|a handful out of thousands
i bent for shells
with red fingers, sun-touched
my right hand
grabbed a handful
out of thousands
then put them in my left hand
as we walked away
I wish you were with me
the river reminds me of you
the letter I sent off the boat
in a bottle
hoping you'd find it one day
pick it up
and read it
you, just you...
8 Sep 10
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I can spot you from China.
This is lovely, and the reason I think it's lovely is because sometimes you are in MY SHOES.
I was just thinking about how I longed to throw a bottle out to sea.
But first I need sea.
I would get rid of the footnote though. :)
Ok I had NO idea this was yours female.
you surprised me.
I think this is your best yet. And hey, why are you in my shoes?
haha!!! I dont know why i am in your shoes lol :)
I have been to the river a lot lately and the river reminds me of all that...:P
and thank you so much!!!
So should I just get rid of footnote or the last line in general? :P
rhythmic sensual wording with perfect beat in the first 6 lines. i enjoyed the rest but the poetry form me is in those first 6 lines :)
i think you could probably lose line 20 quite easily and still retain the attachments you have made in the rest of the piece.
I personally like L20, it gives the reader the knowledge of you wanting just this one person to read this note, and not just any old soul. but i would lose L21.
That's true mandolyn, but there's so much of that already in the piece, such as line17, whereas line21 acts as a repeating balance line to the title.
but what if that person picked it up and did not read it, or gave it to someone else to read?
I was surprised by this. You surprised me. Like watching a baby bird clunk from a nest, play dead, and whoosh...skim the grass with her belly. Keep going :) I liked this. L9-10 especially.
ooohh, very nice :) almost one in a million. There is beauty here, this poem makes me smile. My notes would be that
Line 1 torso seems out of place. Bent at the waist might do but torso to me feels like limb or digit, know what I'm saying?
Thank you all so much! I think I will make a few changes :D
i do love your poem, it's soft and longing and i am there
however, 'my torso bent' is just like...duh!!! sorry i do not mean to sound mean, i am not being mean but i do not see why you need to say torso.
i bent for shells
my fingers red,
took a handful
out of thousands, sun-touched
as we walked away...
i don't think 'touch/touched' and 'hand/handful' works as repetition
and not sure who 'we' is since you say 'i wish you were with me'
the rest is lovely. of course, my thoughts meant for conversation only.
thank you, :)
You took L21 out...and all the sweetness :( it was borderline (oh hell, it WAS) corny. But it was girlish and sweet and echo-ey, too. Now it seems like you're murdering your poem.
i dont know what to say to that really unk...