poetry critical

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you undress,
there's a scar on your chest.
the grass behind the hill
pricks our backs,
the earth was filled with crickets.
a good moon on a wednesday,
i think i still had short hair then.
you were gentle
when you parted my legs.

17 Mar 11

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A couple of grammatical concerns keep this from being a stunning poem.  First, the "grass" "pricks" our backs, since "grass" is singular.  And stay in present tense throughout the poem, especially in line 8: you "are" gentle / when you part my legs.
 — Buffy

Buffy stole my critique.  I'll just second her motion.
 — unknown

 — miss_minx

Better for the revisions, miss m.
 — akiikii

 — trochee

hi trochee!
 — miss_minx

hey missy :-)
 — trochee