poetry critical

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...with his face a foot away from heaven
hank

in the beginning...
 1
 
 
staring up, a focused eye...
 2
blinks as
 3
gold paint drips down
 4
and lightly splatters
 5
a genius cheek,
 6
mimicking priceless tears.
 7
 
 
by the end...
 8
 
 
the blurried eye older...
 9
blinks as
 10
red paint streams down
 11
a genius cheek,
 12
stigmata tears spent
 13
within the chapel vault,
 14
creating in the creator
 15
the saints he wished to paint.
 16

19 Apr 04

Rated 9 (7.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I like your poem!
 — Blood_Drip

thanks.
 — hank

I like this.
 — unknown

your name is very...applicable to the poem.
 — hank

I almost didn't read this just because of the title.  I was sure it was going to be about suicide.  I'm glad I took my chances and opened it up.  You may want to consider revising the title (just for the site?) if you would like more people to comment on it.

I really like the images you've created.  The only suggestion I have is that there is a beginning and an end, but no middle.  I find myself missing the 'everything' that was in between.

I'm not too sure about all of the line breaks.  It read just a tad bit choppy for me, even when I read it aloud (which usually helps to clear that up for me).  

l5's equivalent is missing in the second stanza.  That was a little distracting.

This has great potential with a few minor changes.  I really like this.
 — amy

if you want to see the middle, go visit the sistine chapel
 — unknown

thanks for the comments amy. i'm thinking about l5 equivalent.
 — hank

suggestion for l5-'and lightly kisses', as the way the Lord kissed people upon the forhead? just a thought. i like this. it is beautiful.
 — wendz

You have a way.
 — pennylane

I like it alot. I started out picturing those big golden gates in the clouds...and then all of a sudden, it's *bam* I see just a grey waste land. I don't know if that's what you originally pictured, but that's what I got. It's very good though, my favorite lines being L2 - L7 :)
 — Adrielle

I like the last line.
 — Hmm

this is really good. nice work.
 — AEOS

your hurting my head
 — kronah

Michelangelo and the Sisteen Chapel. Awesome.
 — erielle

I like your wording and your drift, hank, but I think that the images you specifically create don't always evoke a serene image. I'm rather disturbed by the vision of an eye. But you do a great job of scaring me with it, whatever contortions and restraints it undergoes. It's something all too surreal which can't be done in video or even sound.

I think that you could be a little more blatant about your final point/conclusion. Say something really obvious, you know? With this strength of persuasion it won't hurt a bit. But it's just my two cents....
-zepp
 — zepplin42

This reads (for me) with such subtle attention paid to the rhythms of the words that, while it is short on words, it flows like a small brook through a quiet forest.
 — unknown

agreed,
 — AEOS

i signed out to say to you, "whow."
 — unknown

it's nice to get comments on old poems. particularly when they are as gracious as these. thanks guys.
 — hank

where did this endless dribble come from..I have seen your comments on others` work, maybe you should learn to write a poem yourself, then maybe you could comment more efficiently. This poem sucks athoud=sand donkey dicks, and thats being kind.
 — unknown

fuck off unknown.
 — hank

i like the title, it fits the poem very well.
unfortunately many will assume it's about suicide..


this is a wonderful piece, and a beautiful way to describe the monumentous event it's describing.  gorgeous imagery with so few words. i love it.
 — shakeit

hey unknown, learn to spell 'a thousand' before you criticize someone's poetry. it's more important to be literate than it is to be a good poet. you obviously don't have the latter skill because the former is necessary.
 — shakeit

omg that was awesome..I really like.. the blurried eye older...  9
blinks as  10
red paint streams down..that was awesome..keep it up
 — unknown

I remember reading this when I first started visiting PC, and thinking what a great calibre of work was on show here. Reading this again, it's still as evocative and sweet as it was the first time round. After reading mroe of your stuff (the slinky stuff poem and others lol) I rememebr coming back to this and thinking "Wow, hank wrote this?!"

So maybe you were always mellow, just had an urge for thinly disguised perverty poems along the way. :) I still adore this.
 — wendz

Michelangelo?
Nice job...not sure of the title though
 — feetfirst

feetfirst-
the title describes the image in my minds eye of how close michelangelo must have been to the sistine ceiling while painting it.
 — hank

hmm...good images here. Very appealing word choice.
 — oksana

good poem.
 — unknown

This is a cleverly written poem with very interesting and lyrical imagery
 — larrylark

I want to lie down and stare at the roof for a week.  The words in lines 11-16 were just waiting to be put in that order.  I love it.
 — kitkat

i'll lay with you.
 — hank

hopefully it will be raining outside.
 — hank

with a small hole in the roof.
 — kitkat

great poem except the last two lines that i cannot understand, damn you!
 — nullus

i'm asserting that michelangelo was the saint.
 — hank

no wonder i liked this. you wrote it.
 — listen

The title sounds like a CUNNILINGUS feast. Ugh!
 — unknown

another excellent critique from an unknown.
 — hank

comment police....... lolalola   yousoundin' like Marie F going psycho over all them assholically rude unknowns. Don't take yourself so seriously. You can't be loved by everyone. It isn't illegal to post as an unknown. In fact, I know you've done it youself.
 — unknown

actually man

i doubt it

i veddy much doubt it

Gupta
 — unknown

who's gupta?
 — hank

It pleases me that this poem is balanced but not symmetrical. ( I would like to see "genius" eye + cheek replaced by 2 different modifiers, but that's a detail).
Lines  15 + 16 make an engaged reader ponder creativity, slavery and sainthood.
Beautiful poem.

hank's unknown
 — unknown

really like this critique. 'balanced but not symmetrical'. kind of like his work itself.
 — hank

just a thought, Hank. L 6: sculptor eye ( didn't he think of himself first, foremost and only as a sculptor?)

Your Unknown
 — unknown

Wow, this is..amazing..
 — MEB

very good point.
 — hank

mimicking priceless tears
and heavenly rain
 — unknown

I think instead of by the end it should mirror the first line completely.

in the end
 — povertea

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