| Dictated to me - while I was in a trance - by neo-adolescent seahorses
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NicMichaels
| i hit my head snorkling while honeymooned, | 1 |
and in my | 2 |
mangled swooning witnessed | 3 |
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a mating dance in miniature, | 4 |
one lusty opus, | 5 |
salt-kissed. snout | 6 |
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to snout two horses drifted, | 7 |
upward of all anchors, on a | 8 |
music sheet of instinct, | 9 |
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shot from seagreen | 10 |
bowers. they spilled | 11 |
a thousand eggs to breed, | 12 |
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changed colors, but never | 13 |
partners. conjoined | 14 |
crazy-waltzing | 15 |
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over ocean floor - | 16 |
to their lovers, | 17 |
made gentle archers. | 18 |
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inspired by crit to School Lunch |
9 Jul 10 |
Rated 9.4 (9.5) by 11 users.
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Comments:
ah wow. just read nother great shakesperian one a nannysecond ago. some kind of wonderful. thank you!! Les
— unknown
shouldn't do the mimic of the wall paper pattern -- in this case the nautical theme, but look at the theme as only an allegory of some transformation or attempt to become real. then the parody would be on this old fool thinking he can change into a poet when all he is is a newspaper vendor. i'd like that, because it would shock me out of my narcosis and into looking real at myself. what this poem does is just make me feel smug, and i really, really hate smug and ironic.
— bmikebauer
mmm it's not bauer bashing by a long shot: I just liked the conceit of channeling sea horses that you introduced with pithy saracasm, and i thought the creative image was wasted on just a crit.
happy poeting, whatever your style, bmikebauer
— NicMichaels
Woah. Did my poem really inspire this greatness? I am honored. :)
L4-L9 is amazing. I love this piece.
— Sequiturist
YOU WENT TO STANFORD?! :D
— Sequiturist
my image was supposed to be tarnished and sullied by my using such a lamer poetic image -- i wanted to come off looking somewhat out of it and out of control. what you've done is put cruise control on my lock-box and now all i can write is 'whoz woodz these R', because there's no more oet, only owe-it.
— bmikebauer
^you said pithy-- I give you a 10 just for that.
;)
— mandolyn
Intriguing poem. Would you consider changing 'partners' to 'partnered'? All the tenses seem to lean that way. I could be wrong. All in all, nicely writ.
— JKWeb
Missed the inspiration piece, but like the result!
tandisol
— unknown
I did see the insperation for this and you turned into a very creative piece. Well done.
— PaulS
nicely done and the father broods with a thousand egg-salient clones while at the hippest-campus, Stanford and Sons ...
— AlchemiA
delicious, the only blemish was alcharlatan's self-serving and meaningless comment like a gush of halitosis in a sparkling meadow.
— unknown
nice pun on hippocampus, AlchemiA
how a part of the brain and a seahorse got the same name is beyond me
— NicMichaels
Chrystal imagery-sharp and clear. Love L3--wonderful sonics.
— sybarite
thanks for getting the pun NiceMike as the unK below my comment could not and can't see this kind of play looking like sHe does through the butFuzz eh... ;)
— AlchemiA
Ogden Nash: " The turtle lives twixt plated decks, which practically conceal its sex; I think it clever of the turtle in such a fix, to be so fertile."
— AlchemiA
Bravissimo! God, you're my favorite poetess these daze, Nic! xo
— starr
Truly excellent -- almost startling -- use of line breaks and internal enjambment: line 6 is just brilliant. You've done well with this.
— DianaTrees
Thanks SybAlchStarrDianaTrees. Something to be said, I guess, for seizing the moment and putting yourself some place bizarre with an unlikely point of view, and going with it. Sorta Carpe Conceit.
— NicMichaels
i like it to be honeymarooned
— unknown
if it inspires, then it's worth it. sometimes you do just have to be a clown for the sake of art.
— bmikebauer
interesting told a story in such short words
— psychofemale
mmm unk yes i saw honeymarooned, also, but it took me out of the read so i rejected it.
bauer, so true! thanks for sharing. i think writing in the discipline of form makes for a pressure cooker that can create unexpected beauty. experimenting with the quirky is sort of the opposite, more like atom smashing or alchemy.
not that i think this poem is anything special at all, i really don't; but it does show a certain process at work. planting a flag in an imaginary poety space...
— NicMichaels
you do understand that this is a niche product for kids, aired with the other saturday morning cartoons...?
grabbing some images isn't like being inspired by a vision. reacting with a twitch to something you heard is to maybe do a dance, on some microscopic level, but it's how it translates out, up, and through your natural talent that shows who you are and what you can do.
— bmikebauer
i've read it
— greenmantle
A bit hollow imho, but Im digging the title.
— unknown
No. The title is crap. How can something be neo-adolescent?
The poem, however, is gorgeous.
— dionysus
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