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I Highly Doubt Bears Ever Hang Themselves
PictursRhung

And when we die we’ll blame apathy for nothingness is uselessness and laziness is sin.
 1
And perhaps we’re wrong, maybe there were no rules to our life
 2
And we just lost the meaning in all our time spent occupied.
 3
From ball game to dance recital we lost our discovery channel naturality
 4
Do you think bears fear death?
 5
I doubt it
 6
And they slept all winter
 7
But you were too busy
 8
with shoveling the work load from your walk way
 9
in preparation of moving on to new things
 10
Today the first crystal climbed its way out of the sky
 11
This one’s for happiness
 12
Goodnight, I’ll meet you in the spring.
 13

10 Apr 04

Rated 8.3 (7.2) by 13 users.
Active (13): 6, 7, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (63): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

line 1 -- It took me a minute to realize you're using 'for' as 'because' it works, but it's a bit confusing because 'blaming apathy for nothingness,' is a strong phrase.  I know it might be a little trite, but I like the consonance of the 'ness' sound here.

lines 2 & 3 -- I think you have a good idea here, but I think you could reword it to make it better.  It doesn't read correctly for me.  Also--punctuation.

lines 6 - 8 -- I like this; it's simple but powerful.

line 9 -- I think you have a great use of alliteration and assonance.

line 10 -- I don't like this line; it's superfluous and not really necessary.

line 11 -- I love the image of a crystal climbing.  Nice use of alliteration and personification.

lines 12 & 13 -- I like your ending because it's unexpected, but I had to go back and remember what "one" you were talking about.  But I love the idea that the writer is going to be a bear for winter--'Goodnight, I'll meet you in the spring."  I love it.

Overall, I like this poem a lot.  I think that you could add some more figurative language into it to improve.  I think you could also add some strong images.  Describe the physicality of the bears or of the humans in the poem.  Give the reader some solid images that he or she can relate to.  Nicely done.
-Taylor
 — TaylorC

i like this poem a lot
 — davezatch

Yes Bob describe people and bears because we dont all know what they look like or how they act. Use descriptive words for bears such as furry and brown. As for the people paint a picture of what they look like. Use words like Racaily inferior and tall. Make sure you change all of that stuff or your poem will suck. I like it anyway. Since when are you so damn optomisitic and thoughtful? Im worried about you kid. NGS helped you to much. Props by the way.
 — InMyBlood

dang!  this very literally got better with every line.
by the time i hit 9 it was really something!
and then, 11... a turn as pretty and delicate as the line itself.
excellent. so nice to run into this.
 — gnormal

Perhaps to clarify the first line, you could put a comma after 'apathy'. But maybe you want the double meaning left in by leaving the comma out.

Apart from that, I loved this poem so much. It instils such an overwhelming emotion in me, and I respect someone who can do that in 13 lines.
 — thesilencing

right. i've always said we should sleep through winter (-;
 — llama

the title and the first line... mmm genius
 — holy

Nice! I liked the edgy quality brought about with some excellent lines
line 4 in particular. The imagry in line 11 was well done.
I would imagine you struggled with the ending.
 — Ayedorite

line 1 was kind of.. Smashing Pumpkins-esque... but still a grrrrreat poem. i <3 u!
 — omega

Beautiful and meaningful.  No criticism to give.  This is good poetry.
Akiikii
 — unknown

I won't sully this by saying anything other than "yes!!!"
 — jak

i really like this one. the title is quirky, but it definitely helps to make this piece what it is.
something in the first line caught me off guard. i think it was that there is no comma after apathy, and i took for wrongly[not as because, like it's written.]
if you're using that for the double meaning, then that's fine, but if you're not, i suggest adding a comma.

a very enjoyable read, to say the least. i'd like to see a bit more poetry like this.
 — shakeit

i don tget this but i absolutly loved reading it.
beautiful words in good rhythem. minor suggestion to the format? personly i would chage the beginigng to this.

When we die
we’ll blame apathy
for nothingness
is uselessness a
nd laziness
is sin.  
And perhaps we’re wrong,
maybe there were no rules to our life
we just lost the meaning in all our time spent occupied.

