|And I Begin Tonight
Can I begin tonight with metaphor and laughter?
Your life was a perfect blemish,
a shapely birthmark,
a blind gull soaring.
And here, without you, the crisp night’s gale
brings precipitation like television static.
The gin on my breath and Haydn in my ears are reminders
of how you pinched the stems of champagne flutes
and called me pretentious
when I likened you to an aged cello.
When you became sick
you lost your will to argue
and only tried to smile when
I called our love our “oeuvre.”
My bones are now tender
and this revolver
between my teeth is
12 Feb 11
Rated 8.5 (8.3) by 18 users.
Active (18): 5, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (22): 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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My dear X marks the spot - good original moves throughout with a strong narrative balance and the suicidal outro was sucking on that barrel like a teat. L8-9 excellent. Mitch :-)
What wit, Mitch. Thank you for your kind words!
this kills me; no pun intended. marvelous write X
Poignancy at its finest.
l. 18 is sweet image to end on. hard to look up l. 14, but when i did it was a pleasant surprise.
Thanks for all the nice remarks all. This poem was particularly fun because it started out as a translation poem--I took a song originally in Tagalog and literally wrote what I thought it phonically sounded like in English, then tried to make phrases, and revised the phrases to make a coherent narrative. This is about the 8th draft.
Here is the original song that inspired this piece:
ANG KAIBIGANG TUNAY (Tagalog)
Al Q. Perez
Kaibigang tunay ay laging matapat,
ang tulong ay laan sa lahat ng oras.
Siya ay mabait at saka marangal
sa lahat ng saglit ay maaasahan.
Sa pangangailangan, siya'y laging handa
nang ang kaibiga'y hindi mapahiya.
Siya'y nakalaan kahit na magtiis
upang mapagbigyan, katotong matalik.
Kaibigang lubos, kaibigang tapat
ay kayamanan din ang nakakatulad.
L1? I don't know, can you? Take me to the bridge.
L2-4. Hmm, okay, still reading.
"The crisp night's gale" Really? This is starting to feel a little too "Jane Austen historical novel".
"I likened you to an aged cello". Ouch. Where is the music. Say that out loud. Does it sound good? No.
Just doesn't seem authentic. Take some risks. Make it personal.
Will consider these "authenticity" issues.
Sprocket has a loose one, this is one of the single most honest and original
notes I have read here in a long long time. maybe ever.
well done author.
this be some fine writing. especially dig 15-18. nICE.
Will you please post more of your current stuff? It's been so long X! My have you've grown :]
Will do, unknown. I've been busy in this absence finishing up my degree in creative writing. Glad it seems to be showing!
i'd like to go to your program! cheers =)
you're a Filipino, I assume?
Thank you! I'm Filinegro, actually. And can't speak Tagalog at all =/. But I've been to the PI 7 times and love it.
I hear a "suddeness" in your words--a sense of writing all that you see down ( in the moment), before it fades, forever. This especially rings true in the last stanza. Remarkable!
seesaws on being effete and brilliant. i'll touch back later when i've worked it out entirely.
I don't think I read this carefully the first time, I don't know how it could be more personal.
I was off the mark on my first read, glad you clearly have the wisdom to take it in stride.
touched upon it more. i'm thinking more on the brilliant side. i was worried it was an issue of the final stanza - melodrama perhaps, but in context, entirely appropriate.
This is crafted in a reasonable style with good form and intent, but the overuse of tropes throughout really took me out of enjoying it. You're at the top of the charts, so I'll save my rate, but this pulls an 8 out of me for enjoyment, though it is a leg above in the technical standpoint.
glad rocket reread and came to see the pure beauty in this. bravo!
Interesting and very informative. Better than any essa ys.
Really love it...
Oh half Filipino in the house!
Wow! Heavy and light at the same time. I absolutely love 8-10. This is what I come to this site to read. Great work!
Sweet, this poem is still sticking around! Thanks for all the pleasant remarks everyone!
Consider it adored.
yeah consider it adorned
with my pubic hair
Damn! This is some fine, fine writing. L5 6 is crystal clear imagery.
an interesting writing technique too... you translated through the poet that is you ... nicely arrived X
so amazing X!
you're on top now.
whatta translation/inspiration you got there. maybe will show this to my filipino friend.
faved lines 1-18 ;)
what passes as poetry among self-help readers. pretty pathetic as poetry but fine as mindless cosmetic ego touch-up.
trying too hard to be great literature, and ends up being an unintentional parody. that it's liked by casual readers means only that they're given the opportunity to say something for once in their life which doesn't involve saying their birth date to the clerk. if it weren't for better writers you've read and copied from, it wouldn't be possible for you to assemble this little performance. respect poetry, x: it's allowed you to call yourself a poet when you don't deserve to be called anything more than a joker.
Unknown critics are the best.
Evocative and creative. I especially like L2 and 8-10.
this is good
The poem is crushing.
You have conveyed so much emotion with so few words.
Thank you for this
Just brilliant! 10 from me.
oeuvre le port
oeuvre le portugal
oeuvre le porch u gal
oeuvre is a great universal word
oeuvre le port le fenetre le lune
The last stanza is gorgeous
Although I love The image of "metal milk", I'm not sure that the poem wouldn't be stronger with the narrator going on to exist in his grief. Still, you tell a very full story ofa long, deep love in a few short lines. A well done addition to your "oeuvre."
this is weird because it should be good, but it feels soulless. Like... you used other people's images and ideas to write it.
the idea of teeth on the metal of a barrel is interesting. I can feel it. It kind of makes me cringe. The rest, I don't like.
Still, I could see someone publishing this and would have no reason to say it didn't deserve it.
good morning, top-rated.
the poem actually lives in the last two stanzas. what happens when you move on from the initial inspiration and start at line 11? be ruthless and retitle it. the final strophes belong to you.
"metal milk" works well as a last line. anywhere else, it would take the reader out of the poem, but it's a very nice finish and well-balanced for a short write.
This is a very interesting piece. I am fond of Found poetry and the cut and paste of Burroughs...
I have no doubt that the detatched and dissociative state you express here (so much a product of the marketed culture would have been less accessible if it were
approached less obliquely. Well deservedly best listing...
Wow. This is.
The Beautiful Kind.
Nice to know a fellow Filipino here. =)
I think I agree with her, about you being pretentious.
Haydn and gin breath cliches. "Crisp night" makes me cringe.
Just feels a bit too easy. Especially the end.
I love "When you became sick" and wish you had expanded on that.
There's a lot of potential there, to give the emotion more depth.
I like this... A LOT! Unfortunately, I don't feel like leaving some drawn out critique, so I'm just gonna cut to what I truly think of this... W@W, F#ck%ng St$ll@r!!!
nice m's at the end for a physical affect
Lines 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 and 15-18 were the most visual.
That of course makes them my favorites.
Yes, yes, and yes. Deserves the top spot, indeed.
I love how you take overused images like birds, bones, and the night and turn each (just slightly) into something more provocative.
The last four lines of this poem are amazing, imaginative and visceral. Keep on doing good to the English language.
wow wow wow wow wow wow.
That is all I can say about this piece.
this is so good i shall eat it with tangerine thread for my midnight snak