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words-spaces between us
psychofemale

it gets worse
 1
by the minute
 2
will we ever have
 3
time
 4
for each other
 5
 
 
we're holding hands
 6
they're pulling them apart
 7
 
 
our endless struggle
 8
for happiness
 9
could save
 10
all that we stand for
 11
 
 
all I feel are your fingertips
 12
steadily fading
 13
into the distance
 14
 
 
I can't see you at all
 15
just an invisible barrier
 16
hidden in the darkness
 17
as I search for your voice
 18
 
 
fading into
 19
a lingering
 20
silence
 21
that won't vanish
 22
 
 
all I have are the words
 23
I once heard you say
 24
 
 
but all I hear
 25
 
 
are the spaces
 26
 
 
between them
 27

6 Aug 10

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Comments:

I would change "get" to "have"  in L3
This is nice!
:)
 — mandolyn

made the changes :) thanks so much
it reads better now!!
 — psychofemale

this is great PF
 — unknown

I like this too... but you can make it better... stanza 3 and stanza 5... compare the language in these stanzas to the others... build off the existing metaphor

what's the struggle in stanza 3... what do you see in stanza 5?

tighten this puppy up... you got something here!
 — jpmhawk

made some changes see what you think?
 — psychofemale

better?
 — psychofemale

anyone


else..
 — psychofemale

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