poetry critical

online poetry workshop



obviously difficult
KAE12

Its so obviously dificult
 1
To the point where desire is
 2
disengaged from the medium it survives upon.
 3
My pengilium mind
 4
Swiftly deciphering the difference between life and love.
 5
A catalyst for calamity created by the creamation of prior hearts.
 6
 
 
And prior pasts put a pause on future plans with out proper judgement.
 7
 
 
If we're to be judged by our mistakes, mistake me for a saint. Because baby, you're everything you subconsciously portrayed; its so obvious, its difficult.
 8

23 Nov 10

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 1, 6, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

purty good. would end on portrayed. if it were mine which of course tis snot. thanks.
 — unknown

Thank you, I appreciate all feedback!
 — KAE12

essay-blog writing for people who don't want to have to follow essay clause-paragraph rules. very healthy, if you don't want to have to really say anything but a complaint and know that that'd just be graded down in comp 1. makes it hard to know what to do with something like this, but then you find p.c.
 — bmikebauer

Bmik- I don't even know what you're saying. Are you saying the internet age has allowed ppl to post random stuff anywhere and anyway they want with no sense of titlement or care? Basically that this sucks? If so, fair enough.

Maybe you can check out some of my older stuff. I would appreciate it. Thanks
 — KAE12

Hi Kae - Sorry, but to me, it reads like a series of stacked and slightly disjointed statements. As for presentation, I would split line 3 after medium then add a blank line. Why did you pick pengilium over pendulum - for the sonics or the novelty? How can an oscillation-noodle decipher anything by definition if it's swingin' this way and that - surely it would swing between life and love? The following lines could also be split and re-worked a little - can you explain the reasoning behind why the super-long line 8 and the redundant repetition at the end? I tried to get into it but I couldn't - apologies... Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

no, kae, people have always doodled with words. but, there's no pattern of poetricking in this, and it just unravels before it's even finished as a knit head-warmer. saying stuff is noble -- what you say has to be true, just because it's your truth and you feel it. but, feelings have no content, and with a slight shift you might have been writing about your camry not starting this morning. line six seems to have stopped you cold, like it was too brilliant and finished the thought.

thoughts are mind-flashes and un-connected with reality. reality is actually your writing this poem, not what you thought or felt -- the only way we can know you is through your writing, and if you simply drop brilliant insights, you're ghosting: we can't be sure you're real.
 — bmikebauer

Difficult, line 1

This doesn't read like a poem to me.  You aren't telling the reader anything about what's difficult, what the situation is, only a little action.

Spelling does count.  Cremation, not creamation.  Without, not with out.

Not doing much for me, the lines are too 'important' but seem to say little, not an authentic voice.  
 — Isabelle5

what if the author wanted to say that the hearts were emulsified and burnt at the same time?

spelling is true only to the poem. your dictionary idea of what spelling is is a novel writers way. why are you commenting in a poetry workshop?
 — bmikebauer

So wii kn mangl spling inevry pme bks murke says iiiiiits peeotreery - praaat
 — unknown

in a poem space, spelling is plastic. but, in a comments space, you have an opinion and it has to push buttons people already have on their vest.
 — bmikebauer

fine to me however needs editing & refinement
 — unknown

you spelled difficult wrong in L1
 — unknown

check out CK Williams' collection called "flesh and blood"
 — unknown

I haven't received a comment in a while, just trying to see if anyone has anything to say. I appreciate the feedback!
 — KAE12

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 — unknown

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