|wings of desperation
flying over a field of clovers
blue and black
in the face
no possible way
to catch her
she's fast as lightning
no need to put up a struggle
why does she fly
is she afraid of getting caught
by a see-though net?
afraid she'll lose her freedom...
I watch her from a distance
we are one and the same
although she doesn't know it
and I never did
until this very moment
4 Oct 10
Rated 7 (8.5) by 1 users.
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Well, are you a bird? The phrase you need is "One and the same,' not In the same. People get that wrong all the time.
Why can't you write this from first person?
You can't catch me,
I'm fast as lightning,
dodging nets that you
can't even see.
Do you see how it immediately changes the pace?
Yes, first person would add more spark.
Perhaps consider Lines 13 to 19 as well. They're repetitive, lackluster and provide a weak ending. Why not stick to the butterfly metaphor and work in the cocoon, metamorphosis, or something.
You mean see through net? L12 (but I think fishermans net would sound better)
Hm, 15-17 could be worded better, like "neither of us know we are one in the same, until this very moment" or something like that. --but then i think another line following (to end it) would work nice too.
i think i may need to scrap this one...
i wanted it to be like i was looking to the butterfly.
you're using too many adverbs on too many verbs -- it's complicated any direct poetry writing.
she flutters in a field of clovers,
no possible way to catch her,
I never got butterfly here. I like the idea, just think you need a different tense. Don't scrap it!
I'm just gonna lay it aside for a bit....im mad at it now
The ending doesn't quite work, content wise. I think the rest flows fairly naturally.
It doesn't feel false - but some tightening up could help. I enjoyed it.