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words-spaces between us

it gets worse
by the minute
will we ever have
for each other
we're holding hands
they're pulling them apart
our endless struggle
for happiness
could save
all that we stand for
all I feel are your fingertips
steadily fading
into the distance
I can't see you at all
just an invisible barrier
hidden in the darkness
as I search for your voice
fading into
a lingering
that won't vanish
all I have are the words
I once heard you say
but all I hear
are the spaces
between them

6 Aug 10

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I would change "get" to "have"  in L3
This is nice!
 — mandolyn

made the changes :) thanks so much
it reads better now!!
 — psychofemale

this is great PF
 — unknown

I like this too... but you can make it better... stanza 3 and stanza 5... compare the language in these stanzas to the others... build off the existing metaphor

what's the struggle in stanza 3... what do you see in stanza 5?

tighten this puppy up... you got something here!
 — jpmhawk

made some changes see what you think?
 — psychofemale

 — psychofemale


 — psychofemale