|not in love with you
expose my torso,
touch the pulse
of my ulcer
divide the skin,
clip the ribs
and remove the chest plate
my heart is stoic,
brisk as Siberian winter
feast on the flesh
of my raw wound-
may you fare better in love
with pierced and bloody tongue
15 Oct 10
Rated 10 (9) by 8 users.
Active (8): 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (20): 1, 1, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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i read the last line as "pierced, with a bloody tongue"
hello mandolyn. that last line gave me a migraine. I see what you mean but shall leave as is for now until I see it differently with a new eye on a new day. thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it overall.
thanks much fractalcore for reading and the one-word plaudit.
i am be liking this with quite a bit a like.
Truly excellent. Francis Bacon would have loved this poem which so eloquently expresses for me , the animal lurking in the soul of man
me glad you likin it unknown. i be appreciatin it.
not too familiar with Francis Bacon but will be sure to google. thanks much for your time and thoughts larrylark.
Me knows not francis ..me knows kevin... and I am certainly is LOVIN JK!
lines 7-8 are the cherry on the cake for me, but then I like it dark.
many thanks unknown(s) for reading and comments. I'm partial to the dark stuff too.
your weakest line is line 8.
i would remove 'of' from line 10.
other than that, perfect. nice title too.
Wow! This kicks BOOTY! L8 is cliche, L10 COULD and MIGHT BE the same, but I'm leaning more toward "It's not cliche" than I am "It IS." If you're gonna use "of" in L10, I might say "Have a taste of my raw wound," otherwise, it leaves a very weird clunk in da mix. It needs a modifier or it needs be left out in my opinion. Otherwise, the perfect black valentine. All ya need NOW is da black candle 2 GO with da black sentiment(s). I wouldn't wanna be on the receiving end of it! :-)
thanks for reading and great feedback raskolniikov and starr. I made a few changes as per your suggestions. better? hope so. gratitude.
thank you for reading as well unknown.
NOW you're TALKIN'. How 'bout (in L10) "feast on what seaps from my raw wound?" - or SUMPTHIN' like that. I suggest this only where one wouldn't necessarily feast on a wound, so much as one would feast on what leaks, bleeds or drains from one (a wound.) Hope this helps. I still think it's kickass either way, JK. :-)
much better. :-)
few more edits.
I have enjoyed the reading of poem. JKWeb.
Whoo HOOO! You go, boy! MUCH better! I mean, "betterer!" Don't let the language bully you. You tell IT what 2 do. :-)
thanks unholy. I appreciate it.
thanks again starr for the extra set of eyes.
I too like it Dark, pitch ;) skills have you.
thank you very much ghost. glad you dig the riffs.
really visual poem, j
feel like a surgeon, like a virgin? hehe, sorry.
ok, um...stoic and brisk seem really odd here. i don't think you had 'brisk' in the beginning, and Siberia was also added as an afterthought? I don't know, i'm having a hard time with it fitting in with the first BRILLIANT 6 lines.
and omg if you say raw or flesh again i'm going to DIE. ;)
i liked 'feast my wound'
but what wound?
you're opened up, forget wounds, feast on my carcass, my scars...
ok i know, i'm ranting.
lovely poem, you know this.
i am quite partial to your 6 lines plus 12/13
thank you for tolerating me.
thanks for reading Estella but I must admit, I find your comments a bit cryptic. I appreciate it anywhoo.
damn, was I really that out there, ok yes i was.
trying to be clearer, i would just omit line 8. see how it just feels like a filler line, it doesn't feel the same as the rest of the poem, in my opinion.
i just don't think you need 'flesh' or 'raw'. i would feast on someone's wounds, you can lick them, so you can feast on them too.
again, good poem and great to come back to,
lots to take in. thanks :)
thanks for re-visiting. you might find why I changed those lines if you have time to read above comments. now I'm attached. I promise not to use raw or flesh if you promise not to use bones.
haha! oh james that was a good one.
i seem to want to not say wound, eh? why?
how bout ouchy? LoL
can i copy this and display it on my chest (ffridge)?
thanks for the return read ghost and making it a fave.
This is really nice, I liked the whole idea. Thanks for sharing, friend.
sew gooed twooo read diss again,
thankx for reading and nice words ayazwarith. glad you could connect.
thanks for having another look fractalcore. 'preciate it.
web, this is one my favorites by you.
the last line makes one sit back in their seat and sigh.
L1-8, strong and full of punch. :)
thanks again mandolyn.
it's kind of good. and sad.
thanks unknown. I'm glad you think good, kind of.
