poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Your hip bones are like razors and I need a shave
jpmhawk

When you shuffle by, pause to wiggle your ass,
 1
and continue into the kitchen
 2
for another Amstel Light,
 3
I feel like a Colombian drug lord.
 4
I sit back, shirt undone and open,
 5
my arms like powerful wings
 6
spread atop the high back of the couch
 7
and listen to a left-handed black man's
 8
guitar solo crackling through the speakers.
 9
Oh yes, I'm Pablo Escobar alright;
 10
all linen and mustache, puffing
 11
on a fat Cuban, waiting for my woman
 12
to come back and twirl, flicking foam
 13
from the top of a longneck.  And that smile.
 14
It's not the secrets you know that I'm worried about.
 15
It's not the combination to the lockbox
 16
singed into your hippocampus or even
 17
having witnessed my vulnerability on a hospital bed
 18
that scares me.  But you know how to ruin me.
 19
You know where I keep my favorite pants.
 20

30 Nov 10

Rated 7.3 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 4, 8, 8, 10
Inactive (30): 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 4, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(84 more poems by this author)

(13 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

lol great!
 — unknown

Best thing I've read for a long time here.
Your poet soul is shining bright.
Change nada.
 — Abracadabra

I feel like that same pablo reading this triumph. Bravo. No nits here. Resonating.
 — PaleHorse

Pure bliss.
The title is attractive, and the poem has sharp edges.
12-15 *
and 19-20, brilliant.
 — unknown

Thanks a bundle gang for reading and sharing... I appreciate the nice words... happy poeming one and all!
 — jpmhawk

Love, love this!  "all linen and mustache" is a jewel.
Really well done and an excellent snapshot of the male psyche in this situation.

One nit, I'd move the "but" from L19 and put it at the beginning of L20.
 — sybarite

P.S.--Great title.
 — sybarite

you see, this is why i like
 — ghost

yes indeed quite the treat
 — unknown

..and you're in trouble Mister!  I'm on hiatus from men and this made me want one on my couch--damnit!
 — sybarite

sybarite, send me your address, and I'm on my way over!
 — jpmhawk

oh gawd, love this too. you hit it right, smack in the ass, dude. |1-20 are my faves. lol

but 'having witnessed my vulnerability on a hospital bed' is a bomb im too scared it was true
 — unknown

ghost.. you have the most eerie, beautiful, loin tingling profiles pictures!
 — jpmhawk

Where are your loin tingling loin pictures?
 — unknown

Only if you promise to lounge on my couch all linen and mustache like and smack my ass when I walk by!
 — sybarite

Whoa!
 — unknown

syb... wouldn't want it any other way!  You realize that's just the appetizer though.
 — jpmhawk

I am on a hiatus from men.
I am on a hiatus from men.
I am on a hiatus from men.
I am on a hiatus from men.
I am on a hiatus from men.
I am on a hiatus from men.
 — sybarite

can't blame a guy for trying
 — jpmhawk

Try?--You succeeded!

That was for me!
 — sybarite

latino portrayals sound too kewl.

this, i really would have wanted to make a twist but it comes too strong. bullseye!
 — unknown

It;s gettin hot in har
 — unknown

Isabelle is going to love this.  
God bless men--I adore you all!
 — sybarite

some incredibly great moves in here. 4,5,11,12, woohoo.

15, 17, 18.

i might cut out the brand name on the beer, and the details of the music, they take away from the latin groove you are in, distract without adding anything, and make the poem busier than it needs to be.

poem's got soul, humor, vulnerability, a great beat. very sexy.

love it.
 — unknown

woops - meant to sign on that, not logged in - nicmichaels
 — unknown

nicmic-- thanks for the read and thoughtful crits... I smell what you're standing in as far as the music reference and brand name... I'll sit down with this some more tomorrow when I have more time (meaning when I'm sober)... ever considering editing a manuscript?  You definitely have the eyes, ears, heart, stomach for it.  Thanks again.
 — jpmhawk

*
 — Empty

senor, esta bien. me gusta tu escribir.
 — unknown

It’s really cheap to find the dissertation service take the very smart ideas like this good topic and use it in thesis writing. And the essay writing service want to thanks you for this!
 — unknown

Pretty damn good stuff
 — Sequiturist

Get yourself some ney pants and get over her, use her hip bones to shave youeself.
 — Hulda

This held me captive until the last line, then you lost me.  It doesn't seem to fit!  I love the rest of this, the drug lord impression and the way you describe what that would be to you.  But pants?  Seriously??  There must be something else that would end this on that 'bad boy' note but pants doesn't do it for me.
 — Isabelle5

I'm with Syb, I love men, too!   I can see you spreading your 'powerful wings' over the back of the couch (nice chest, at least in my imagination and thanks for not having too much hair poking out of your shirt!).  I had to read again to realize you are sucking on the cuban, not that you are necessarily cuban.  

