| you and me but first, a sail
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jenakajoffer
| we fell hard | 1 |
love hard | 2 |
the world said | 3 |
it penetrates | 4 |
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you said | 5 |
let's string two tins | 6 |
across the sea | 7 |
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I said sail my hips | 8 |
I want to be | 9 |
your side of the sun | 10 |
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you said stay still | 11 |
I'll build a boat of pine | 12 |
hold your breath | 13 |
to mine | 14 |
paint you blue | 15 |
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I said hurry | 16 |
I'll entertain the surf | 17 |
with my thighs | 18 |
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quite open. | 19 |
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24 Jul 10 |
Rated 9 (9) by 11 users.
Active (11): 1, 3, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
line 8 doesn't seem normal.
— unknown
think deeper
— unknown
i was just speaking of how i wanted to sail away today.
love it jen.
:)
— mandolyn
fresh twist on old metaphor... very nice! Perhaps consider omitting all punctuation from title on down... L6 "let's"
— jpmhawk
thank you mandee :)
jhawk you are right, originally wrote this with no punc then i went all squirrely. thank you kindly.
— jenakajoffer
I think you should keep the tense in the present: we fall hard/love hard
I don't see the point of lines 3 & 4, but then I've been short-sighted recently.
Love the strings across the sea.
Line 8 is strange, but I kinda like it.
See what it sounds like omitting lines 19 and 20.
— A
Oops, I meant string. While I'm at it, for clarification: you say, I say.
— A
A. love your suggestions, thank you. i wanted to play open, with the thighs, but i also feared being suggestive, wanted to be delicate...however, it reads nicely this way and i will wait to see if i hear of any disapproval. ;)
— jenakajoffer
I had the same worry when making the suggestion, but it just sounds so good. And it was kind of suggestive anyway, I think.
A
— A
Nice poem done nicely.
— JKWeb
A. mmmmno. Cant do it. not ready.
:/
thanks j
— jenakajoffer
Jen, your poetry always makes me sigh. This is lovely.
— sybarite
this is exactly how it is.
— jenakajoffer
sort of a bit corny. like the paint you blue in line 15. line 19 seems a bit disconnected.
— bombastic44
no one gives a fuck what i'm think now, anyway, this is a 10
— manuka
i could correct it, but why bother?!
— manuka
good one!!!!!!!
— psychofemale
completely endearing without being trite or unnecessarily epic. fun, too.
— pittsburgh
too much i said, you said
— unknown
seems disconnected.
— unknown
stupid, stupid, stupid. why do i write these things?! i'm so sorry Jen.
— manuka
i wanted to comment before but had nothing to say, and still don't but to say that it is awesome. it is poemtastic.
— DeformedLion
Even better the third time around. That I'd want to read it again says all I need to say.
— A
maunuka what is your deal?
— unknown
Beautiful, poet.
— unknown
l i rlly liked 5-7 :) loved the title too. ur poems make me swoon :P good job
— Rss233
why do you need your thighs open?
— unknown
this is exactly how it is.
— jenakajoffer
i like the title the most. i like some other things too.
— DeformedLion
thanks linus...i like the title best too, and i like the love part the best too.
— jenakajoffer
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