poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Female

she’s a spindle with puffy lips-
absent are shadows
a full fathom past
her last pierced tongue
hung like suicide,
the clock lost its cog;
her age vibrates
in praise of her pulse
she feeds my eyes butterflies
and with the ocean
cursing the moon,
I swim towards her shore
tearing my skin
on her coral heart

2 Apr 11

Rated 9.6 (9.2) by 21 users.
Active (21): 1, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 3, 6, 6, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(156 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

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ooooooh exquisite and fantastic imagery. love it. thanks. Ed
 — unknown

Hi JK L6 is odd and appears shoe-horned in but another good piece overall - Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

entrancing. is she generic? prototype? your poem raises many questions.
is it serious or comedic? perhaps both? the final three lines are brilliant.
coral, although lovely, can be toxic.
 — unknown

i want to know her
 — antipoetry

my dear, maybe you ARE her
 — unknown

I admit to being unknown the 2nd and 3rd. This poem is wonderful. I see Woman as Archetype but painted with your own subtle strokes. Brilliant.
 — lysandre

Ed, pdemitch, antipoet, lysandre.  thanks poets.  I will try to rethink 6 mitch.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

Ah, jk, this is one of your best--the metaphors are exquisite.
 — PaulS

thanks much PaulS for reading and positive feedback.  when you gonna post another?--it's been a while.
 — JKWeb

Nice title - and I love this middle stanza:

hung like suicide,
the clock lost its cog;
her age vibrates
in praise of her pulse.

 — TomRiordan

thanks TomR.  glad you seem to like it.
 — JKWeb

has she a present fathom now ?
 — unknown

Web. You are going to kill me with your poetry as of late. Is that what you want? To kill me ever so slowly with your phantom words? How dare you. . .


Yes, this poem is ok. (bites nails) :)
 — unknown

I agree with Ed.  Love 7-8 in particular.  Any chance of just "Female" for the title to render it a bit less objectifying as the poem is not?
 — sybarite

thanks unknown.  yes.

glad you seem to be diggin it mandolyn.  gracias.

thank you too sybarite.  the title was influenced by a poem I read a while back and I'm kind of attached for the time being.  I'll have to ponder.  glad you seem to like it otherwise.

-   -

 — JKWeb

Delicious JKWeb! LL2-3, 9-10, highlights ;)
 — Known

thanks Known.  glad you found it tasty.
 — JKWeb

you balanced L9 and L 12/13 with the rest of the words. Bravo
 — PaleHorse

thanks for the accolades Palehorse.  much appreciated.
 — JKWeb

as an apple!

you know, webbie,
the way you written this i can see it working with no punctuation at all
i mean, it doesn't really matter, just sayin...

what doesn't sit with me right is how the vocal swing changes so much in lines 9/10.
I am not a fan of the 11th line as it just doesn't seem to fit here, you know, moons and oceans in the same line...you get me.  don't muck it up, i just wanted to share my two non-cents..=-)

you are a pleasure to visit.
 — jenakajoffer

hey thanks jen-
did remove some punc
tuation but for me, the ocean and moon go hand-in-hand
and as you know, the moon affects the tide.
anyway, I appreciate your insight.
 — JKWeb

slight edit.
 — JKWeb

that looks prettier =-)

i like the line breaks.  

and damn, do i ever know.
nice poem and always happy to share idears.
 — jenakajoffer

JKWeb, you're class act.
 — unknown

tyvm unknown.
I try to be cordial.
 — JKWeb

I love line 9 so very much.
 — Rynne

thanks for reading and comment Rynne.  I still love your "A Dead Leaf Grave (one note song" poem.
 — JKWeb

Lines 9-14 would have said enough. =) melikey!
 — majan

i love the lines..tearing my skin on her coral heart..
 — brother_sun

hey thanks majan,
long time no see.  glad youlikey.  
 — JKWeb

glad you like the end brother_sun.
thanks a bunch.
 — JKWeb

L2  absent are her shadows ?
 — cassell

thanks for reading cassell.  line 2 is written as I intended but I appreciate the extra set of eyes.
 — JKWeb

