|First Steam Train
All those years ago,
lines straight as stair rods,
solid dreamless sleepers.
Gently sedate, without constraint
of early or late, brass parts
sweeping clean green fields,
cattle graze, not phased
on summer meadows.
a sense of becoming,
caught between, yet somehow
freed from constraint,
as grip of time and place slackened.
A signal beckoned.
Bright light swung from a pole,
disappeared into a hole
22 Apr 11
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Nice! Excellent imagery and the last stanza wraps this up eloquently.
I got steamed up writing this one syberite
this is interesting, very stop and go but I enjoy the structure. one suggestion is to remove somehow from L13, as I think it improves the flow. L3-5 really grabbed me. I also think maybe moving "brass parts" from L7 to a new line would be good. and maybe a different word than slackened, I feel like it slows the pace of the stanza. nice work, I enjoyed it.
Hi ShelbyS..i will give great thought to your excellent suggestions