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First Date with a Dead Woman on Halloween
JKWeb

I picked her up at the graveyard
 1
dragged her to the car
 2
and off we went
 3
 
 
to my favorite restaurant
 4
and once inside,
 5
she ordered sirloin steak,
 6
 
 
“I’m trying to gain weight”
 7
she declared.
 8
 
 
“You look great-
 9
in spite of your pasty face”
 10
I responded.
 11
 
 
Then she leaned over
 12
face-down in her plate.
 13
 
 
“Is she okay?”
 14
the waiter asked.
 15
 
 
“Narcoleptic” I replied.
 16
 
 
......................................
 17
 
 
Later that night,
 18
we saw the movie “Dawn of the Dead”
 19
“What a load of crap” she said.
 20
“Take me home if you don’t mind.”
 21
 
 
When I dropped her off
 22
I leaned in for a kiss-
 23
she pulled back,
 24
“not on the first date
 25
you maniac!”
 26

22 Oct 11

Rated 9.7 (9.6) by 9 users.
Active (9): 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

:) :) :) You made me piss myself webster
 — unknown

you are sure this is your first date with a dead woman?
 — unknown

Not great poetry but it is great fun to read.  Clever little touches, like lines 16.  

I'd be interested in a poem that shows how you found her in the graveyard to begin with, that would be good.  Can you attempt it?

Actually, you didn't say she was dead, only implied it.  Hmm...was I reading more into this than you meant?
 — Isabelle5

the title says it all and you've laid out this tale in the campy twists and turns that the 'better' horror stories do, making blood and decay a meataphor for our own weaknesses and failings -- are you a Zombie, one of the 99 per-cent 'whore' a slave to consumerism, or an elite vampire, consuming whatever desires you call love, the one-per-cent rictus-grinning above -- nonetheless, a few moments in your imagery made me grin knowingly...
 — AlchemiA

thanks everyone.

Isabelle,
not sure I want to expand.  maybe another write, aye.  thanks for reading and feedback.

thank you too AlchemiA.  I like the "meataphor" part of your feedback.

~  -
\__/
 — JKWeb

cute. very.
 — unknown

Well, I can read but I missed DEAD in the title after I was in the poem.  I just like the story so much that I wanted a prologue and a sequel!  Like ghost babies!  Very fun poem.
 — Isabelle5

thank you much unknown.  glad you dig.

thanks again Isa.cinco
 — JKWeb

like
 — unknown

ludds
 — unknown

a hoot....a howl!  your swollen, darkening tongue looming just back of your thinning cheek, JK!  what makes it for me is that it's your "first" date, implying more to come.  line 16 made me laugh out loud--pepsi exploding from my nose!
 — pittsburgh

gracias unknown(s).



pepsi can be a health hazard.  'specially swooshing around your nasal cavity.  thanks for reading and feedback pittsburgh.  glad you seem to like.
 — JKWeb

My fav poem on PC in quite sometime. Thanks!
 — unknown

O Hello Webster!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrgKZYpBvXU&feature=related
 — unknown

Hmm...have you done some editing?  In any case, appropriately Halloween!
 — sybarite

I love the 'What a load of crap" line.  What a grand sense of humor we have on this site.
 — Isabelle5

somebody please tell me why i'm the only jerk who doesn't find this even remotely amusing, let alone creative, in any way.
 — unknown

because your a jerk. dumb-ass.
 — unknown

*sigh*  i guess you're right
 — unknown

Webster will you tickle my funne~Bones ??? You can trick and I will treat.
 — unknown

"somebody please tell me why i'm the only jerk who doesn't find this even remotely amusing, let alone creative, in any way."

you aren't.

the poem fails as soon as the raggedy little off-off-off-off-off-broadway curtain closes on this sad little affair. the title states very equivocally "Halloween", and yet the ensuing piece does next to nothing to deliver. the opening line states the word "graveyard", and yet this supposed 'Halloween' poem decides the action must take place in a restaurant? the characters see a movie, "Dawn of the Dead" -- is this enough to claim the title of 'Halloween'? i see nothing 'Halloween' about this piece whatsoever, other than the aforementioned pair of poorly-employed phrases.

