| cat's cradle
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OldShoe
| thumb to forefinger | 1 |
white valley hip | 2 |
and twisted vine | 3 |
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nail to scalp and buried | 4 |
tongue deep into your | 5 |
primordial wellspring | 6 |
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rib to rib, crossed- | 7 |
scissor | 8 |
lunar lotus stems | 9 |
folded into the night | 10 |
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this hold, this embrace | 11 |
this mouth inside your mouth | 12 |
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uvula echo and breathless | 13 |
ribbon, sweet knotted ruin | 14 |
pierced by the adder’s fang | 15 |
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inside your windpipe | 16 |
broken bone and rattled finger | 17 |
knocking against your throat | 18 |
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fuck me, like i know | 19 |
only you can | 20 |
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feed me— | 21 |
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your cold black misery | 22 |
your shattered cervix | 23 |
and crippled limbs | 24 |
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and i will show you | 25 |
how to swallow | 26 |
an entire continent | 27 |
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submersed in dark water | 28 |
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11 Jul 10 |
Rated 10 (10) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 10
(define the words in this poem)
(41 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wow. Powerful write. Methinks melikes. T1e0n and faved.
— JKWeb
By the way, did you intend 'how' between 'you' and 'to' in line 22? I think it's okay as is but might read smoother with the 'how'. Nonetheless, fantastic.
— JKWeb
Looks like you fixed it as I was typing. Carry on.
— JKWeb
It was there. It was twisted out on an edit without intent. As you noticed.
— unknown
im feeling the sensation of having someones nails dug into me, but not in a pleasant way. anyway, has power. very much anxed.
— Rss233
into you primordial wellspring.
mirror- too much , lunar lotus stems folded in the night.
line 12 overkill
— unknown
sounds like road kill (line 12)
— unknown
This is a good poem, albeit dark and necropheliac. Great imagery, possibly from a nightmare. Anyway, good job.
— JohnW
"i'd still fuck you"
— unknown
Strong lesbian undercurrent to this work, particularly in that third stanza. Interesting use of "knotted ruin" when pierced by the adder's fang. This is good stuff throughout. No nits, no changes.
— DianaTrees
much much better, you liked my suggestions?
now, who belongs to this, want to claim it? nevermind I know.
— unknown
i think the diction fits the overall tone; it's an overthetop write, so anything works
nicely executed, in particular from L13 to the end, although i never like profanity in a poem, but that's personal taste
— NicMichaels
not because fuck offends me; i just think it's weak and cliche
— NicMichaels
Knowing that there exist people that feel exactly that way, yet knowing it need be written anyway, is exactly the difference that makes it not so.
— unknown
something like this really needs a little symbolism, maybe some object for the reader to focus on, some little fetish thing to give-yourself-away with so that the reader get's excited. like, 'panties with a hole in the backside' kind of real obscenity instead of this oblique way you have of avoiding any actual memory. if it's that the memory would make you cry, then cry on the page and find out what and how you really can say things in poetry.
— bmikebauer
Is this a lesbo sonnet?
— unknown
A sonnet consists of 14 lines in iambic pentameter.
No surprise that yet another unknown is clueless about poetry.
— DianaTrees
YOU ^ can be such a biotch, nothing better to do? why don't you go write a book- since we can all see how brilliant you are. such a biotch tree.
— unknown
Biotech is spelled with an e. Bitch does not have an o.
The author of this poem writes well.
You, however, are clearly a twit.
— DianaTrees
wow. this was crazy and took me on a nonstoppable ride until the end
— psychofemale
the author of this poem needs a real friend to help get out of soft-rant and pseudo-intuitive. there's probably something here in talent, but there's no point in writing this except as a note left behind. i don't think that, as a story, it works well enough to carry all this history.
for things like this, small loves and small commitments, i think ironic works best as short story, where you see the other one being a shit and see the author trying to bend those unsaid words into a sentence.
— bmikebauer
That is twat to you DT.
— unknown
It need to be slept on. It needed to break out of the box. Only you would know.
— unknown
I like this, is a lesbian fantasy?
— ghost
I don't know.
Is a lesbian fantasy?
— unknown
what the crap?!!?
wow.
the writing is great- very strong.
L23, lol but also wonderful.
— mandolyn
Appreciate the comments and feedback.
— unknown
Should have known...
— unknown
shoe of old, you wicked thing.
♥
— mandolyn
I'm a huge lesbian.
Now pardon me while I go hang a garage door.
— OldShoe
the last line is flat, doesn't have enough energy of wit to modulate away from the image in the stanza before it.
like, something stronger, like,
"an entire continent...
suck in the memory of your tits."
would be pretty macho and a good harmonic move...
— bmikebauer
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