poetry critical

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you told me of a dream
a man in a seersucker with the head of a donkey
stabbed you in the chest with a tree branch
steam escaped from the wound with a groan
your blood ran blue over the white snow
had i heard such beauty

28 Mar 04

Rated 7 (7.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (77): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(25 more poems by this author)

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As usual, your poetry makes me think and challenges me to "see the picture" you are painting.

I like.

Signed: On-Duty Poetry God
 — unknown

Why 'winnipeg' Onk?  
 — unknown

 — onklcrispy

I can't believe a canadian news story was your muse.

Onk, as per usual I love this. what the eff.

the breaks are very good. it serves the piece well to have an introduction body and conclusion displayed like that - however you'd like to refer to it as. good good.

L5 and 6 made me pee myself. they're that good.
 — beatbitch

this is awesome, i dont even know what to make of it, but I love it
 — dmartin

 — unknown

You've told your story very nicely - everything set out beautifully - but where's the beef?  Ahhhh .. perhaps it's about lake Winnipeg, dams, stupid beaurocrats??
 — unknown

I love it, particularly the tie-in to the news.

Lines seven and eight seem to be a smug little statement of satisfaction on the narrator's behalf, one so absurdly satisfied that I can't help but love it.

Great work as ever, Onklcrispy. This really lets you use your imagination, and I like that.
 — arienette

I really like the structure. It is beautiful and simple. It fits the subject well.

once/never:   Perfect.

You are my hero, onklcrispy!!

 — unknown

Onk, you have the rare ability to combine the disturbing, with the beautiful.
 — unknown

that's it. it's going on my 'favorites' list
 — keikeila

The only problem I have with this is that the near-rhyme of lines 5-6 is a bit distracting. Other than that, really rather good.
 — manikin

I sort of like that near-rhyme.  
 — beatbitch

I don't really have a problem with the idea of the near-rhyme, but it catches me up because there isn't one involving lines 3 & 4 as well. If those two near-rhymed, or one of them near-rhymed with the other two, then I'd be fine with it.
 — manikin

I see what you're saying, and I've learned that if you do it once it's usually a mistake, more then it's usually intended.  had 'dream' and 'steam' been more closely aligned then it would be more acceptable.

 — beatbitch

'then' as in 'than'

 — beatbitch

Almost like an expanded haiku. I liketh.
 — PoetryGod

excellent picture    liked it alot
 — sasha277

Eerie and incredible.
 — unknown

 — unknown

the imagery is flawless & i don't like republicans either.
 — unknown

The imagery is a joke!  The last two lines are hilarious.  Perhaps this poem is meant to be hilarious.  Whatever, as it stands, all we have is a donkeyman going ape with a tree branch ...  in a dream. So???  
 — unknown

Mr. Unknown, you are incorrect. Aside from Mr. Donkey, we also have blood running blue over white snow, and steam esacaping from a chest wound, which are very powerful images. I like the subdued approach Mr. Onkl, and I am hopeful you will continue to present to us your uniqe worlds.
 — unknown

it's ...... soo.....
 — expressions

and i never read something so beautiful....
 — ichbinnichts

omg...... this is just plain beautiful
 — ladyknight

so ugly and clean.  i was amazed.
i didnt know what to think until i read the end.
which beat me to my emotion.

and which afterward, seemed, how do i put it,
"Lines seven and eight seem to be a smug little statement of satisfaction on the narrator's behalf, one so absurdly satisfied that I can't help but love it."
yes thats it.

i also noticed that you could easily let it grow wild by removing both commas.
i really like how different it is from your others.
 — gnormal

This reminds me of The Pixies' song "Where Is My Mind?" with its abstract imagery. I really love that song, so I meant it as a compliment.

But the last line, I don't think it serves the rest of the poem -- it feels too, literal, or something. What about never had I seen something so mystical? Yeah, I think it's 'heard' and 'beautiful' that seem ordinary compared to the rest of it. I realize there's contrast between the dream and 'your' reaction, but I feel like the dream should have changed your sight somehow... anyway, just some thoughts. It's very beautiful.
 — Greg

A pretty inkblot in a comical hat.  Our 'Top Rated' list never ceases to amaze. :(
 — unknown

Line 6 is killer.
 — pennylane

 — hank

you people are fucking rediculeous, its awful , i have seen shit come out of my anus that looks better than that
 — unknown

onkl fever? onkl flu over the cuckol's nest?  I diunno - there is something ronkl in the state of Denmark!
 — unknown

I think poetry is like art. Every piece means different things to different people. And if it means nothing to you, it doesn't mean its crap. Just that u ain't very open minded.
 — unknown

... or I'm not a lemming?
 — unknown

In part I'll agree with the unknown - a hefty amount of Onkl's work gets blanket praises that really don't say anything. It kind of irritates me, in a way, regardless of my opinion of his work - a lot of it, frankly, feels undeserved. Which is not to say that he does not produce good work.