i say "poorly-employed", because really, had there been more 'creativity' involved in this "Halloween" poem, then much more of the action could, and should have been taking place in the graveyard. even some description of the events of the movie alluded to would help. i've never seen the film, and certainly there will be many readers who also haven't seen the film, therefore the mention of it conjures nothing in me, shows me nothing, except perhaps the popcorn and snacks and seating of the cinema? and that's a stretch. not "Halloween". were this poem 'creative', as it were, or even skillfully written at a bare minimum (as all genre-based art at some point must resort to pure skill over creative endeavour due to the rehashing of image and idea prevalent to 'genre'), some concrete imagery would be employed beyond the meagre offering this poem makes in this very important regard.

sirloin steak
pasty face

very meagre images indeed.

any piece of writing attempting to be 'poetic', yet relying heavily on quoted dialogue, is truly up against the cold grey mortuary wall.

even the grammar and punctuation is wonky throughout the piece.
i would be inclined to quote the ever-sweet Isabelle5 in saying "this is not a poem".
more of a mundane short-story which puts far too much onus on the reader to provide their own images. it's a story with more than one character, yet the narrator speaks monotone, makes no distinction between voices.
it's a little play put on by the community theater group, who had no budget for either wardrobe, or set decoration.

the only element i found humourous (entirely subjective, admittedly) were the final lines 25,26.

i'm sorry to be so obviously panning this piece of writing, but it truly deserves it. and so does this workshop ensemble deserve it, grown far too friendly to remain objective about the problems of their dear friends' 'poetry', rating everything with a '10', raising poor quality writing to the top-rated lists to become indicative of what level of craft this site has to offer, possibly turning great writing talent away because of that.
 — unknown

The problem might be that you're trying to be "deep" while this poem is light and funny.  Not everyone's cup of humor, though, maybe your "humorous" is broken!
 — Isabelle5

Not the same thing at all and I'm not interested in arguing this point with you, thanks.
 — Isabelle5

wow--  a lot to digest.  thanks for looking even if you isn't liking.  I'll try to be less doggerel although dogs are awesome.  bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay...ïðŒöÐ
 — JKWeb

oy' bauer.  Isabelle's right in that it's just for fun-- in the spirit of Halloween.  seems some folks enjoyed reading while others including yourself, not so much.
 — JKWeb

I warned you that I won't tolerate you speaking like that about me or anyone else anymore, Mike.  Talk about the poem, not the poets.
 — plath

^agree
 — unknown

Zombies especially find IT brains delectable, 'cause they're fried ...
 — AlchemiA

indeed AlchemiA ...
 — JKWeb

At least she's got taste about "Dawn of the Dead"., and doesn't kiss on her first date. Classy Lady.
 — cassell

you silly boy
 — mandolyn

luv
 — unknown

thanks for reading and comments cassell, mandolyn, unknown.
 — JKWeb

bump
 — unknown

this was fun,
 — mould_jesus

thanks mould_jesus.  glad you seemed to dig it.
 — JKWeb

L13 absolutely made my day!
 — PaleHorse

thank you much PaleHorse.  glad you like Lucky 13.
 — JKWeb

maybe you are a pervert and not a maniac?
Spaghetti-Horror horror fun—good one.
Tell me, JK, what do the dead have over the living? What is their edge?
 — lysandre

Dead woman don't bitch.
 — OldShoe

gracias lysandre,
  glad you seemed to enjoy the read.  in answer to your inquiry, not sure.  but alas, I suppose we'll all find out one dreary day.
 — JKWeb

oy' OldShoe,
  dead man don't twitch.
 — JKWeb

unless, of course
there's an irregular onset of rigor.
 — JKWeb

dead women dont complain, they just hum (express hestitation - definition)
 — unknown

um, how do you overcome the smell?
 — unknown

You could ask the same question regarding many of the living.
 — OldShoe

"You could ask the same question regarding many of the living."

^and you would be an expert on this, right?
 — unknown

One need not be an expert on such matters.  One only needs a nose.  
 — OldShoe

Olfactory preferences have many variations.

also:

you look great
in spite of your mottled face

mere suggestions, Sir Graveyard Address
 — lysandre

mottled apples
 — OldShoe

how much spam can you fit in a can?
 — JKWeb

Weeeee, what a quick and easy souitlon.
 — unknown

wow this thread has been fucked over monumentally. someone tell that spambot to fuck off
 — mould_jesus

Cute (in an edgy sort of way). It has a good beat and you can dance to it.
 — zoralinsky

thanks for reading and comments zoralinsky.
 — JKWeb

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