poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Queen of the Adriatic Sea

the minions
marveled at her—
lady of barbed halo
her blade gleamed
on that ghostly ship
of antiquity
the boot broke them,
spines unhinged—
bending backwards
to please
offered their lire
for nothing,
the queen blessed them
no sanctity
red copper drops
pooled on floorboards
as callous as the sea—
floating face-down to Italy

19 Nov 10

Rated 9 (8.1) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 3, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(152 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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way too poetic
 — unknown

ill second that. but heres a ten.
 — antipoetry

this is a spectacular write web.
L19 is funny.

do it again.
 — unknown

thanks unknown #1.  I'll try to be less poetic next time 'round.
 — JKWeb

many thanks you too antipoetry.  
 — JKWeb

hello unknown #2.  as you may have guessed, line 19 is vital to the write.  thankx.
 — JKWeb

web, you really are one of the best writers here.

- C -
 — unknown

- C -
thanks for reading.  that's quite the kudos.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

The C is really an M
 — unknown

The C is really a C-
 — unknown

hi JK of the Web - an acqua alta of a write - normally a device like line 19 would be a wtf turn-off but not in this rare case. A fine effort sirrah.  Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

thanks a bunch pdemitchell for taking the time to read and comment + fave.  I'm glad you dig it.
 — JKWeb

real good stuff
 — unknown

thank you very much unknown.  glad you think it's real good.
 — JKWeb

another fine write by Mr. JKWeb :)
 — PaulS

thanks much PaulS for reading, comment and fave.  I'm glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

omitted vital line 19.
 — JKWeb

Pity but still a 10
 — pdemitchell

thanks for the re-visit pdemitch.
 — JKWeb

Yes, poetry. pure and well writ.
I did not see the previous version, but have very much enjoyed reading this.
 — jharrison

actually jharrison, this is the version.  I had put a few dots (the aforementioned line 19) to add some space but reconsidered.  thanks and I'm glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

Ah ha! Thank you for posting this.. it's delicious poetry :)
 — jharrison

Web you are the Queen of the sea. At least round here.
 — unknown

greetings unknown,
I would have preferred if you'd said 'King' but much gratitude nonetheless.  lol.
 — JKWeb

confusing, but interesting
 — unknown

thanks unknown.  glad you found it interesting.  tried not to make it too cryptic.
 — JKWeb

im re-reading this web. i enjoy all your poems. they are strong and tender too. keep up the good work.
 — unknown

thanks unknown.  I truly appreciate the positive feedback.
 — JKWeb

ok, i king you. geez
 — ghost

great poem!  i love the way you ended this =-)
well done
 — jenakajoffer

ah, thanks ghost.  
 — JKWeb

hello jen-
actually, the end line used to be like the 3rd line.  I'm glad I moved it.  thanks for reading and I'm glad you seem to like it.
 — JKWeb

this looks great at the #1 spot by the way; must be something about the title =-)

love minions btw.
this style sort of reminds me of my poem vulcan, which kind of cool.
 — jenakajoffer

oh wow. cool. 'adriatic' is one of my fave words of all time. that and static cling. thanks. Funes
 — unknown

Glad to see this top spot Jk - despite the 1! mitch
 — pdemitchell

thanks Funes, I think.
 — JKWeb

I appreciate the return visit pdemitch.
 — JKWeb

You are mostly the reason I keep coming back to this shit hole.
 — unknown

thanks for the kudos unknown.  you're killing me
with kindness.  hope 2.0 is a better experience for you.
 — JKWeb

 — unknown

many thanks unknown for the accolades.  glad you dig it.
 — JKWeb

I like the last line...
 — aliar

pedobauer should be banned from this site
 — unknown

thanks all
 — JKWeb

"the" minions
"the" boot
"the" queen
i'm sorry, but is this part of some larger work? because these articles are suggesting a familiarity which is beyond me. that is a bit of a problem.

considering the title, i assume that L3 refers to a 'queen'? 'lady' is also a title, i suggest changing that word.

L4 is quite vague, the best i can conjure as an image is the blade being stuck out the prow of the ship? tough one, "gleaming" and "ghostly" juxtaposed in this manner.

11-14 is to abstract to relate to, for me. "their", and "them", if relating back to "the minions", is a bit sloppy, as 4-6 get in the way of the pattern also of 7-10.

15-16 is a nice image, but 17 really does nothing on its own.
"as callous as the sea" would be fine, if "callous" were a common way of describing the sea, but i kind of think it's not. therefore, more information needs to be given, or else the poem is just saying things that i have no way of understanding, relating to
 — unknown

Maybe it's poorly written.
 — unknown

If people are going to fly their precious top-rated flag on rheir crap, then they should be prepared to hear what doesn't 'work' in their crap. 'Workable' written? The articles need 'working'.
 — unknown

hey unknown,
I'm surprised that you are befuddled by this.  I don't believe it's too cryptic.

gratitude to you for "getting it".
 — JKWeb

 — unknown

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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