Good work,
love love
 — Romanspring

To be considered
 — Ara

I'm curious as to whether the author is really looking for comments? I scanned the list and I don't see that they've responded to anyone's request... if they really are interested in feedback I'd be happy to give it, but with over 100 poems currently posted without a single comment and another 300 poems with only one comment, well, that's quite a few poems out there without any criticism.
 — Greg

This is easily one of the best poems here- definately a favourite...
 — silly

line 1 - I don't like the way you've started the line with "and."  I also think that "for" might be substituted for because, or at least throw in a comma there.  

line 2 - It might improve your clarity by changing were to "are."  As otherwise your verb tenses are a little skewed.

line 3 - "naturality" is such an obscure derivative of "nature," and it really makes your poem sound corny.  I'd say ditch it.

line 6 - You asked a rhetorical question in the previous line.  It seems unnecessary to answer it.

line 8 - 10 - Ahh... yes... I love that observation.

line 11 - The imagery of the crystal is very well done

line 12 - 13 - Nice ending.

I liked this, it seems more a like a rough copy to a poem of potential greatness though.  Keep working on it.
 — Resonanz

i wouldn't start this out with and.
 — sassybnyss

THIS IS GODDAMNED BRILLIANT.......THIS SHOULD BE NUMBERO UNO
BEARS HANGING THEMSELVES- VERY UNLIKELY-..... YET POSSIBLE.
AND SPRINGTIME IS A GREAT SEASON
 — shakes

"AND" IS AN EXCELENT WAY TO START!!! SEE LAWRENCE FERLENGETTIS "HISTORY OF THE AIRPLANE" AND THEN SHUTTUP YA FACE
 — shakes

I would suggest re-thinking the "And" at the beginning of your lines.
Also... your first line seems a little verbose.
Perhaps you could shorten that w/o doing much damage.
Maybe you could break it into two lines?
Overall, this poem is really original and I enjoyed reading it.
 — aforbing

i love this!
 — ElegantWaste

"we've" instead of "we" in both l3 and l4, I think.
I read this a while back, but didn't like it.
I do now. Maybe I've grown. Or maybe not.
The last three lines are heart breakingly beautiful.
 — wendz

ONLY 1 THING I'D CHANGE...put a comma in after "apathy", or change "for" with "because"...it might dampen it a little, but without reading it more than once, the first line seems a bit disjointed.
Otherwise, its a masterpiece.
 — shakes

>jaw drops open< That's amazing! I absolutely love it. The imagery is so commanding.
The only thing I suggest is some commas in the first line.
 — silentscream

Too telling and not showing for my taste...but I did enjoy reading it.

I need to think about the phrase "highly doubt".

I need to reconcile it with the implied existence of "lowly doubt"...

enough...
 — unknown

Rules were made to be broken, were they not? hehe

This is wonderful. I can see why it is top rated. It is deserving. No, bears are smart, but animals I think know better than to fear death. When you fear death, it makes you weak.
 — elysium

C'mon. This is nice, ut it is not wonderful.

It is cute, but it is not good poetry.
 — unknown

It is good poetry if you get it. It is important because it brings up issues that are deeply affecting civilization in negative ways that many people don't even understand.

I wouldn't describe it as 'cute'. Why cute? Because of the title? All bears are not pooh bears.
 — unknown

How is this cute in the slightest? If that unknown was anywhere near me he/she would be holding his/hers once non shatterd knee cap, bleeding on the floor, and screaming in pain. Its not about being cute. Its about pissing away your life and never really stopping to think that being productive really isnt productive in the slightest. You people suck.
 — InMyBlood

On a personal note I didn't like this poem. I felt like it was condemning me for something that is not necessarily true in my life. You try and brand humans as incapable of enjoying the 'natural' existence of life but not all of us let the beauty of life pass us by.
 — unknown

I think this poem is awesome. It describes the kind of sad pathetic people who would give it a one to bring it down on the charts perfectly.
 — unknown

Ive always loved this poem. brilliant.
 — ShelbyS

Aside from InMyBlood's fiery obsessions...

"I felt like it was condemning me for something that is not necessarily true in my life."

Sounds like it hit a note.
 — elysium

no I just know the author will enjoy everything I said. giggle.
             Devin
 — InMyBlood

Some stupid fuckers rated this 1. This is for me the best poem on this site. I'm tempted to create another profile just to rate it 10 again.
This poem is just an excelent idea and its written so beautifully.
I wholeheartedly agree with "inmyblood"
I Enjoy every fucking line.