You could end this at line 19, though.  I really feel as if line 20 cheapens the rest but what is everyone else seeing that I'm not?
 — Isabelle5

Forgot to say I think the title is perfect.
 — Isabelle5

I like L20--think it anchors this in reality--shows us the author is fantasizing and not delusional--LOL.
 — sybarite

syb... I'm definitely fantasizing now!!!  Oh yeah, you're off men... still fantasizing
 — jpmhawk

Bad boys are so yummy...
 — sybarite

Well, maybe it would work better with booze or something.  Are they his pants, her pants?  Or maybe pants should be parts?  Or maybe where to hide my pants?  Something else!

Off men?  Syb?  Not likely and it's something I'll never be, either!  I think Men are the best creatures on the planet!  Many are little more than slugs, I have learned, but those who are all man...yummy!
 — Isabelle5

Give me the man who knows what he wants, that is the man for me!

side note: maybe Hawk could explain the pants thing?
 — unknown

those closest to you, truly loved ones, have the intimate knowledge of even the seemingly insignificant moments, tendencies, habits, comforts and fashion... all the things that make us feel safe
 — jpmhawk

I see, I also have cozy clothes, things I wear when I don't feel well.  Yes, that is very intimate knowledge/power!  But still, can't it be where I hide my favorite pants, not where to find?  

I've already favorited it, that change won't change my feeling about the poem, just that I can't grip the ending!  I really love the way you wait, 'waiting for my woman to come back and twirl."  
 — Isabelle5

you may be right Isabelle... I'll have to come back to it... just pumped it out yesterday... sometimes if you leave a poem for a little bit, it helps... fresher perspective and all that jazz... thank you again for more making me say Hmmmmmmm
 — jpmhawk

Hawk, how old is you?
 — unknown

after you guess, I promise I'll tell you
 — jpmhawk

OK,  between 20-100
 — unknown

you're no fun.... I'm 36
 — jpmhawk

36? why no profile pic?
 — unknown

"you're no fun

unfounded
 — unknown

never thought about it... perhaps... how about you?  what's your story?
 — jpmhawk

you always answer a question with a ?
 — unknown

LOL. fun shit. would be even funner if the author were actually ethan hawk. oh ooh la la. light bulbs for nuts. please screw me like an albino colombiano in a duffus mammeluko. Chah chah chorizo chim chim cherry.
 — unknown

Ethan Hawke? aaa well... oK
 — unknown

Hawk, you should post a photo.
 — unknown

Why?  I don't even know who I'm chatting with.
 — jpmhawk

there you go again with the questions. if you put a picture up we can see how
your wings fit our sofa!!!
 — unknown

Very nicely spiced read. Thanks.
 — lalita

This gets resounding applause from me!  Man, you sure do have a way with words.  Great write.
 — PaulS

I'm still swooning....
 — sybarite

Still waiting for the photo, loverboy
 — unknown

Come on why no photo hawk? Just put a fake one up to satisfy.
 — unknown

L    O     L
 — unknown

powerful swagger at the beginning, humbling turn at the end.
 — mould_jesus

Thank God - something tidy with no bauer-vomit in the comments - plenty of pheremones tho'
 — unknown

Yup.  Sexy, sexy write.
 — sybarite

Perfect. Great title too.
 — rocket

I like the specificity of the language in this poem and the flow, especially lines 7-9.  For some reason the ending pulls me out of the poem and doesn't feel right--like it's supposed to be catchy or humorous and I'm missing it.  Lines 16-19 are beautiful, though.
 — judithavory

This is so wonderful!!
 — bookish

This poem still makes me hot.
 — sybarite

^ TMI lol
 — unknown

...lol...sorry
 — sybarite

..Adorno, et al. (1950) viewed the authoritarian personality as having a strict superego that controls a weak ego unable to cope with strong id impulses. The resulting intrapsychic conflicts cause personal insecurities, resulting in that person’s superego to adhere to externally imposed conventional norms (conventionalism), and to the authorities who impose these norms (authoritarian submission).

probably, the use of rad words in this as hammers just fills the page with banging. if you find a sense of rhythm, you'll maybe do more than free-running mini-blogs. in fact, maybe you could man up and go write blogs somewhere and come back when you don't need to re-write the book of mormon.
 — cadmium

"Say ahlo to my lit'all frien".  Good shit man.
 — lateninepoet

Short and sweet, the kind of stuff I like..... reminds me of the life I used to live!!! :-)
 — handfulodust

Sweetness!
 — unknown

It ended up at a higher price of osrs goldabout 300000 francs than the replica highest price, and it could be osrs gold said that collectors had a near craziness for cheap osrs gold the di.
 — unknown

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