poetry critical

online poetry workshop



not in love with you
JKWeb

expose my torso,
 1
touch the pulse
 2
of my ulcer
 3
 
 
divide the skin,
 4
clip the ribs
 5
and remove the chest plate
 6
 
 
my heart is stoic,
 7
brisk as Siberian winter
 8
 
 
come closer,
 9
feast on the flesh
 10
of my raw wound-
 11
 
 
may you fare better in love
 12
with pierced and bloody tongue
 13

15 Oct 10

Rated 9.1 (8.5) by 16 users.
Active (16): 1, 4, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (17): 1, 1, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(156 more poems by this author)

(12 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

web.
wow!
whoa!
wacked!
wonderful write.

i read the last line as "pierced, with a bloody tongue"
 — mandolyn

yeah!
; )
 — fractalcore

hello mandolyn.  that last line gave me a migraine.  I see what you mean but shall leave as is for now until I see it differently with a new eye on a new day.  thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it overall.
 — JKWeb

thanks much fractalcore for reading and the one-word plaudit.
 — JKWeb

i am be liking this with quite a bit a like.
 — unknown

Truly excellent. Francis Bacon would have loved this poem which so eloquently expresses for me , the animal lurking in the soul of man
 — larrylark

me glad you likin it unknown.  i be appreciatin it.
 — JKWeb

not too familiar with Francis Bacon but will be sure to google.  thanks much for your time and thoughts larrylark.
 — JKWeb

Me knows not  francis ..me knows kevin... and I am certainly is LOVIN  JK!
lines 7-8 are the cherry on the cake for me, but then I like it dark.
 — unknown

**
 — unknown

many thanks unknown(s) for reading and comments.  I'm partial to the dark stuff too.
 — JKWeb

your weakest line is line 8.

i would remove 'of' from line 10.

other than that, perfect. nice title too.
 — raskolniikov

Wow!  This kicks BOOTY!  L8 is cliche, L10 COULD and MIGHT BE the same, but I'm leaning more toward "It's not cliche" than I am "It IS."  If you're gonna use "of" in L10, I might say "Have a taste of my raw wound," otherwise, it leaves a very weird clunk in da mix.  It needs a modifier or it needs be left out in my opinion.  Otherwise, the perfect black valentine.  All ya need NOW is da black candle 2 GO with da black sentiment(s).  I wouldn't wanna be on the receiving end of it!  :-)
 — starr

me neither
 — unknown

thanks for reading and great feedback raskolniikov and starr.  I made a few changes as per your suggestions.  better?  hope so.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

thank you for reading as well unknown.
 — JKWeb

NOW you're TALKIN'.  How 'bout (in L10) "feast on what seaps from my raw wound?" - or SUMPTHIN' like that.  I suggest this only where one wouldn't necessarily feast on a wound, so much as one would feast on what leaks, bleeds or drains from one (a wound.)  Hope this helps.  I still think it's kickass either way, JK.  :-)
 — starr

much better. :-)
 — raskolniikov

few more edits.


thanks poets.
 — JKWeb

I have enjoyed the reading of poem. JKWeb.
 — unholy

Whoo HOOO!  You go, boy!  MUCH better!  I mean, "betterer!"  Don't let the language bully you.  You tell IT what 2 do.  :-)
 — starr

thanks unholy.  I appreciate it.
 — JKWeb

thanks again starr for the extra set of eyes.
 — JKWeb

I too like it Dark, pitch ;) skills have you.
 — ghost

thank you very much ghost.  glad you dig the riffs.
 — JKWeb

really visual poem, j
feel like a surgeon, like a virgin?  hehe, sorry.
ok, um...stoic and brisk seem really odd here.  i don't think you had 'brisk' in the beginning, and Siberia was also added as an afterthought?  I don't know, i'm having a hard time with it fitting in with the first BRILLIANT 6 lines.

and omg if you say raw or flesh again i'm going to DIE.  ;)
i liked 'feast my wound'
but what wound?
you're opened up, forget wounds, feast on my carcass, my scars...

ok i know, i'm ranting.
lovely poem,  you know this.
i am quite partial to your 6 lines plus 12/13
thank you for tolerating me.
 — Estella

thanks for reading Estella but I must admit, I find your comments a bit cryptic.  I appreciate it anywhoo.
 — JKWeb

damn, was I really that out there, ok yes i was.

