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Drowning in shallow water

I'm in water
to my ankles
wearing a life-jacket
hoping a wave
will push me
My feet feel the rocks
the water is still
as a lighthouse
with a burnt out bulb
something save me
from this sorrow
I'm drowning in
something end it
the clouds roll in
and cover the sun
the wind picks up
making me shiver
the rain
the water
begins to stir
the wind-
a wooden spoon
and I am just a grain of
in for flavor
along with the others
too afraid to drown

1 Aug 10

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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 — psychofemale

I would lose the ~~ and the ^ and the way 'fall' is written. and the v. and the +.
Sorry. I hate to say all of that, but it's too much. I think if you just wrote this out without trying too hard to make it look artsy, it would read much better.
 — mandolyn

 — psychofemale

anyone else?
 — psychofemale

 — psychofemale

Hi psychofemale, I'm new to critiquing, so please take my comments with a grain of salt, and of course, feel free to ignore them.

The picture you're painting is not entirely clear to me. In lines 1-7, I had trouble imagining the situation at all. I found it hard to determine whether you are happy with your existence or don't care at all. I also found it hard to tell whether the metaphor is static or dynamic; is your metaphor changing or multi-leveled?

At the same time, while reading, I felt deep sympathy for you. Lines 30-33 threw me off though. I feel they contrast with the feeling evoked by the rest of the poem.
 — Semmetrik

Ah sry for the confusion
 — psychofemale

Hi psychofemale - although the enjambments were a bit overly savage in places, I thought it was okay up to 15 but then you switched to 'something' when you'd established the shallow water metaphor so why not say shallow water? Then 26-33 swung into a cookery metaphor at odds with the atmospherics of the first section - sorry, but for me, the inconsistency created a sense of anti-climax. Cheerz. mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

 — psychofemale