|Lake of Bones
all that remains,
delicate red turning black
in sun-crusted spires
I offer sorrow
to the dead
and in the lake,
invoke your kind
made to scare flesh from bone
to seek your grave-site
in front of your headstone,
I water your grave amniotic
hoping you find
a new womb
10 Dec 10
Rated 9.5 (9.3) by 8 users.
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Inactive (12): 4, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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i love your poetry.
many thanks M for reading and kudos. glad you dig it.
this is a good dry fucking.
thanks unknown for reading and the cryptic comment.
Dark enough to enjoy, and some very nice word play showing just how much you enjoyed using and placing these words in this piece.
A good poem.
Sometimes one (the poet you) should consider taking the shorter route when it is clear that the piece sets out to complete (implied competition) a deletion of sorts. This poem is cumbersome in its logistics and overcome by statistical sabbaticals. finally, 'infinitesimal' should take the plural. why? well. think about it. think real long and hard. come come. all yee faithfool.
thanks jharrison for reading and feedback. gratitude.
thanks much unknown for reading and insight. 'infinitesimal' is what came to mind when writing. I changed to 'evermore'. better? will have to give the rest s'more thought though.
few more edits.
wow, a spam bump.
Well I see we've gone from essay-bot to hooker/bathroom/fashion-bot!
Dark and interesting poem..not sure I "get" it but it certainly has an appeal. Love 7-8 and 16 in particular.
I was hoping this wouldn't be too out there. it's about someone losing a loved one and wanting to bring them back to life hence -watering their grave with amniotic fluid-. thanks for reading and comments.
wow. creepy yet I can see how one may cope with such a loss. great poem.
gratias for reading and kudos unknown.
Hello JKWeb--it's probably just me, I'm too literal. I had thought it might be about terminating a pregnancy with the amniotic reference. I was "somewhat" close. Tis a good write, the title is lovely and haunting.
I can see why you might have thought that.
thanks for the return visit.
I love this...really good write..love sun crusted spires and new womb and lipless teeth..really good images and well put together..
many thanks brother_sun for the positive words and faving.
Yes, it's the imagery that drives this, gives it life. a fine write indeed.
It reminds me of the character Jack from Burton, 9- 11 oh la la i like, hulda
with characteristic authority, you write well on a dark subject. coming by in honest.
thank you for the sub.
i might strike evermore unless you feel you need to reference poe, which i don't see here, changes a beat, could drop I before invoke.
cut made in L11, u don't need it.
brilliant finish with a new use of amniotic. well done.
this is like Lord of the Rings meets the modern war scene, if i understand the context.
glad you like the imagery PaulS. thanks for reading, comments and faving.
thank you too Hulda. Jack Burton? is that a reference to "Big Trouble in Little China"? :)
thanks for reading and insight NicMichaels. as you can see, I did rid 8 of 'I'. still battling line 6. I had 'infinitesinal' there because I always wanted to use that word in a poem but another poet reminded me that it didn't work there. will ponder that s'more. I kind of like 'made' in 11 as I was trying emphasize the 'teeth' part but I'll give that s'more thought as well. thanks again, I'm glad you seem to like it overall.
happy christian day to one of my favorites!
thanks ghost for having a look and making this a fave.
Very good one! I agree with NicMichaels on the "evermore" and the "made". I'd also drop the "I" in L16; possibly change "in front of (L15) to "by". Either way, excellent.
thank you Caliana. I'm still coming back to this on occasion contemplating changes but am still battling those lines in my head. glad you like it overall tho'.
i really liked this poem,
you made it so eerily visual.
thought you might need hyphens for 'sun-crusted'
and 'grave-site', just seems to read smoother the way the hyphens pull them together.
i can't get over the last stanza, man that's so good.
many thanks jen. hyphens added. I appreciate the positive feedback and suggestion(s).
gorgeous. the image developed in 9-11 is like a mirror.
I'm wondering about l4. Is sorrow what is offered or possibly something else? It needn't even be an abstract notion. (simply an early morning thought). Thank you for posting, JK.
thanks lysandre for your interest. l4, I think I know what you mean but like 'offer sorrow' in that that's all you can do is grieve in those situations. make sense? hope so. thanks again.
of course it makes sense. it is your poem. I simply felt that something greater than sorrow was offered. Does that make sense?
congrats on a fine poem, j
just reading again, should you break 'black' and 'in'
for L3? it's a little bit tongue fumbling as i read it.
just a thought.
ps. nice hyphenage
thanks jen for coming back. do you mean something like this?
Goodness, what a flash in the dark! I love 9-11 and 16-18 most but they're all very buttery and gripping. The image I'm left with is a hopeful apocalypse, and it's warm for some reason. Thank you for sharing, I connected here.
oh woof. this is LOVELY.
many thanks Known and peace for checking this out and comments. It's one of the few writes where I started with the title.
many thanks jK
jk your poem is lovely, thankyou ever so much for the read
singular thanks ghost. glad you could make another appearance :J
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment PollyReg.
glad you dig it nationscheer. thanks.
Did you ever consider this could be made into a sceenplay for a movie?? Yes, I can see it all now,
L'Lake of Bones" starring: Robert Downy Jr. as lipless teeth man, co-starring Uma Thurman as
Miss Bones. Also starring the cast of glee as gay zombies. ? Well? what do you think?
good idea unknown! I'll submit it to Spielberg giving you full credit of course.
Can I just have the money ;) ?
we'll split it and try to opt for a part II.
thanks Empty for your symbol visit.
I love the title and the allusion to rebirth. I never quite looked at a cemetery as a dry bed of bones but it is if you think about it. Your title is very compelling.
I especially liked the amniotic image.
thank you very much Io for reading and feedback. glad you seem to dig it.
I love this! It's so rooted in sadness, but radiates such beauty at the same time. :-)
thank you much starr. glad you could connect.
hi. oh nice. i had to google genuflect cause i was sure i knew what it meant. not sure it promotes the jump from ln. 14. to 15 and 16 (specially the amniotic watering) well enough? could just be my read being off from 14 down. at any rate, nice and thank you muchly. F
thanks F. for reading and in-depth comment and crit. I think I see what you mean but not sure how I'd go about making it smoother. However, I will look at those lines from time to time and maybe something will come to me like an epiphany. thanks again.
I like this poem.
still one of my favorites of yours.
thanks for re-visting mandolyn.