trying to be clearer, i would just omit line 8.  see how it just feels like a filler line, it doesn't feel the same as the rest of the poem, in my opinion.

i just don't think you need 'flesh' or 'raw'.  i would feast on someone's wounds, you can lick them, so you can feast on them too.

again, good poem and great to come back to,
lots to take in.  thanks :)
 — Estella

hello Estella,
thanks for re-visiting.  you might find why I changed those lines if you have time to read above comments.  now I'm attached.  I promise not to use raw or flesh if you promise not to use bones.
 — JKWeb

haha! oh james that was a good one.

deal. ;)
 — Estella

i seem to want to not say wound, eh? why?
how bout ouchy?  LoL
can i copy this and display it on my chest (ffridge)?
 — ghost

thanks for the return read ghost and making it a fave.
 — JKWeb

This is really nice, I liked the whole idea. Thanks for sharing, friend.
Regards
 — ayazwarith

sew gooed twooo read diss again,
JKWebster sir.

; )
 — fractalcore

thankx for reading and nice words ayazwarith.  glad you could connect.
 — JKWeb

thanks for having another look fractalcore.  'preciate it.
 — JKWeb

web, this is one my favorites by you.
the last line makes one sit back in their seat and sigh.

L1-8, strong and full of punch. :)
 — mandolyn

thanks again mandolyn.
 — JKWeb

it's kind of good.  and sad.
 — unknown

thanks unknown.  I'm glad you think good, kind of.
 — JKWeb

  * it's *
 — JKWeb

love feasting on raw wound
 — unknown

Fabulous.  That's all I have to say.
 — sybarite

thanks for reading unknown.
 — JKWeb

glad you think so sybarite.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

wow i love this, lines 7 & 8 are perfection!
 — AlexJose

thanx much AlexJose for reading and kudos.
 — JKWeb

"fare" better in L12.  This is intensely vulnerable and so perfectly written as far as masculine tenderness goes.  I'll go get the Band-Aids.  :-)
 — starr

thanks starr for the return visit and pointing-out the brain burp.  
 — JKWeb

this is wonderful.
Especially
'my heart is stoic,
brisk as Siberian winter'

Thanks for posting.
 — sisotowbel

thanks for reading sisotowbel.  glad you dig them lines.  
 — JKWeb

How in hell did I miss this one?  Fabulous as usual jk web!
 — PaulS

thanks much PaulS.   glad you seem to like it.
 — JKWeb

This is simply mind numbing,

You use imagery as a weapon!
 — Io

hello Io,
thanks for your interest and kudos.
 — JKWeb

Dark imagery, has a sadness to it, almost like someone who has given up on ever finding love/happiness (probably way off). Really enjoyed it. I'm with larrylark with Francis the Bacon painting comparison.
 — stan

thanks for reading and interest stan.  glad you enjoyed.
 — JKWeb

I dunno about all this. I mean it's good, but is it optimal?

This is what I'd say, if you care what I'd say, and since it's the internet I'll assume that you do.

1-6 is weird... I dunno if that's "it" but assuming that is what you want it to be, then it works.

My heart is stoic-

then Line 8. AS is a bad word there. Not many people will see the relations between say BRISK and SIBERIAN or BRISK and WINTER. Or all three. I am a minimalist usually... you could probably cut out AS and winter and use some form of Brisk and Siberia next to each other. Would be fun. But that's a 'me move.'

Old dude said that's a weak line. It's not, it's a good image it's just overstated. It could be a good point.

I like the flow of...

Come closer/ feast of flesh/ of my raw wound/ may you/ fare better in love/ with pierced and bloody tongue.  

I hope people are putting emphasis on the YOU. PLZ DO.

have fun.
 — aliar

thanks aliar for taking the time to read and crit.  not sure how I'd go about modifying the things you touched on.   you've given me some things to think about though and I'm glad you seem to like the end lines.  thanks again.
 — JKWeb

I read this because it was the top rated poem.  It's most certainly deserving of it's position!  I think it's perfect as is.
 — mtharp

thanks for reading and positive words mtharp.
 — JKWeb

wow
 — Odin

thanks for reading Odin.
 — JKWeb

I haven't read through all the comments, so perhaps someone has mentioned this before me. If that is the case then forgive me, but this reminds me of the Fiona Apple song "Not About Love."

