| To Be Wild
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A
| Is that rumble from these passing clouds? | 1 |
No, it’s the crescendo of evocative beast | 2 |
snorting and charging—a conceivable clash. | 3 |
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With you, lovely son, on my shoulders | 4 |
and so many steps to the paddock fence, | 5 |
I wrench about in loose, suburban shoes | 6 |
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to face the storm of hooves. I glower | 7 |
and growl: Whoa! Stomping to a stop | 8 |
he dips and tosses his head. Generous | 9 |
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with humor, you laugh, reaching for the softness | 10 |
of his flaring nose. Ah, he’s still a colt!— | 11 |
I’d forgotten how it is to be wild. | 12 |
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30 Jul 10 |
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Comments:
not for critique?
— bmikebauer
Mike, this was workshopped at another site and subsequently won a contest. Then I submitted it for publication, and it was rejected (as was every poem in its company). I thought after so much time had passed that I'd see it with new eyes and understand what it needs. But I don't. So yes, I'm looking for new and untainted (by being overly familiar with me) insights.
Thanks.
A
— unknown
it's very old-style voiced, and seems too timid to reflect the title. you've set 'wildness' with the 'rumble', but it's by saying words and not saying agitation. the jumping of the child is from energetic enthusiasm and a wish to be free, but, the poem's voice is elegiac. probably, you gave it to the wrong publisher. there are many distractions in this one though: the 'ton' of beast, the 'loose suburban shoes', when i want to keep focused on your son and the burden and meaning of him, not your shoes, no matter how down to earth. 7 through 9 are nice as writing... you might say, though, 'whoa, boy' to keep the reality that this is about your love for your son, and not your awkward surprise that you have one. i think it's just distracting, not a mistake of sensibility. but, it's in the reading that we know you, not your intentions.
probably, the last line is weak... it's an aside to yourself, when you need a strong aside to the reader at this point. possibly one solution is to flesh out the 'he's still a colt' by showing some coltish gesture of his -- '... still a colt, wending on any path... i'd forgotten how it is to be wild'.
— bmikebauer
born . . .
— unknown
As indicated by the closing line, I was feeling old (and, yes, maybe even timid), certainly not wild--the wild is going on around me, not in me. That, not my love for my son, is the premise. I needed this special set of circumstances to see what I'd become.
I suppose that "half a ton" distracts you because of the way you want to interpret this. As for the shoes, I was trying to show how out of place I was in the paddock. (It wasn't always that way.)
While I like the idea of "Whoa boy!" the situation felt fight-or-flight, there was no time for additional syllables.
The last line is supposed to be an aside to the reader and to myself. But you've got me thinking... how about something like, Ah [look], he's still a colt! I'd still not have shown how I know he's a colt, but I'd be involving the readers more; maybe they'll take my word for it or, better, imagine something coltish from thier own experiences.
Thanks Mike. I'll continue to examine your crit.
A
— A
the last line reads like a positive reaction -- an energetic reaction -- to seeing your son's wildness. it's not about you feeling old, it's about you being renewed. that's how it reads, no matter what silent intention you held. especially since the poem is elegiac on your lost youth. it's a very clumsy wording -- the half a ton just doesn't add up to great writing -- cliche -- and, just adding it to crushing clouds to it to sound deep is doesn't clear up the image of a small locomotive huffing in a circle. you might do some creative thinking on this -- start the poem with stanza two, and in an objective and poet's way, see how that changes the actual word-reality of that stanza and its meaning for the next stanza.
— bmikebauer
I didn't express myself very well. Of course at the ending I was renewed, as you say. That was what happened and what I wanted to portray. I meant I was feeling old at the beginning, not at the end.
Though I don't agree that it's cliche, I do agree that half a ton is not very imaginative. I'm working with an idea (similar to yours) for S1, but I'll experiment with your starting-at-S2 advice.
A
— unknown
always agree with bauer. hes never ever wrong.
— unknown
l7 is very strong. Good write.
— unknown
Thanks for the specific, unk.
A
— unknown
interesting poem
— psychofemale
OK
— unknown
Changed line 2.
A
— unknown
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