| Witnessing A Murder
|
starr
| Trees fill with | 1 |
black laughter. | 2 |
| |
Moon becomes | 3 |
a guilt-free accessory; | 4 |
| |
perpetrators, raucous | 5 |
then gone. | 6 |
|
18 Jul 10 |
Rated 8.9 (9) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 2, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1): 10
(define the words in this poem)
(184 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
ah yes, but the moon saw it all, therefore making him an accomplice.
— mandolyn
...Ah but there is a metaphor here...Muah hah ha ha HAHHHHH! :-O
— starr
this is magnificent if it's what I think it is, starr. care to induldge me?
— unknown
comma after black would make it seem like a quality instead of part of the name, 'black-laughter'.
the breaking of the verb, like you're doing with 'hangs', is too arty now --it's done by every semi-poet trying to sound emotional. probably the thing that makes this happen for you is that the moon and guilt-free sound like an advertising slogan for guilt-free moons.
— bmikebauer
Nice write. Do you need loud in line 2? Black laughter gives that impression, in my opinion. You might not even need night in line 1.
Your usual brevity and as usual, it works!
— Isabelle5
Thanks, Mike for the visit and Isabelle, you're RIGHT. It had some redundance in da mix, so I reworked it a little bit. Thanks! :-)
— starr
...and Unknown way up above, no indulge-a-ma-catin' up in HE-yah! :-P
— starr
EH! Where did the black-laughter go? That was one reason you didn't need Night trees! I want it back, dammit! I love that line!
— Isabelle5
UGH!!!! How's DATT? :-O
— starr
humm...
i find,
trees are filled with laughter,
moon, a guilt-free tree. hanging
in the branches, all that's gone
is me.
— bmikebauer
Ahm...no. That makes about as much sense as a doughnut and a cup of coffee had me 4 breakfast this mornin'. :-O
— starr
yes, starr... but, the real and hard-core truth is that people would remember it, and all they'd do is glance at this word-chime thing you've posted and go tsk and then look for another thrill. it's always about how it's written.
— bmikebauer
Now that I understand, I think silent should be raucous. They are never silent!
— Isabelle5
I disagree, Mike. I'd rather be known for being a writer who makes sense than as a writer who lays down stuff like that. I would think that the reader would be more inclined to say, "Tsk!" and move on when something seems overly cryptic.
— starr
Agreed! I was goin' 4 more of an "after the fact" scenario, but you're right. I'll keep it in the present and let 'em have a party! Thanks, Isabelle! :-)
— starr
but, this doesn't make sense, and mine was about suicide -- converting the 'murder' to 'self-murder'. anyone of your sense-certainty crowd would think yours is about killing the moon or something, something they'd vaguely remember from some soc class in college. you can't control the level of ignorance for readers of your writing. and, really, you won't be remembered at all if this is the best you can do with this material and your talent.
— bmikebauer
Dear heart, it's about a murder of crows (more than two crows) sitting in a tree.
:-)
— starr
...and here I am thinking you could read poetry, Mike. You slippin' or sumpthin', dude? :-O
— starr
it's not, it's about a lynching in south carolina in 1952.
— bmikebauer
You're thinking of "Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday.
— starr
nope, i'm thinking of this poem you wrote about killing old-growth redwoods with a raucous chainsaw.
— bmikebauer
And I'm thinkin' that you might go lie down for a little while. The murder has left you feelin' a little worn today.
— starr
you do know that that 'murder' in 'murder of crows' is of dubious origin, pulled from a glossary, with no provenance for the phrase -- that it has no poet's meaning, only a scribe's transcribing? and, that to write a poem on a phrase or motto and not do anything to pull meaning out of the phrase, is to write junior-high or AARP? you'd to better to say that it was about the lynching.
— bmikebauer
Hey, most of us are of dubious origin! A poem isn't right/wrong, good/bad based on proveability! Most poems are fiction, why not use what we have? I love murder of crows, kettle of vultures...
— Isabelle5
no poem is fiction: the poem itself is the fact. the small-intellectual knowledge wasn't enough to inspire. it's not a clever poem, if all it's to do is map murder into nature. and, it's not a map, if the 'murder' in, 'murder of crows' is simply frisian-celt come into english for 'flock'.
another, and probably more interesting etymology might make 'a mother of crows', where 'mother' is the name of the head of a nunnery: women in black.
— bmikebauer
Oh, Mike. I keep forgetting. You're the only one here who "invents language." Do forgive me my trespasses.
— starr
mur·der (mûr'dər)
n. 1.The unlawful killing of one human by another, especially with premeditated malice.
2.Slang Something that is very uncomfortable, difficult, or hazardous: The rush hour traffic is murder.
3.A flock of crows. See Synonyms at flock. :-)
— starr
nope, you've misunderstood that too. any good poem is an invention of language with a grammar of its own by a conscious author. this one just didn't make it. it's because the little trick of 'murder' just wasn't deep enough to cause you any doubt about your cleverness. you only invent a poem when your clever has gone and all you can do is invent words again so that you'll be able to live at all.
— bmikebauer
those are trailer-trash dictionary definitions. do the work, don't try to fake out word people. start with the OED, look for the frisian cognates, do some thinking and etymological research on the original phrase and how it came into english. you're a poet, not a stand-up comic.