However, the other end of the spectrum is people who just say, "This is ridiculous and awful; I can't believe everyone is just lauding this with praises, which I am going to assume is because everyone else is lauding it with praises, and so since I'm not, I'm not just following the big crowd." This is also pretty useless, since it says nothing about what you didn't like about the piece, what could be done to improve it, etc., etc. I must also say that the 'this is art; not everyone gets the same thing from art' reply to these people is not only boringly easy to say but also not really a defense worth making; I know I'm not going to buy it, at least, because Art is not invincible, Art is not some sacred cow, and if you think it is then I'm certain that you have never tried to paint a painting and really mean it.

That being said, I think it is a good piece, though not without flaws (which I have previously stated). It does bother me that people put his work on a pedestal, because Onkl is not some crystal edifice either, which one is not allowed to bite their thumb at. But thumb-biting, merely for the sake of thumb-biting, is pretty useless as well. If you love his work, fine. But love it in a productive manner; give some sort of indication of why you like it or some way of improving it (see, for instance, beatbitch, arienette, gnormal, or Greg's comments on this). If you don't, then give some reason why you don't, such as the unknown who cried that "the imagery is a joke!"

And I've babbeled now, and probably was redundant and may not have even said what I wanted to say. I can't quite remember. Ah well.
 — manikin

commas removed.
 — onklcrispy

onkl, I'm glad I found this poem. Its a relief to know you're still writing.
 — SeraphSoul

this is a very beutiful poem i really really loved it nice job
 — unknown

I like the way the simplistic lines (1,2) (7,8) surround such a vivid stanza.  "...steam escaped from the wound with a groan,"  Now that's what dreams (nightmares) are made of, visual, aural, surreal.... effective.  Good stuff.  
 — fredlocks2k

how is this the top rated poem? omg lol. Theres loadza poems betta than this on here!
 — unknown

I likt the imagery;clearly can see the picture
 — lonelyashley

YIKES! o_0
Good deal.
 — blackmascara

wholly shit, thats amazing. |5 and 6... this is just... shiiiiiiiiit.

Another painting that captured me.

Keep your easel handy--I can't wait to "see" more.
 — rob

this is wonderful. I love how the last 2 lines kind of tie the whole poem together and provide some sort of eerie closure....
 — omega

blood running blue over white snow sounds like almost a direct line from a poem I read before. I can't say it's cliche, though. It's not like people use it all the time. (How the hell could you call THIS cliche anyway?? Some people, I swear, can't think of any other reason to try and discredit/rip on something.)

Other than that the other images are very unique, and stand out, though I don't find them particularly emotionally affecting. You have some strange taste in what you find beautiful. Cheers!
 — unknown

good imagery
as for being in the top rated,
I don't understand because a lot of your other poems were a much more interesting read.
 — TBaskerville

i'm not
a fan of this,
 — unknown

 — unknown

Like a fauvist painting you take the reader into a pictorial dream world.Excellent
 — larrylark

This is really fantastic stuff.
 — mcahn

i don't know, i really, really like this. it makes me thing, and it's definitely a good read. i normally can't get so much out of a poem with under ten lines, but, you win.
 — shakeit

Its makes me think. I like it a lot
 — loveangel

I have no idea what it means, but I still love it.  It's because of this poem that I found the site (I looked up winnipeg and some other word on google) so you could say that this poem is close to my heart :)
 — om

Excellent surreal piece
 — larrylark

I love to see that I'm not the only one who likes to be a little vague every now ant then. Loved it. First 10 I have ever given. nice work.Loved the title as well.
 — dorzia

Ah, it is nice to see this one back in the "Top Rated" section. Definately one of my favorites...
 — dmartin

i never read this before.
it is beautiful

kaleidazcope on a random generation
 — unknown

Thought provoking, sorry i can't comment, I am beneith you :o)
 — PaulBeers

what was the intentionality behind the image of a donkey head and why was the man wearing a suit
 — unknown

good question!
 — onklcrispy

you rule buddy!!!
 — sharp

Wow, it's good, but you need to give the reader more a sense of place.  Brilliantly surreal... (if that makes any sense whatsoever)
 — Leanan

Lots of imagery....bizzare imagery, and yet it somehow has a place.
Very well condensed.
The Tree branch bit- thats great
 — silly

 — unknown

the last two lines describe EXACTLY how i felt after reading this

 — LucyMidnight

I love the images... so lurid, but told through this beautiful language that just sticks in my mind. I am so loving this.
 — Delicatelie

now this, i like. good job...that's really all i can say, other than mentioning parts i particularly like, which would quickly get redundant because i particularly liked the whole thing.
 — gem_grrrl

