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Evening's End
larrylark

Forests if they could,
 1
would have shaded into silver
 2
among ferns burnished with gold.
 3
Half remembered slivers of moon light
 4
cast cold shadows,
 5
leaves glistened, as we stood
 6
listening, intent, in silence.
 7
The violence of departure  
 8
wrenched in the gut, shrouded by mist
 9
we crossed to the bridge
 10
through refrigerated air  
 11
beneath clattering branches.
 12
The distant hospital groaned
 13
under weight of the surgeons knife
 14
as life came and went
 15
on the throw of a dice.
 16
The dead weight of mulch
 17
muffled our steps
 18
as reckless thoughts
 19
bled through our heads
 20
 
 
Slurry thickened where dark sap wept.
 21
I could have lain down and slept forever
 22
against the ill kept wall
 23
shielding an overgrown garden,
 24
yet still hurried on.
 25
Distant conversations and barking dogs
 26
blazed in that other world.
 27
All over England
 28
the exhausted fumes of yesterday
 29
were turning grey.
 30
The dye of tomorrow’s dawn was cast
 31
as we walked on alone,
 32
tethered to that curse,
 33
our final moments together.
 34
I don’t remember her last word.
 35

18 Oct 10

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Comments:

It's funny i imagined this place somewhere in England even before you said so.  L5 is a bit awkward, i think. It feels like there is not enough syllabyls. L25 maybe an "I" or a "we" between yet and still? It confused me for a second. L8 on in the first stanza i really love "the violence of departure" its great.
~joy
 — justagirlx3

thanks for the constructive crit justagirl
 — larrylark

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