-Silly
 — unknown

Great poem, and the title just gives the reader one more thing to think about. :)
 — Rhibal

hence the cheshire cat grin of pride.
i have a groupie poem.
i'd forgotten all about.
digging.
for that and this.

see it better as a song.
 — kaleidazcope

wow
 — silly

"bears can't hang themselves" Tom said unbearably
 — Dr_Dong

I Highly Doubt Bears Ever Stick Themselves
 — unknown

Honest reviews are honest reviews,
I think this poem illustrates why I have to force my self to read poetry.
How does one arrive at an honest rating?

Line one, what does (and) contribute to the already exaggerated construction?

A profound statement indeed, but is it true, I doubt it.

Is there a collective term for a run of ands? A “an/or” perhaps.
One perceives a certain liking for them.

Line 11 -Today the first crystal climbed its way out of the sky,
Did it ascend or descend, would be the question
does “the” really need to be duplicated in one line?

And like the presented poem “I doubt bears ever hang themselves highly”

Best Regards,

Morchuis
 — unknown

I don't think anything with a smaller mind than ours fears death. I doubt bears fight wars, believe in God, or play chess, either.
 — noneisreal

and the crowd goes wild, i give you 8
 — Odin

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
WOW IS THIS SO DELICIOUS?!
 — cuishanying

oops sorry for the stupid comment last time. I meant WHY is this so delicious.
Anyways, I like how it starts with "and" and I like that it actually has a meaning whereas some of the other poems are just pretty, but lack a true message.
 — cuishanying

Written lucidly,
like a passionate preacher on sunday morning,
however,
I disagree with how it was presented.
I appreciated the cleverness of the title, the first line, and the last line, however,
beside the hooks you've created to catch our attention,
the content in between doesn't mean very much to me.
"From ball game to dance recital we lost our discovery channel naturality"
This line in particular irks me because it is a loaded, double-edged statement disguised as a being simple one.
rethink the phrasing of some of these lines and it may turn into something.
this has potential.  good luck.  
 — LucyMidnight

Only onto loved ones, or you
 — lieskilllies

A little too metaphorical, but it's really good.
 — FangzOfFire

great title
 — unknown

really loved the title.  the poem did not disappoint.  would work on some way to clean up the first line a bit.  the use of the word "for" is on the confusing side and i'm not sure that it being one long line really serves its purpose. "shoveling the work load from your walk way"...something about that line is so brilliant. i don't think you need line ten; the language is far too familiar.

--lillas
 — unknown

I like the beggining.
The start of the poem leads from the Title.
Although I'm probably probing a bit deep, I think a poem that casually suggests you 're-think your life and what you know and accept' and simultaneously requires you to re-think the first line, what you understood and read is brilliant.
If that was not the intent, then plead the 'Black on Black Velvet' angle and take the high bid.
Also, the world, in general, uses far, far too many commas, I think.
13 lines; a nice number. I don't feel there is anything overly redundant or extraneously superferlous overmuch within the bounds of the poem.
 — Adarro

Excellent.  Great idea and well worded (except for Line 3 - disrupts the flow etc.).  
 — Champ

I think this poem licks balls and you honestly don't know how to write
 — unknown

Great poem!
I give it an 8 in rating
 — AutumnTears

LOVE the title, and the final three lines sparkle.  the rest . . . not quite as eloquent~
 — mrbrown

excelent job
 — mr_e

Hmm, ooh, nice?

-Sam' xx
 — unknown

sometimes what people describe as living is just occupation of the mind to defer the inevitability of our mortality. helter skelter through each day, not enjoying the moments that make the day. good definitions here. carpe diem
 — coodaygraw

This is still great.
 — InMyBlood

I really, really love this poem. that's all.
 — theair

I expected more from the bears. first line drew me in nicely though. hats off for the title choice.
 — adonispillow

I love this. It's kind of erratic in its free verse, yet it flows so easily, effortlessly. And a palpable, wistful tone to it, too. Seems like the perfect piece to be read aloud. I'm just coming back here after having read this long ago, and it's still great.
 — snow

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