poetry critical

online poetry workshop



In the Distance, Tokyo
Empty

in the distance, Tokyo
 1
the hikikomori sleeps
 2
a jellyfish beneath his bed
 3
and shining
 4
so brightly
 5
the sound of oceans
 6
in freshwater tears
 7
humming semplice —
 8
as the impossible
 9
appears
 10
 
 
ghosts in a forest sea
 11
prokaryotic fission, keeps
 12
young medusas alive
 13
and shining
 14
so brightly
 15
but for no one
 16
like dead chrysanthemums
 17
on a floating river
 18
they swim alone —
 19
pointing their fingers
 20
    every
 21
         which
 22
              way
 23

          



    - for Japan's hikikomori

27 Oct 10

Rated 10 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (37): 1, 1, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(44 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

likes * - line 15


Enjoyed this word sampler of the thought you have created here. I love Tokyo, and though you keep it at a distance you bring some thoughts of the idea of it in this piece.
 — jharrison

beautiful.
lovely imagery.
as always.

i love your endings as of late.

:)
 — mandolyn

this be fine poetry.  do you need line 11?  I kind of like how lines 9-10 might flow into 12.  nevertheless, nice write.
 — JKWeb

if you can be alone in a crowd, then Tokyo's the place to do it.
 — unknown

Wonderful and creative.  
Sound imagery and interesting word choices that work well within the structure and subject.  
I'm with JKWeb with regard to L11.
 — sybarite

weird
 — unknown

I'd lose the "every which way" and end on "our fingers pointing" otherwise enjoyed the poem.
 — unknown

if you going to be alone in a crowd, i suppose japan is the place to do it.
 — unknown

Thanks for taking the time to read, and I think you're both right about line 11.
 — Empty

~ Enjoyed this a lot, jellyfish symbolizes...?
 — unknown

Mesmerizing.
 — unknown

Although the images are disjointed to my ossified brain - together they make for an interesting piece and mood which I enjoyed like a pointillist creation. Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

Well i was in Singapore the other day and i had the same feeling but you put them in real words, wonderful, thanks,hulda
 — Hulda

You have a nice way with imagery. Thanks.
 — lalita

some kind of wonderful. thanks.
 — unknown

really enjoyed this: the sounds and rhythm are especially nice when read aloud.
 — uncjaf

:D
 — unknown

Fantastical imagery. I would love to visit that city but know i never shall

Larry voyager through his head Lark
 — larrylark

quite a beautiful little piece.  
 — unknown

i like hikikomori, but i think you push too far with semplice, prokaryotic.  also, i am in the minority i know, but i think medusa is a word that is deeply overplayed in poetry.  the final image is very lovely.  thanks for sharing it.
 — okalready

jellyfish are medusas.
 — unknown

medusas are StonE COld CraZy.
 — unknown

The Japanese define hikikomori as people who refuse to leave their house, and isolate themselves from society in their homes for a period exceeding six months. While the degree of the phenomenon varies on an individual basis, in the most extreme cases, some people remain in isolation for years or even decades. Often hikikomori start out as school refusals, or futōkō (不登校) in rebellion against the strict demands of japan's seven day a week work mentality.

The word Hikikomori literally means "pulling away, being confined", i.e., ("acute social withdrawal") and is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who sometimes are noted as being extremely shy and have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various pressures within Japanese society, to conform to the dictates of one's ancestral traditions. Many artists fall into this group.
 — unknown

すべてのアーティストを殺す
 — unknown

i love the second half especially, but even more especially, lines 14-23. :)
 — unknown

No matter how hard you try to accomplish good art essay paper, because the famous writing services can do that much better. Thence, relax and buy free essays.
 — unknown

It is indeed a fine line on the wheel, but wondering why you went prokaryotic rather than Archaea?
 — unknown