Intresting!!! New!!! Original!!! Fucking Great!!!
 — crazy

ya gotta love winnipeg!!
 — Darkfollower

just fucking godly.
 — mould_jesus

please explain this poem i dont get it?
 — unknown

well, what do you think it's about?
 — onklcrispy

a twisted dream of some sort with wierd symbolism? can u clarify?
 — unknown

This poem is by far my favorite poem on this entire site.  The symbolism is so strange, and I love the symmetry of the first and last stanzas.  The double meaning, the stabbing and the metaphorical meaning, is so powerful.  This is the kind of poem that makes me want to write.
 — unknown

^ Megabyte
 — megabyte

unknown, i will clarify if you tell me who you are. send me an email with winnipeg in the subject line.
 — onklcrispy

Although I have recognized your talent since I first discovered this site (mere months ago) your poems are too something for my taste.  I believe this to be MY misfortune.

This one like very much.  The structure could not be better.  The poem itself is thought provoking.  The first of those thoughts is you are one twisted
mother.  Hey, that's a good thing, isn't it?  Compared to you, I am as boring as my old sunday school teacher.  Long live the onkl.
 — housepoppy

do u have to be on drugs to get this poem!  if its all about the boundless craziness of dreaming then i find it stupid please enlighten me and dont waste my time
 — unknown

are you really having that much difficulty? i told you to email me.
 — onklcrispy

cant u leave an explanation on the message board
 — unknown

if you insist, i will.
 — onklcrispy

i insist
 — unknown

i love the poem and everything about it...except for the title.
 — CajunMoon

wow, this took me a couple read threws but i've got it. wonderful and striking.
 — SweetPain

 — LivingLies

I love your title, winnipeg, its just really cute! I love the poem too (except the donkey part).
 — Cat

i dont get it but i dont feel i am missing out
 — unknown

The use of a tree branch to stabbe is literarily absurd and the blood can never be blue but red over a white snow.
Convesly, a man in a suit with the head of a donkey must be monster and finally the experience is terible and not beautiful.
 — unknown


You have never imagined the world in which onk lives, have you?

 — unknown

woah that surprised me in the end. why, exactly, is that beautiful when some tux guy with an ass head bleeds blue after he was stabbed by a tree branch???
No rhyming scheme whatsoever, but I did enjoy the surprise at the end.
Looking back it still doesn't make sense.  It doesnt matter... it's better than your
2-line, 5 word crap.
ciao and good luck with your ass headed friend.  hopefully he doesn't bleed blue all over your snow. cya
 — unknown

wait it gave me a different author i thought this was som1 else. nm but still half the stuff i said b4 counts.
 — unknown

i liked the covert way you ignored any sense of intelligence in this design
 — unknown

thank you for buttering my biscuit
 — onklcrispy

dont believe the hype
 — unknown

don't believe the biscuit
 — onklcrispy

I dunno...dont really like random poems...I like linear shit, so gonna have to not score it high.
 — SaleenDriva

Bet the article could have been better
 — unknown

 — OKcomputer

Yeah, linear poems are boring.
 — megabyte

sifitng thru random poems
found your "winnipeg"
nice work!
 — crepaway

what can I say? you just made me cry.
This is so out of the box. amazing.
 — alana

Wake up! Wake up! - it's only a dream he's not really a Blue-nose!
 — unknown

I could return to this poem for the rest of my life and never get bored with it. There are magical creatures on earth.
 — borntodance

 — unknown

wicked dream
 — unknown

that's just great
the only time i've been to winnipeg,
me 'n a hitcher i'd picked up in medicine hat
drove straight thru downtown (hwy 1a)
bought some acid from the sidewalk
without gettin' outta the car
then grabbed a case of moosehead
from a drive-thru beer store...
so what' this poem got to do with winnipeg?????
well done
 — chuckles


to each
his own
of beauty
 — banditfemme

hey onk , that camel and midet miget miggett (small person ) thing , cracked me up.
 — unknown

me too! check out IMDB 'even dwarfs started small'
 — onklcrispy

thanks onk , what is going on with the camel at the end , i read they also nail up a monkey.
http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=RoYkZHg0pao
 — sir_I_clan

beautiful work...no commas and shit, how refreshing.
 — DeformedLion

onk , can we have photofriday back ?
 — unknown

sure if you tell me who you are...drop me a line!
 — onklcrispy

Good job.
 — unknown

the donkey-head man reminds me of "a midsummer night's dream" and sadly when things remind me of other things, I just can't get past it. at least for a while. but I'm sure this is quite good.
 — mindbodysoul