* it's *
love feasting on raw wound
Fabulous. That's all I have to say.
thanks for reading unknown.
glad you think so sybarite. gratitude.
wow i love this, lines 7 & 8 are perfection!
thanx much AlexJose for reading and kudos.
"fare" better in L12. This is intensely vulnerable and so perfectly written as far as masculine tenderness goes. I'll go get the Band-Aids. :-)
thanks starr for the return visit and pointing-out the brain burp.
this is wonderful.
'my heart is stoic,
brisk as Siberian winter'
Thanks for posting.
thanks for reading sisotowbel. glad you dig them lines.
How in hell did I miss this one? Fabulous as usual jk web!
thanks much PaulS. glad you seem to like it.
This is simply mind numbing,
You use imagery as a weapon!
thanks for your interest and kudos.
Dark imagery, has a sadness to it, almost like someone who has given up on ever finding love/happiness (probably way off). Really enjoyed it. I'm with larrylark with Francis the Bacon painting comparison.
thanks for reading and interest stan. glad you enjoyed.
I dunno about all this. I mean it's good, but is it optimal?
This is what I'd say, if you care what I'd say, and since it's the internet I'll assume that you do.
1-6 is weird... I dunno if that's "it" but assuming that is what you want it to be, then it works.
My heart is stoic-
then Line 8. AS is a bad word there. Not many people will see the relations between say BRISK and SIBERIAN or BRISK and WINTER. Or all three. I am a minimalist usually... you could probably cut out AS and winter and use some form of Brisk and Siberia next to each other. Would be fun. But that's a 'me move.'
Old dude said that's a weak line. It's not, it's a good image it's just overstated. It could be a good point.
I like the flow of...
Come closer/ feast of flesh/ of my raw wound/ may you/ fare better in love/ with pierced and bloody tongue.
I hope people are putting emphasis on the YOU. PLZ DO.
thanks aliar for taking the time to read and crit. not sure how I'd go about modifying the things you touched on. you've given me some things to think about though and I'm glad you seem to like the end lines. thanks again.
I read this because it was the top rated poem. It's most certainly deserving of it's position! I think it's perfect as is.
thanks for reading and positive words mtharp.
thanks for reading Odin.
I haven't read through all the comments, so perhaps someone has mentioned this before me. If that is the case then forgive me, but this reminds me of the Fiona Apple song "Not About Love."
"This is not about love
because I am not in love
In fact I can't...stop...falling...out"
Kinda the same perception of whether you are in love or not -regardless, I don't believe you. But you put up one hell of an argument.
might i wombly suggest that "feast on the flesh" is somewhat cliche. but only somewhat.
other than that, i enjoyed myself with your piece . . . immensley
thanks duffyj83 for reading and comments. have not heard the Fiona Apple song but will be sure to Youtube. I was thinking along the lines of not reciprocating love but still wishing that person well. Kind of like leading someone on then feeling bad about if that makes sense. hope so.
thanks SW. I believe I had something like 'feast of the flesh' there before. I suppose it's good to leave it be till something better comes to me. glad you like otherwise.
A cannibalistic medical examiner’s delight; I call it a bloody, terrible attempt at writing poetry.
thanks for reading unknown. I like your critique but I think it would've been better as:
'A cannibalistic medical examiner’s delight; I call it a bloody, terrible write.'
i really like this now that ive read it again...it kind of late in the game..but i see the art...great writing.
thanks brother_sun. glad you seem to like it.
love the lyrics
thanks much natasha. glad it works for you.
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Wishing L15's "bloody" was "bloodied"
JKWeb congrats darling.
I wish to wrap you in pleather and make you write dirty poetry. :)
thanks for the suggestion Words. if I change to 'bloodied', that might imply that the tongue is bloody from the piercing. my thought was/is of course, is that it's bloody from feasting. hmm...definately gave me something to think about and ponder. I appreciate your interest.
double thanks unknown(s).
though I still say the dictionary is wrong on that word!
Congradulations JKWeb!--I can't believe you let this one escape to the no.#1 Top Rating, without 'my' comment. You have quite an inventive skill at turning poetry into a surgical process & vice versa in this one.
thanks much Seditswing for reading and kudos.
Siberian winter to me is one of the coldest, most unhospitable places on the planet w.s. I had a different line there but the word combination of 8 seemed to be a better fit. koszonom.
i like it.
reminds me of plath in a way
Sylvia's my biggest influence. thanks Dieter.
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where are you, webster? i miss you.. . ..
I'm still around. been working on other things but still frequent PC. thanks much.