I suppose that Archaea would be one step closer. Am I correct? I originally just had Binary fission, but Prokaryotic works too, and just sounds nice. But then again so does Archaea. Although, is the term Achaean fission used? I'm no biology expert, and when it comes to the reproduction of luminescent Jellyfish, I only want to show that they self reproduce - just as some lonely, stifled, artists end up doing.
 — Empty

that was hilarious, empty: nonetheless, an auto-erotic jellyfish would handle things well, though sHe'd hide behind the ink sHe spews... artists are often autogamous, especially when they're beyond faking-famous, as they're often disturbing meaning in a rhythmic pulsation, exciting to fluorescence a deeply subtext'd verse;
'but don't mistake their stinging strophe for arrogance.'

'that's just fierce presence,'
moved by waves of astonishment, cascading through a nervous and vascular system
spontaneously overflowed (   sea through    ) while reaching with an iridescent tentacle, they'll simply, elegantly, fluoresces a gleam in your eyes...

... and that'd be the urge-to-merge translated into your brain-on-music
 — AlchemiA

HI Empty, prokaryotic works.. i think you will find the audience not minding a bit, inthis case the workings of the nature of the words seem to be in your idea.
nice writing, i was just curious, i see what you were trying to convey. I like.
 — unknown

speaking of memes 'n movies, this Octopus has legs...

MONSTERS -- Gareth Edwards quirky vision of Lovers in a Dangerous Time

http://www.i mdb.com/title/tt1470827/?ref=nf

yabber-walky -- that's when you walk the talk, anyways, when you get a chance, you should watch this movie: Gareth Edwards, MONSTERS, "Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched... to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life form began to appear and half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain "the creatures"... Our story begins when a US journalist agrees to escort a shaken tourist through the infected zone in Mexico to the safety of the US border."

I found the movie adorable and crosses genre-roles with sentimental-elegance. The storyline, the conflicted friends/would be/could be/ all'round American boy meets American Girl in the infected zone where they find out what Intelligence an alien life form really is, albeit they're MONSTERS and so they're merciless hunters for frequencies like TV or car lights and if you happen to be in the way of their 'feeding', well you're not bothering them, but they may walk all over you; did I not say that they're bigger than a house, maybe even a Barn.

The somewhat campy metaphoric vision that Gareth Edwards translates into a winning story of post 911, post apocalyptic, Lovers in a Dangerous Time, is an Ingenious view of the borderlands, the red-zone where the bodies are. Gareth uses a crafty-intellect with brilliant photography and mesmerEyes'd CGI and puppetry to stylEyes and tell the tragic-tale naturally. Sets are huge and backdrops this sweet story of a reticent couples hazardous hero-journey with Monsters in Love, and she becomes one of his many quests, with gosh-darn almost kisses.

nonetheless, the best movie to come out of America since 911 messed with their hearts and heads; this is the American metaphor for change, for comprehending that Monsters have an urge to merge and need the space to do it...
 — AlchemiA

reading the link AlchemiA.
 — Empty

    Very pleasant to the eye and senses even with the new words unknown till now in another tongue... this jargon is hypnotic well written with simple thoughts coming out on the paper...
 — gblade

this is the best poem i've read in awhile. the words flow so nicely together. great imagery.
 — dismantleme

love line 11
and arcaeic fission ;)  
fissures.
 — ghost

Seems sorta confusing in a way
 — unknown

i'm tired of seeing this on top rated
 — unknown

So beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ul!
I want a peanut butter and jelly(fish) sandwich now!  :-)
 — starr

Ala! Peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches!
 — unknown

I took a piss in Tokyo once, and it was more beautiful than this
 — bbmikebauer

There is not another easy way to reach excellent mark than to accomplish the essay but this is, besides, reasonable to purchase the europe essays from the cheap essay writing service.
 — unknown

+
 — unknown

Empty, you must be a very special person to write this. As a fellow struggler when it comes to writing, I've tried to sensitize myself to what I like about poetry. I'm always trying, it never seems to end.

