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wings of desperation
psychofemale

she flutters
 1
flying over a field of clovers
 2
 
 
blue and black
 3
in the face
 4
 
 
no possible way
 5
to catch her
 6
 
 
she's fast as lightning
 7
 
 
no need to put up a struggle
 8
 
 
why does she fly
 9
so fast?
 10
 
 
is she afraid of getting caught
 11
by a see-though net?
 12
 
 
afraid she'll lose her freedom...
 13
 
 
I watch her from a distance
 14
 
 
we are one and the same
 15
although she doesn't know it
 16
or me
 17
 
 
and I never did
 18
until this very moment
 19

4 Oct 10

Rated 7 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (1): 10

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Comments:

Well, are you a bird?  The phrase you need is "One and the same,' not In the same.  People get that wrong all the time.

Why can't you write this from first person?  

You can't catch me,
I'm fast as lightning,
dodging nets that you
can't even see.

Do you see how it immediately changes the pace?
 — Isabelle5

Yes, first person would add more spark.

Perhaps consider Lines 13 to 19 as well. They're repetitive, lackluster and provide a weak ending. Why not stick to the butterfly metaphor and work in the cocoon, metamorphosis, or something.
 — unknown

You mean see through net? L12 (but I think fishermans net would sound better)
Hm, 15-17 could be worded better, like "neither of us know we are one in the same, until this very moment" or something like that. --but then i think another line following (to end it) would work nice too.

-mandee
 — unknown

i think i may need to scrap this one...
 — psychofemale

not sure...:/
 — psychofemale

i wanted it to be like i was looking to the butterfly.
 — psychofemale

you're using too many adverbs on too many verbs -- it's complicated any direct poetry writing.

she flutters in a field of clovers,
no possible way to catch her,
she's
       fast
            ; as
            ;    lightning!
 — bmikebauer

I never got butterfly here.  I like the idea, just think you need a different tense.  Don't scrap it!
 — Isabelle5

I'm just gonna lay it aside for a bit....im mad at it now
 — psychofemale

The ending doesn't quite work, content wise. I think the rest flows fairly naturally.
It doesn't feel false - but some tightening up could help. I enjoyed it.
 — unknown

thanks
 — psychofemale

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