— bmikebauer
LOL @ bauer trying to tell the poet .. no, force the poet to accept that he is wrong and bauer is right.
and bauer will go on and on slagging and insulting and trying to tear apart the poet for not agreeing with him.
bauer has bad wiring in the head, and is fucked up.
— unknown
you think i'm wrong? i'm actually looking at the scholarship. you boinkos are looking at your websters, and that's not good enough. you want so easy a win that you step on your own tongue, unk. just come along for the ride.
— bmikebauer
hint: check 'mordero' and its cognates and relate that to one aspect of a flock of crows. it's much more workable on the imagination than crows in 'morto', and much less silly as explanation for the phrase.
— bmikebauer
you think i'm wrong?
yes, actually, you are. you even contradict yourself in your own comments.
stop trying to force other poets to think, talk, and write like you.
— unknown
yes, you are. some of the phrases in english are misunderstandings of phrases from another language. you can't be right just because you think i must be wrong. you're prejudiced. when starr does the etymological work on this phrase he'll have some good scholar moves and a better sense of how really plastic language is. that's a good thing to share.
— bmikebauer
I read this, and smiled. That is quite a feat for me at the moment.Starr, you are what you say you are. I can start believing perhaps, in the power of words again.
— crimsonkiss
This isn't History 101, this is poetry, creativity. For a man who spells fuck 'fuk,' seems odd that you'd be ragging on Starr over a phrase that most of us recognize.
— Isabelle5
what i see isn't history 101, it's english class and a boy handing in something clever for teacher. there's two smart ways of looking at this verse: does it work for its intended audience, and does it take poetry out of banality. but, if the audience is a simple-minded audience who won't even remember this one in a month, what's the duty of the critic here? isn't it to show the author some things he might not have considered -- especially on a really low-brain thing like this phrase? -- how really uninspiring it obviously was -- this is not smart poetry writing, just sentence sewing.
the original phrase probably meant something like 'a mordering of crows', which means a 'pecking of crows' -- it wasn't the definitive word that anyone would have used in the 16th century, just one clerk's observation. since we're poets and words are medium there's every reason to find anything and everything about the words we use.
— bmikebauer
Hey, Crimson- Thanks! Glad u like it and I'm honored by your compliment. Words are beautiful thangs! Take care and have a good day. Maybe you'll go out and witness a murder too! LOL! :-)
— starr
I guess I see someone taking a bit of risk, using words that do describe his vision of crows. I don't particularly care where the original phrase came from, I've done that on poems of my own, such as Bitch Train. I haven't found that phrase anywhere but I used it and I'm keeping it.
— Isabelle5
isn't it to show the author some things he might not have considered -- especially on a really low-brain thing like this phrase? -- how really uninspiring it obviously was -- this is not smart poetry writing, just sentence sewing.
Okay...and the first strophe of your Harvard edit IS smart poetry writing? Get ove yourself, Mike. I'll go get u a ladder.
— starr
get over...ovah...oh verr...yo'self.
— starr
fuck the moon!
— DeformedLion
Delicious, as usual :)
— PaulS
but only two thirds of it is working for itself, the remainder is gorging itself into obesity, and the mirror has darkened by the half-stray.
— DeformedLion
Thanks, Paul. :-) And D.L., thank you too, even though I have no idea wtf you're talkin' 'bout, dude. :-O
— starr
Translation for the Deformed:
Please pass the ashtray. This mustard tastes like cauliflower.
Dishwasher.
— OldShoe
Back to the first little wee poem, better than tarting it up!
— Isabelle5
You know DATT'S right! Ain't no tartin' up in here! Murder, he wrote! LOL! Thanks, Isabellicious! :-)
— starr
great write
— psychofemale
Thanks, pschofemale. Glad u like this. :o)
— starr
Clever title.
I think you should get rid of the passive voice. In S2 and S3 you've conspicuously cropped out the be verbs, but their tone and intention remains.
In S3 it seems that the crows are gone, when it's much more likely that they're asleep. Maybe that's what you mean by gone, but I think there are better ways of letting them disappear.
— A
Thanks, "A!" I got rid of the passive voice and added some modifying verbs to better connect the subjects here. The crows only landed for a few minutes and flew off. That's what I mean when say that they're raucous then gone. Glad u like this enough to drop some helpful comments. I appreciate it! :-)
— starr
Oh, I see. But, hey! you don't have to let facts get in the way of a good story. Once the moon is out they're looking for a place to roost for the night. Something must have disturbed them. I love crows. I love your poem.
— A
now it sounds like you're trying to talk french-canadian anglais.
— bmikebauer
Thanks, "A!" Yeah...crows ROCK! :-)
— starr
hm ud like Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, reminds me of the scene where the church gargoyles come alive and confess of murders they've seen
— Rss233
Right on...I'ma have 2 ck. that one out, Rs. Thanks 4 the drop-by. :-)
— starr
Superbly beautiful.
— magnet
Thanks, magnet! Glad u like this. :-)
— starr
I enjoyed this.
— dannyprice
I'm glad u dig it, Danny. Thanks! :-)
— starr
I needed help, and when I got it, was blown away. Bravo.
— PaleHorse
Thanks, PaleHorse! :-)
— starr
|
|
|