|...with his face a foot away from heaven
in the beginning...
staring up, a focused eye...
gold paint drips down
and lightly splatters
a genius cheek,
mimicking priceless tears.
by the end...
the blurried eye older...
red paint streams down
a genius cheek,
stigmata tears spent
within the chapel vault,
creating in the creator
the saints he wished to paint.
19 Apr 04
Rated 9 (7.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
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I like your poem!
I like this.
your name is very...applicable to the poem.
I almost didn't read this just because of the title. I was sure it was going to be about suicide. I'm glad I took my chances and opened it up. You may want to consider revising the title (just for the site?) if you would like more people to comment on it.
I really like the images you've created. The only suggestion I have is that there is a beginning and an end, but no middle. I find myself missing the 'everything' that was in between.
I'm not too sure about all of the line breaks. It read just a tad bit choppy for me, even when I read it aloud (which usually helps to clear that up for me).
l5's equivalent is missing in the second stanza. That was a little distracting.
This has great potential with a few minor changes. I really like this.
if you want to see the middle, go visit the sistine chapel
thanks for the comments amy. i'm thinking about l5 equivalent.
suggestion for l5-'and lightly kisses', as the way the Lord kissed people upon the forhead? just a thought. i like this. it is beautiful.
You have a way.
I like it alot. I started out picturing those big golden gates in the clouds...and then all of a sudden, it's *bam* I see just a grey waste land. I don't know if that's what you originally pictured, but that's what I got. It's very good though, my favorite lines being L2 - L7 :)
I like the last line.
this is really good. nice work.
your hurting my head
Michelangelo and the Sisteen Chapel. Awesome.
I like your wording and your drift, hank, but I think that the images you specifically create don't always evoke a serene image. I'm rather disturbed by the vision of an eye. But you do a great job of scaring me with it, whatever contortions and restraints it undergoes. It's something all too surreal which can't be done in video or even sound.
I think that you could be a little more blatant about your final point/conclusion. Say something really obvious, you know? With this strength of persuasion it won't hurt a bit. But it's just my two cents....
This reads (for me) with such subtle attention paid to the rhythms of the words that, while it is short on words, it flows like a small brook through a quiet forest.
i signed out to say to you, "whow."
it's nice to get comments on old poems. particularly when they are as gracious as these. thanks guys.
where did this endless dribble come from..I have seen your comments on others` work, maybe you should learn to write a poem yourself, then maybe you could comment more efficiently. This poem sucks athoud=sand donkey dicks, and thats being kind.
fuck off unknown.
i like the title, it fits the poem very well.
unfortunately many will assume it's about suicide..
this is a wonderful piece, and a beautiful way to describe the monumentous event it's describing. gorgeous imagery with so few words. i love it.
hey unknown, learn to spell 'a thousand' before you criticize someone's poetry. it's more important to be literate than it is to be a good poet. you obviously don't have the latter skill because the former is necessary.
omg that was awesome..I really like.. the blurried eye older... 9
blinks as 10
red paint streams down..that was awesome..keep it up
I remember reading this when I first started visiting PC, and thinking what a great calibre of work was on show here. Reading this again, it's still as evocative and sweet as it was the first time round. After reading mroe of your stuff (the slinky stuff poem and others lol) I rememebr coming back to this and thinking "Wow, hank wrote this?!"
So maybe you were always mellow, just had an urge for thinly disguised perverty poems along the way. :) I still adore this.
Nice job...not sure of the title though
the title describes the image in my minds eye of how close michelangelo must have been to the sistine ceiling while painting it.
hmm...good images here. Very appealing word choice.
This is a cleverly written poem with very interesting and lyrical imagery
I want to lie down and stare at the roof for a week. The words in lines 11-16 were just waiting to be put in that order. I love it.
i'll lay with you.
hopefully it will be raining outside.
with a small hole in the roof.
great poem except the last two lines that i cannot understand, damn you!
i'm asserting that michelangelo was the saint.
no wonder i liked this. you wrote it.
The title sounds like a CUNNILINGUS feast. Ugh!
another excellent critique from an unknown.
comment police....... lolalola yousoundin' like Marie F going psycho over all them assholically rude unknowns. Don't take yourself so seriously. You can't be loved by everyone. It isn't illegal to post as an unknown. In fact, I know you've done it youself.
i doubt it
i veddy much doubt it
It pleases me that this poem is balanced but not symmetrical. ( I would like to see "genius" eye + cheek replaced by 2 different modifiers, but that's a detail).
Lines 15 + 16 make an engaged reader ponder creativity, slavery and sainthood.
really like this critique. 'balanced but not symmetrical'. kind of like his work itself.
just a thought, Hank. L 6: sculptor eye ( didn't he think of himself first, foremost and only as a sculptor?)
Wow, this is..amazing..
very good point.
mimicking priceless tears
and heavenly rain
I think instead of by the end it should mirror the first line completely.
in the end
trying to paint...quickly learned (hopefully) that you paint with paint..not with words...leave the flowery language for your lover...and get down to black and white for the rest of us.