Comments:
if you compile clever things about women, will women think more of you than a clever joker? this has the feeling of natalie clifford barney having a 'resentment' in cultured terms.
— bmikebauer
just so beautiful..
— manuka
Cool poem. I like the chords, especially lines 7 through end line 10. Nice.
— JKWeb
I break for turtles.
— jenakajoffer
I break for nothing. Road kill all around.
— mandolyn
you have no idea what i'm talking about, thank goodness.
— jenakajoffer
L9-10 are beautiful. I do understand that. But if this is by who I think it's by, then I shall not leave a serious comment.
— mandolyn
(sorry, I am in a really bad mood right now--this poem is truly divine. I read it earlier and gave it a 10, did not comment. Came back and read it again, loved it even more. Now I must fav it)
— mandolyn
if this is divine, then is it because it's written smart and to your mind and soul -- or, do you only need a poem to say odd words in a pretty way? that could be a joke or a sermon just as well as this verse. it seems to me that if you can't articulate how a poem works on you, then you probably can't watch how you're writing a poem, can't see the more beautiful way, and just write on the freeway till the next rest stop.
— bmikebauer
bauer, back off-- i don't know what i said or did to put your panties in a ruffle, but i LOVE this poem-- everything about it, how the writer explains a woman, how he sees a woman-- it is HIS poem. It is versed beautifully. Yes the word choices are wonderful. The imagery. And there is not one favorite line of mine, they are all great. I have no qualms with this.
This poem speaks truth and beauty at the same time. If it was just candy for us to take, it would not be good. There are raw parts, truthful parts that make someone stand back and say 'yeah... women do think about themselves a lot" women are more emotional then men, yes? Women love attention, but they (we) are the weaker vessel, whether we want to admit it or not.
— mandolyn
it's about the poem, not your opinion. you have to get to the voice of the poet, to find the poet in this. just saying it's got a sugar coating you like to lick, doesn't mean you've said anything at all except 'kilroy was here'.
is all you want on a crit of your writing, some kind of 'mee like this too!' -- if it's to empower, then why not help them with the inside of the poem and not the wrapper...?
— bmikebauer
I don't think this one needs help.
And I admire many different styles of writing.
But remember bauer, I am an inadequate crit so...
you can't expect much from me.
;)
— mandolyn
LOL mandolyn - it can't be by who you think it is because I haven't been at this site for over a year and I don't remember your name. You must be after my time.
— unknown
^ well in that case, nice to meet you.
:)
— mandolyn
And thanks for the compliments!
— unknown
LOL! All women are BEACHES? I like the very deliberate play on words in the title. The body of this piece has some very beautiful feminine references too. I'd like to see more of the feminine inserted here (inlets, "at bay," "heavy flow"...things like that,) but as it stands, it reads quite beautifully and gives off a sweet and salty fragrance. In L4, may I suggest "his" sorrow? In L5, I might insert a preposition (is IN the evidence) and ask you to consider for the rest of this line (that is revealed in our eyes")-It gives it more of a universal flava. Also, in L7, "the worth of a beach" seems awkward and tries too hard to be cute and in L10, "to the sand" seems to fall a little flat to my ears. It could use some more OOMPH in its melody. What CHOO think? I, personally love this and feel that it's almost a masterpiece. You're on your way! Good job! :-)
— starr
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