you suggest i do with 'peel' there?
: )
 — fractalcore


sorry, for the late reply to your comment/crit. i try to
read the line you're proposing in lieu of that in |5, and
'never again' seems to be a mouthful before i get to
'had' as compared to 'never had | a decent sleep | since
then'. in the case of |7, its loaded not only with the allusion
to |6 but also to |4, besides being 'in cadence' with the
previous lines.

i'm very thankful for your thoughtful read and suggestions,
but i've not really reached that editing mode yet.

hope you'll check back and tell me what you think when
such changes have been executed.

thanks again.
; )
 — fractalcore


thank you. what do you think i should do
with 'peel' there?

; )
 — fractalcore

Sequiturist dear sir,

i'd say the cosmos/mind/heart will always
confuse me, but please tell me which part
you find boggling or problematic.

thanks for stopping

; )
 — fractalcore

rubbee mander,
rubber mandee,

did you guess it right?
what do you suggest i do with it?
should i stop writing altogether and
rot away into a singularity and fast?

; )
 — fractalcore

thanks, ChrisYang.

nice moniker.
; )
 — fractalcore

hi there, billy423uk.

glad you dropped by.
i actually love the whole thing, but please
tell me why |6-7 don't work for you.

; )
 — fractalcore

hi, manuka.

'marginally less confusing' is an interesting phrase.
could you expound on that, please?

; )
 — fractalcore

i'm thinking about omitting 'peel' and 'since then'.
what do you think?

; )
 — fractalcore

Lol- I did not guess right actually. BUT I am glad to see it's you, you or the one I thought equally brings smiles to my face.
See>  :-)
 — mandolyn

I think you should always write. 24/7. never put the pen down or the keys to rest. write until you take your last breath.
 — mandolyn

Who gave Frac a 1 ?!?!
Why I oughtta....
 — mandolyn

hmm, i'm eager to know who you
thought it was. please tell...

was it shrieks-fear? or george

; )
 — fractalcore

No, I thought it was syros. The title made me think it was his. I have not seen him post a poem in a while.
 — mandolyn

haha, i was thinking 'syros', too. well, maybe
he's been busy with other artistic endeavors,
and i've seen his forum posting as of late.

i miss the dude as well.

so, what do you think of this piece now?
; )
 — fractalcore

; )
 — fractalcore

an effervescent-luminescence bending in a whil'd up-high, rolling 'round with the sound of a buddha-full nocturnal sky
 — AlchemiA

...namaskar, AlchemiA...

i actually am thinking on reverting this to its
original state and settle for a semi-poem effect.

excising 'photon' and 'matter and matter' means
a serious overhaul and a humble approach to
beauty, i.e. seeing through the eyes of a child,
and jeezus, it's not that easy to get back to the
vision and poem-moment. i got a little distracted
after |2, causing the poem to dwindle and be
watered down.

it just takes so much energy and i'm fekk'd.

what do you think?

: )
 — fractalcore

I love this piece frac. I fav'd it.
 — mandolyn

thank you so much for faving, mandee,
but i really need concrete answers to my

help, please?
: )
 — fractalcore

what is said:

earth made a sun,
orange in the photons:
matter and anti-
       never had a decent sleep.

fire is memory.
 — bmikebauer

I would not change any of the words, I think it's good the way it is- but I would maybe lose the ... on L3 and L5. Perhaps a comma might do better there. Or a semi-colon after "bed" and maybe a dash after "sleep"
 — mandolyn

thanks, mike.

it will stay as it is now then.
: )
 — fractalcore

hello mandee,

those are good thoughts punctuation-wise,
but then you know that it was my deliberate
intention to forego that. i was rather thinking
the words i used such as photons, matter, and
antimatter were a bit over the top, and omitting
them in favor of their rudimentary equivalents
would mean a longer and more elaborate piece
just so i could sustain a child-like ephemeral effect
all throughout.

but then i'm thinking this is as good as it gets
for now.

thanks for your precious time.
: )
 — fractalcore

; )
 — fractalcore

Nice poem frac.
Quick question.
What's that poem of yours that
looks like a tornado?  I saw it random one day
and didn't have time at the time to comment but
now I can't find it.  Thanks.
 — JKWeb

thank you, sir.

you mean this:
http://www.poet rycritical.net/read/48091/

; )
 — fractalcore

te iubesc asa de mult

: )
 — fractalcore


; )
 — fractalcore

'and fire is but their wakeful memory'... you've got the strong double "m" of matter and anti-matter, and this third 'm' of memory is caged by 'is but'. the artful rhetoric of saying it from a respectful distance can sometimes simply sound like over-articulation -- the way singers in the 1890's rolled the 'r' sound in songs because that was thought to be more cultured than normal diction.

the words in this are:

earth/sky dissolving together,made light into color. matter/anti-matter had had no color, but dreamt of fire.

its seems to me the consciousness of this is:

becoming one with oneness gave me life: the colors of emotion reacted in my atomic reality and made light into particle. i hadn't known that my emptiness was my full being and right there. i had spent so much time wandering in dreams.

are theses close?
 — bmikebauer

This is great as far as the writing goes, but go somewhere with it.  You have your wonderful cut out sun and a dynamic between two intrinsically opposing forces.

I see this almost as a practice write, wrought to keep your pen sharp because you don't have anything to say right now.  As that, 10/10, but I'm not sure of all the elipses.  As a part of a larger work, 20/20.
 — technomancer

this write is wonderful i have to read it over and over and finally get a picturesque to what lies beneath.

i dont understand exactly those repetitious dots. however, it is what makes it a unique write. you're such a clever writer making reader either in awe and/or skeptic. it just leaves the imagination working and faster than what should be written about it here.

 — unknown

good comment.
 — bmikebauer

quantoom boompfh...

; )
 — fractalcore

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