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First Steam Train
larrylark

All those years ago,
 1
mapping horizons.
 2
lines straight as stair rods,
 3
parallel pairs,
 4
solid dreamless sleepers.
 5
 
 
Gently sedate, without constraint
 6
of early or late, brass parts
 7
sweeping clean green fields,
 8
cattle graze, not phased
 9
on summer meadows.
 10
 
 
Passengers regained
 11
a sense of becoming,
 12
caught between, yet somehow
 13
freed from constraint,
 14
as grip of time and place slackened.
 15
 
 
A signal beckoned.
 16
Bright light swung from a pole,
 17
disappeared into a hole
 18
earmarked future.
 19

22 Apr 11

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

Nice!  Excellent imagery and the last stanza wraps this up eloquently.
 — sybarite

Engine
 — unknown

I got steamed up writing this one syberite
 — larrylark

this is interesting, very stop and go but I enjoy the structure. one suggestion is to remove somehow from L13, as I think it improves the flow. L3-5 really grabbed me. I also think maybe moving "brass parts" from L7 to a new line would be good. and maybe a different word than slackened, I feel like it slows the pace of the stanza. nice work, I enjoyed it.
 — ShelbyS

Hi ShelbyS..i will give great thought to your excellent suggestions
 — larrylark

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