poetry critical

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better offer

I flipped a coin
to win you
I should have had
a better offer
you the rock
me the scissors
you crush me
you the scissors
me the paper
you cut
at my heart strings
what kind of
is this?
I still need a better one
I'll be your solid rock
if you'll be my paper blanket

24 Aug 10

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I liked this very much all the way through L21.  I think it would be more powerful without the last two lines.  

L3 = "should have" instead of "should of"

Would you consider less spacing, as well?  So that it reads a little faster.  All the space between stanzas isn't needed... make it one long stanza?  
 — JaneyJane

alright I will make some changes thanks :D
 — psychofemale

I like this but I agree the last line isn't needed. I would say less spacing not lose it all together it does work into this but i don't think it needs quie as much especially between L7 and L8 or L17 and L18.  
 — Ilena

 — psychofemale

middle 11-12 transfer needs work.
 — unknown

 — psychofemale