"This is not about love
because I am not in love
In fact I can't...stop...falling...out"

Kinda the same perception of whether you are in love or not -regardless, I don't believe you. But you put up one hell of an argument.
 — duffyj83

nice!

might i wombly suggest that "feast on the flesh" is somewhat cliche. but only somewhat.

other than that, i enjoyed myself with your piece . . . immensley

STepney Womble
 — unknown

thanks duffyj83 for reading and comments.  have not heard the Fiona Apple song but will be sure to Youtube.   I was thinking along the lines of not reciprocating love but still wishing that person well.  Kind of like leading someone on then feeling bad about if that makes sense.  hope so.
 — JKWeb

thanks SW.  I believe I had something like 'feast of the flesh' there before.  I suppose it's good to leave it be till something better comes to me.  glad you like otherwise.
 — JKWeb

A cannibalistic medical examiner’s delight; I call it a bloody, terrible attempt at writing poetry.
 — unknown

thanks for reading unknown.  I like your critique but I think it would've been better as:

'A cannibalistic medical examiner’s delight; I call it a bloody, terrible write.'

sin
cerely,
 — JKWeb

i really like this now that ive read it again...it kind of late in the game..but i see the art...great writing.
 — brother_sun

thanks brother_sun.  glad you seem to like it.
 — JKWeb

love the lyrics
 — natasha8164

thanks much natasha.  glad it works for you.
 — JKWeb

   life insurance companies :))) li fe insurance quotes dig term life insurance rates 8O
 — unknown

Wishing L15's "bloody" was "bloodied"
 — WordsAndMe

JKWeb congrats darling.
 — unknown

I wish to wrap you in pleather and make you write dirty poetry. :)
 — unknown

thanks for the suggestion Words.  if I change to 'bloodied', that might imply that the tongue is bloody from the piercing.  my thought was/is of course, is that it's bloody from feasting.  hmm...definately gave me something to think about and ponder.  I appreciate your interest.
 — JKWeb

double thanks unknown(s).

-  -
\_/
 — JKWeb

* definitely

though I still say the dictionary is wrong on that word!
 — JKWeb

Congradulations JKWeb!--I can't believe you let this one escape to the no.#1 Top Rating, without 'my' comment. You have quite an inventive skill at turning poetry into a surgical process & vice versa in this one.
 — Seditswing

thanks much Seditswing for reading and kudos.
 — JKWeb

Siberian winter to me is one of the coldest,  most unhospitable places on the planet w.s.  I had a different line there but the word combination of 8 seemed to be a better fit.  koszonom.
 — JKWeb

grewsome!

i like it.

reminds me of plath in a way

Dieter
 — unknown

   Sylvia's my biggest influence.  thanks Dieter.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

where are you, webster? i miss you.. . ..
 — unknown

hello unknown,
I'm still around.  been working on other things but still frequent PC.  thanks much.
 — JKWeb

nice
 — unknown

glad you think so unknown.  thanks.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

I absolutely love S3. S1 is very fresh and sonic.
 — NicMichaels

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

thanks Nic.  appreciate your read and comments.
 — JKWeb

L13 - pierced, bloody tongue (for sonic's sake.)  Still LOVE this, JK!  :-)
 — starr

there's 'cowboy poetry' and 'clown poetry' -- probably beavis and butthead poetry too. then, there's so truth that it hoits poetry, where the author just says so realistically how he can't write at all because the pain is too great. then, there's cynical commercial grade poetry like this one, the kind some gothic wanna bee but too old would read at the blue moon back when in portland for little laughs from the drunk poetry puppets who ask for more. there's that kind of poetry and it works for whatever it works for.
 — cadmium

you're jealous of the attention this is getting, cadmium.

we can see it.
 — unknown

thanks for re-visiting starr man.  will have to ponder your suggestion.  I feel I need that extra beat there.
 — JKWeb

'jealous' -- now, what is there to be jealous of? clone poetry or the author? i mean, i write poetry.
 — cadmium

it's got to go down harder, more painful -- where the poem takes you out of ego and into nothing enough that you see what your lust and desire is about and kill that fukker, not the girl.
 — cadmium

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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 — crx

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