she’s a spindle with puffy lips-
absent are shadows
a full fathom past
her last pierced tongue
hung like suicide,
the clock lost its cog;
her age vibrates
in praise of her pulse
she feeds my eyes butterflies
and with the ocean
cursing the moon,
I swim towards her shore
tearing my skin
on her coral heart
2 Apr 11
Rated 10 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
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ooooooh exquisite and fantastic imagery. love it. thanks. Ed
Hi JK L6 is odd and appears shoe-horned in but another good piece overall - Mitch :-)
entrancing. is she generic? prototype? your poem raises many questions.
is it serious or comedic? perhaps both? the final three lines are brilliant.
coral, although lovely, can be toxic.
i want to know her
my dear, maybe you ARE her
I admit to being unknown the 2nd and 3rd. This poem is wonderful. I see Woman as Archetype but painted with your own subtle strokes. Brilliant.
Ed, pdemitch, antipoet, lysandre. thanks poets. I will try to rethink 6 mitch. gratitude.
Ah, jk, this is one of your best--the metaphors are exquisite.
thanks much PaulS for reading and positive feedback. when you gonna post another?--it's been a while.
Nice title - and I love this middle stanza:
hung like suicide,
the clock lost its cog;
her age vibrates
in praise of her pulse.
thanks TomR. glad you seem to like it.
has she a present fathom now ?
Web. You are going to kill me with your poetry as of late. Is that what you want? To kill me ever so slowly with your phantom words? How dare you. . .
Yes, this poem is ok. (bites nails) :)
I agree with Ed. Love 7-8 in particular. Any chance of just "Female" for the title to render it a bit less objectifying as the poem is not?
thanks unknown. yes.
glad you seem to be diggin it mandolyn. gracias.
thank you too sybarite. the title was influenced by a poem I read a while back and I'm kind of attached for the time being. I'll have to ponder. glad you seem to like it otherwise.
Delicious JKWeb! LL2-3, 9-10, highlights ;)
thanks Known. glad you found it tasty.
you balanced L9 and L 12/13 with the rest of the words. Bravo
thanks for the accolades Palehorse. much appreciated.
as an apple!
you know, webbie,
the way you written this i can see it working with no punctuation at all
i mean, it doesn't really matter, just sayin...
what doesn't sit with me right is how the vocal swing changes so much in lines 9/10.
I am not a fan of the 11th line as it just doesn't seem to fit here, you know, moons and oceans in the same line...you get me. don't muck it up, i just wanted to share my two non-cents..=-)
you are a pleasure to visit.
hey thanks jen-
did remove some punc
tuation but for me, the ocean and moon go hand-in-hand
and as you know, the moon affects the tide.
anyway, I appreciate your insight.
that looks prettier =-)
i like the line breaks.
and damn, do i ever know.
nice poem and always happy to share idears.
JKWeb, you're class act.
I try to be cordial.
I love line 9 so very much.
thanks for reading and comment Rynne. I still love your "A Dead Leaf Grave (one note song" poem.
Lines 9-14 would have said enough. =) melikey!
i love the lines..tearing my skin on her coral heart..
hey thanks majan,
long time no see. glad youlikey.
glad you like the end brother_sun.
thanks a bunch.
L2 absent are her shadows ?
thanks for reading cassell. line 2 is written as I intended but I appreciate the extra set of eyes.
A timely reminder of a classic. Really enjoyed looking back.
thanks unknown for the 2nd look. gratitude.
i absolutely love 9-14
but the entire poem is remarkable
thanks mandolyn for having another look. glad you still likes.
Damn, this is almost too good. Key word being 'almost'.
oh, i realize now i have read this before.
i thought it read familiar :)
and i faved it back then! HA!
man, i'm really losing my marbles...
thnx much unknown. glad you think it's good.
ha, funny mandolyn.
Nice try at surrealism but you didn't quite make it to land.
this is lovely... just lovely.
What a brilliant poem to come across after dragging myself out of bed on a Sunday morning
Larry corn flaked Lark
thanks much majan and larrylark. glad you both seem to like it.
Stellar write man. That last strophe is damn good.
thanks yield. appreciate the accolades.
Great poem! I especially love 12-14.
thank you very much dannyprice. glad you like them end lines.
what is a spindle ? a cog ? - nice reading.
Don't change a single thing. It's beautiful just the way it izzzzzzzz! :-)
mucho thnx greenmantle and starr for reading and comments.
The first stanza and the first line in the second stanza is really great. Definitely the highlight of the poem for me. Overall, the imagery in this poem is quite interesting!
thanks much ssensory. glad you like some bits.
stanza 3 is really good.
thanks much greenmantle. glad you like 9-14.
it's kind of trailer-trash progressive or metal, but it's good enough and has a little energy. it's genre, for a specific population -- losers -- but, that's writing too. if it weren't so cliche -- if every line and keyword didn't sound like it was ripped from somebody's post 70's pop song... that'd be a move. like, if you'd written this in 1932 it'd be genius.
you can write better than this. it's maybe to convince your writing group that you're not gay?
all poets are gay. this isn't poetry = you're not gay.
this was written in 1932 when I was a genius.
my apologies. did gertrude stein work with you? : )
she worked with hemingway -- he was always afraid people would say he was sissy. for real -- she was a tough editor.
No, cause I ga very this a ten -- din ' do some as hole thing like oneing it to knock it off this list. I'm not a mean person.
she's still here
did she get her piercing under water?
nonsensical- like a women.
a few good one liners, definately not, "A Few Good Men."
ditch the title, it ruins it.
thanks for reading bowiegirl. actually, I can't remember why I titled it as such, maybe inspired by Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus"? I'll try to think of something more suitable to the write.
Plath is a fountain of inspiration, i see the resemblance in your style and rhyme and i do truly enjoy the body of your work.
nice vocabulary but geez...
i thought this was really good until the last 5 lines
i felt like it then became more, um. direct maybe, which for me, made it feel less impossible
thanks again bowiegirl. much appreciated.
thanks hank. glad you at least like the vocabulary.
thank you too demondave. glad you like the first 9 lines.
the last stanza is wonderful
many thanks anastasiya.
9-14 are the best lines. The most original and full of concrete imagery. I love line 9 immensely.
much appreciated rideon. glad you like the end bits.
JKWeb you're blooming man ... nicely writ with longings wit aching through it
many thanks AlchemiA. didn't see ya behind all that spam.
deserving praise, sorry just saw it
A beautiful write. Such nice alliteration and internal rhyme. I love l. 9-14.
thank you very much watt of sixty and Girl of Silver :J