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set in stone

my love for you
was set in stone
until the ground
just as easy as our names
with chalk
on concrete
now only memories
set in our "head" stone

4 Oct 10

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 8

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Maybe just "stoned" for the title.
 — unknown

then i think of weed.
 — psychofemale

Gave way, not gave away. I like how you did that line, falling down drama.  

Nice, small, just right.
 — Isabelle5

Do you really mean gave away? Or do you mean gave way, the usual way of saying it. I like it okay, the deviation from the norm, but either way "and crumbled" doesn't do anything; it's really kind of redundant. How about crumbled away?

I like what you're doing with the chalk names, but "were written" is stagnate. You don't need "were." And I think line 15 would sound better without "just." Easy sounds better than the more proper easily. I hope you won't let any grammarians talk you out of it.

as easy as names
[in] chalk
on [our] sidewalk

Don't like 19--stagnate again. Why does nothing remain. Addressing the disappearance of the names in chalk--specific weathering--can enhance, rather than damage the metaphor.

Memories are iffy poetry things anyway, when stated, and you make it worse by getting too cute in your ending. Are you dead? Okay, N just feels like death. Not good enough. Imagine the imperceptible indentation left by the pressure of the chalk. Do something. Something else, please.

 — A

i am not on a roll today
 — psychofemale

Very nice.
 — unknown

Aw, it's Monday, that's all, PF
 — Isabelle5

 — psychofemale