A timely reminder of a classic. Really enjoyed looking back.
 — unknown

thanks unknown for the 2nd look.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

i absolutely love 9-14
but the entire poem is remarkable
 — mandolyn

thanks mandolyn for having another look.  glad you still likes.
 — JKWeb

Damn, this is almost too good. Key word being 'almost'.
 — unknown

oh, i realize now i have read this before.
i thought it read familiar :)
 — mandolyn

and i faved it back then! HA!
man, i'm really losing my marbles...
 — mandolyn

thnx much unknown.  glad you think it's good.

ha, funny mandolyn.
 — JKWeb

Nice try at surrealism but you didn't quite make it to land.
 — unknown

oh darn
 — JKWeb

this is lovely... just lovely.
 — majan

What a brilliant poem to come across after dragging myself out of bed on a Sunday morning

Larry corn flaked Lark
 — larrylark

thanks much majan and larrylark.  glad you both seem to like it.
 — JKWeb

Stellar write man. That last strophe is damn good.
 — yield

thanks yield.  appreciate the accolades.
 — JKWeb

Great poem! I especially love 12-14.
 — dannyprice

thank you very much dannyprice.  glad you like them end lines.
 — JKWeb

what is a spindle ? a cog ? - nice reading.
 — greenmantle

Don't change a single thing.  It's beautiful just the way it izzzzzzzz!  :-)
 — starr

mucho thnx greenmantle and starr for reading and comments.
 — JKWeb

The first stanza and the first line in the second stanza is really great. Definitely the highlight of the poem for me. Overall, the imagery in this poem is quite interesting!
 — ssensory

thanks much ssensory.   glad you like some bits.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

stanza 3 is really good.
 — greenmantle

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

thanks much greenmantle.  glad you like 9-14.
 — JKWeb

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

it's kind of trailer-trash progressive or metal, but it's good enough and has a little energy. it's genre, for a specific population -- losers -- but, that's writing too. if it weren't so cliche -- if every line and keyword didn't sound like it was ripped from somebody's post 70's pop song... that'd be a move. like, if you'd written this in 1932 it'd be genius.
 — cadmium


you can write better than this. it's maybe to convince your writing group that you're not gay?

all poets are gay. this isn't poetry = you're not gay.
 — cadmium


this was written in 1932 when I was a genius.
 — JKWeb

my apologies. did gertrude stein work with you? : )

she worked with hemingway -- he was always afraid people would say he was sissy. for real -- she was a tough editor.
 — cadmium

ignore the cunt cadmium
its the best way
 — unknown

No, cause I ga very this a ten -- din ' do some as hole thing like oneing it to knock it off this list. I'm  not  a mean person.
 — cadmium

she's still here
 — cadmium

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

did she get her piercing under water?
 — percocet

nonsensical- like a women.
 — percocet

a few good one liners, definately not, "A Few Good Men."
 — percocet

ditch the title, it ruins it.
 — bowiegirl

thanks for reading bowiegirl.  actually, I can't remember why I titled it as such, maybe inspired by Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus"?  I'll try to think of something more suitable to the write.
 — JKWeb

Plath is a fountain of inspiration, i see the resemblance in your style and rhyme and i do truly enjoy the body of your work.  
 — bowiegirl

nice vocabulary but geez...
it's nintendo
 — hank

i thought this was really good until the last 5 lines

i felt like it then became more, um. direct  maybe, which for me, made it feel less impossible
 — demodave45

thanks again bowiegirl.  much appreciated.

thanks hank.  glad you at least like the vocabulary.

thank you too demondave.  glad you like the first 9 lines.
 — JKWeb

the last stanza is wonderful
 — anastasiya

many thanks anastasiya.
 — JKWeb

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 — unknown

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 — zyt123

9-14 are the best lines. The most original and full of concrete imagery. I love line 9 immensely.
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much appreciated rideon.  glad you like the end bits.
 — JKWeb