Your thread is what I like about poetry.

Your poem is written from the heart. Oh, how I wish I could capture the sincerity in the same way you have, the love, but in truth I would have to be young again, and that is so far away it's dream-like.

On a technical level we both have much to learn, but on a sensitive level we are there already. Somehow though, we need to pass this on to other readers. We have to learn to trust them, and give them some room to grow inside the poem. We both must learn their language. I'm still trying too.

As a poem, your's is still at the start of its journey, but don't worry, I've never managed to write one good finished poem yet.

If I could offer some fellow struggler's advice, just give them signposts to where you really want them to go as a reader, then let them stand on their own two feet. Food for thought I hope. May not be how you see it of course, but it's my workshop response to your lovely thoughts. Thanks for letting me read your work. Keep the magic.

Good luck poet warrior.
Sincere best wishes

Jack Neilson
 — unknown

^ I just read this, copied and pasted on another poem. What are you selling?
 — Empty

you topia
 — unknown

I realize that lots of high school students want to have vacations, nevertheless, my purpose is to achieve high career success. So, I will have to buy paper services uk. My friends told me that it is good!
 — unknown

I keep returning to this incredible poem .. excellent.
 — jharrison

still love this empty
 — unknown

perfect
 — unknown

Such a luscious lyric in all of its disconnectedness, which makes it all the MORE connected as it affords the reader an opportunity to interpret it "every which way."  :-)
 — starr

Just realized that I already reviewed this, but hey...what's another read for such an awesome piece of writing?  Thank you!  I still love it!  :-)
 — starr

Will have to add this incredible poem to my faves, once more. It's perfection in verse, for me.
 — jenn

still gorgeous poetry
 — jenn

this is beautiful,

in line seven "freshwater tears" kind of struck me as cliche.
also the last line "every which way" .. I'm not sure I'm on board with it trailing away. shaped poems always make me suspicious. Plus it caused me to read it slow and staccato which, maybe you want. but I don't think that would match the flowy nature of the rest of the lovely poem.

great poem,
heidi
 — heidikmck

hikikomori?
 — unknown

It seems as though this poem requires me to make a lot of different connections, in order to understand it.

It sounds lovely. That's fine.

I did a search on hikikomori and expected the poem to perhaps reveal more to me, once I had an idea 'for' whom the poem was writ. Alas, as stated before, I don't have enough prior knowledge on how the various elements should/are relate(d) and connect(ed) with one another.

This rendered the piece, to me, as sounding nice, but being virtually meaningless.
 — jArE_hAwK

^ You have a valid point. Was written more for the author than anyone else.
Watch the film 'Bright Future' to gain a better understanding, if you wish.
 — unknown

^ actually, i disagree he has a valid point. a little bit of learning makes this poem entirely comprehensible and full of meaning.

perhaps he didnt like learning something new.

he really REALLY does need to watch Bright Future, if only to get him out of his comfort zone and in to the real world of other people.
 — jenn

Lovely rhythm and flow here.  The reference to the movie and a quick search online and it all makes lovely sense.  :)  5-6 in particular appeal to me.
 — sybarite

<3 to  jenn and sybarite
 — unknown

hi
 — unknown

bright future
 — unknown

an actual poem. THANK YOU!
 — unknown

i had a dream about you last night. your sisters were there.
it was the end of the world. it was so bizarre. we kept trying to figure out how old we were. we finally came to the conclusion that i was 18 and you were 24. which is not right at all. lol.

i hope you are well.
 — mandolyn

The form of this poem matched with the repetition is extraordinary; don't even get me started on the innate simplicity and poignancy of the work. Every word was cleverly utilized, and every word within this meant something.
 — LauraMarie

bump
 — jenn

b
 — unknown

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shenyuhang20180606
 — unknown

http://www.avtopodarok.com.ua/index.php?go=text&mod_id=217
 — unknown

cai123  06.13
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