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17
miss_minx

you undress,
 1
there's a scar on your chest.
 2
the grass behind the hill
 3
pricks our backs,
 4
the earth was filled with crickets.
 5
a good moon on a wednesday,
 6
i think i still had short hair then.
 7
you were gentle
 8
when you parted my legs.
 9

17 Mar 11

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Comments:

A couple of grammatical concerns keep this from being a stunning poem.  First, the "grass" "pricks" our backs, since "grass" is singular.  And stay in present tense throughout the poem, especially in line 8: you "are" gentle / when you part my legs.
 — Buffy

Buffy stole my critique.  I'll just second her motion.
Akiikii
 — unknown

thanks
 — miss_minx

Better for the revisions, miss m.
 — akiikii

nice!
 — trochee

hi trochee!
 — miss_minx

hey missy :-)
 — trochee

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