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Drowning in shallow water
psychofemale

I'm in water
 1
up
 2
to my ankles
 3
wearing a life-jacket
 4
hoping a wave
 5
will push me
 6
down
 7
 
 
My feet feel the rocks
 8
underneath
 9
the water is still
 10
as a lighthouse
 11
with a burnt out bulb
 12
 
 
something save me
 13
from this sorrow
 14
I'm drowning in
 15
 
 
something end it
 16
now
 17
 
 
the clouds roll in
 18
and cover the sun
 19
 
 
the wind picks up
 20
making me shiver
 21
 
 
the rain
 22
refuses
 23
to
 24
 
 
 
 
fall
 25
 
 
the water
 26
begins to stir
 27
 
 
the wind-
 28
a wooden spoon
 29
 
 
and I am just a grain of
 30
seasoning
 31
added
 32
in for flavor
 33
 
 
along with the others
 34
too afraid to drown
 35

1 Aug 10

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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anyone...
 — psychofemale

I would lose the ~~ and the ^ and the way 'fall' is written. and the v. and the +.
Sorry. I hate to say all of that, but it's too much. I think if you just wrote this out without trying too hard to make it look artsy, it would read much better.
:)
 — mandolyn

alrite
 — psychofemale

anyone else?
 — psychofemale

hmmm
 — psychofemale

Hi psychofemale, I'm new to critiquing, so please take my comments with a grain of salt, and of course, feel free to ignore them.

The picture you're painting is not entirely clear to me. In lines 1-7, I had trouble imagining the situation at all. I found it hard to determine whether you are happy with your existence or don't care at all. I also found it hard to tell whether the metaphor is static or dynamic; is your metaphor changing or multi-leveled?

At the same time, while reading, I felt deep sympathy for you. Lines 30-33 threw me off though. I feel they contrast with the feeling evoked by the rest of the poem.
 — Semmetrik

Ah sry for the confusion
 — psychofemale

Hi psychofemale - although the enjambments were a bit overly savage in places, I thought it was okay up to 15 but then you switched to 'something' when you'd established the shallow water metaphor so why not say shallow water? Then 26-33 swung into a cookery metaphor at odds with the atmospherics of the first section - sorry, but for me, the inconsistency created a sense of anti-climax. Cheerz. mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

alright
 — psychofemale

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