| First Date with a Dead Woman on Halloween
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JKWeb
| I picked her up at the graveyard | 1 |
dragged her to the car | 2 |
and off we went | 3 |
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to my favorite restaurant | 4 |
and once inside, | 5 |
she ordered sirloin steak, | 6 |
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“I’m trying to gain weight” | 7 |
she declared. | 8 |
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“You look great- | 9 |
in spite of your pasty face” | 10 |
I responded. | 11 |
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Then she leaned over | 12 |
face-down in her plate. | 13 |
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“Is she okay?” | 14 |
the waiter asked. | 15 |
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“Narcoleptic” I replied. | 16 |
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...................................... | 17 |
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Later that night, | 18 |
we saw the movie “Dawn of the Dead” | 19 |
“What a load of crap” she said. | 20 |
“Take me home if you don’t mind.” | 21 |
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When I dropped her off | 22 |
I leaned in for a kiss- | 23 |
she pulled back, | 24 |
“not on the first date | 25 |
you maniac!” | 26 |
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22 Oct 11 |
Rated 10 (9.5) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 8, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(168 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
:) :) :) You made me piss myself webster
— unknown
you are sure this is your first date with a dead woman?
— unknown
Not great poetry but it is great fun to read. Clever little touches, like lines 16.
I'd be interested in a poem that shows how you found her in the graveyard to begin with, that would be good. Can you attempt it?
Actually, you didn't say she was dead, only implied it. Hmm...was I reading more into this than you meant?
— Isabelle5
the title says it all and you've laid out this tale in the campy twists and turns that the 'better' horror stories do, making blood and decay a meataphor for our own weaknesses and failings -- are you a Zombie, one of the 99 per-cent 'whore' a slave to consumerism, or an elite vampire, consuming whatever desires you call love, the one-per-cent rictus-grinning above -- nonetheless, a few moments in your imagery made me grin knowingly...
— AlchemiA
thanks everyone.
Isabelle,
not sure I want to expand. maybe another write, aye. thanks for reading and feedback.
thank you too AlchemiA. I like the "meataphor" part of your feedback.
~ -
\__/
— JKWeb
cute. very.
— unknown
Well, I can read but I missed DEAD in the title after I was in the poem. I just like the story so much that I wanted a prologue and a sequel! Like ghost babies! Very fun poem.
— Isabelle5
thank you much unknown. glad you dig.
thanks again Isa.cinco
— JKWeb
like
— unknown
ludds
— unknown
a hoot....a howl! your swollen, darkening tongue looming just back of your thinning cheek, JK! what makes it for me is that it's your "first" date, implying more to come. line 16 made me laugh out loud--pepsi exploding from my nose!
— pittsburgh
gracias unknown(s).
pepsi can be a health hazard. 'specially swooshing around your nasal cavity. thanks for reading and feedback pittsburgh. glad you seem to like.
— JKWeb
My fav poem on PC in quite sometime. Thanks!
— unknown
O Hello Webster!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrgKZYpBvXU&feature=related
— unknown
Hmm...have you done some editing? In any case, appropriately Halloween!
— sybarite
I love the 'What a load of crap" line. What a grand sense of humor we have on this site.
— Isabelle5
somebody please tell me why i'm the only jerk who doesn't find this even remotely amusing, let alone creative, in any way.
— unknown
because your a jerk. dumb-ass.
— unknown
*sigh* i guess you're right
— unknown
Webster will you tickle my funne~Bones ??? You can trick and I will treat.
— unknown
"somebody please tell me why i'm the only jerk who doesn't find this even remotely amusing, let alone creative, in any way."
you aren't.
the poem fails as soon as the raggedy little off-off-off-off-off-broadway curtain closes on this sad little affair. the title states very equivocally "Halloween", and yet the ensuing piece does next to nothing to deliver. the opening line states the word "graveyard", and yet this supposed 'Halloween' poem decides the action must take place in a restaurant? the characters see a movie, "Dawn of the Dead" -- is this enough to claim the title of 'Halloween'? i see nothing 'Halloween' about this piece whatsoever, other than the aforementioned pair of poorly-employed phrases.
i say "poorly-employed", because really, had there been more 'creativity' involved in this "Halloween" poem, then much more of the action could, and should have been taking place in the graveyard. even some description of the events of the movie alluded to would help. i've never seen the film, and certainly there will be many readers who also haven't seen the film, therefore the mention of it conjures nothing in me, shows me nothing, except perhaps the popcorn and snacks and seating of the cinema? and that's a stretch. not "Halloween". were this poem 'creative', as it were, or even skillfully written at a bare minimum (as all genre-based art at some point must resort to pure skill over creative endeavour due to the rehashing of image and idea prevalent to 'genre'), some concrete imagery would be employed beyond the meagre offering this poem makes in this very important regard.
sirloin steak
pasty face
very meagre images indeed.
any piece of writing attempting to be 'poetic', yet relying heavily on quoted dialogue, is truly up against the cold grey mortuary wall.
even the grammar and punctuation is wonky throughout the piece.
i would be inclined to quote the ever-sweet Isabelle5 in saying "this is not a poem".
more of a mundane short-story which puts far too much onus on the reader to provide their own images. it's a story with more than one character, yet the narrator speaks monotone, makes no distinction between voices.
it's a little play put on by the community theater group, who had no budget for either wardrobe, or set decoration.
the only element i found humourous (entirely subjective, admittedly) were the final lines 25,26.
i'm sorry to be so obviously panning this piece of writing, but it truly deserves it. and so does this workshop ensemble deserve it, grown far too friendly to remain objective about the problems of their dear friends' 'poetry', rating everything with a '10', raising poor quality writing to the top-rated lists to become indicative of what level of craft this site has to offer, possibly turning great writing talent away because of that.
— unknown
The problem might be that you're trying to be "deep" while this poem is light and funny. Not everyone's cup of humor, though, maybe your "humorous" is broken!
— Isabelle5
Not the same thing at all and I'm not interested in arguing this point with you, thanks.
— Isabelle5
wow-- a lot to digest. thanks for looking even if you isn't liking. I'll try to be less doggerel although dogs are awesome. bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay...ïðŒöÐ
— JKWeb
oy' bauer. Isabelle's right in that it's just for fun-- in the spirit of Halloween. seems some folks enjoyed reading while others including yourself, not so much.
— JKWeb
I warned you that I won't tolerate you speaking like that about me or anyone else anymore, Mike. Talk about the poem, not the poets.
— plath
^agree
— unknown
Zombies especially find IT brains delectable, 'cause they're fried ...
— AlchemiA
indeed AlchemiA ...
— JKWeb
At least she's got taste about "Dawn of the Dead"., and doesn't kiss on her first date. Classy Lady.
— cassell
you silly boy
— mandolyn
luv
— unknown
thanks for reading and comments cassell, mandolyn, unknown.
— JKWeb
bump
— unknown
this was fun,
— mould_jesus
thanks mould_jesus. glad you seemed to dig it.
— JKWeb
L13 absolutely made my day!
— PaleHorse
thank you much PaleHorse. glad you like Lucky 13.
— JKWeb
maybe you are a pervert and not a maniac?
Spaghetti-Horror horror fun—good one.
Tell me, JK, what do the dead have over the living? What is their edge?
— lysandre
Dead woman don't bitch.
— OldShoe
gracias lysandre,
glad you seemed to enjoy the read. in answer to your inquiry, not sure. but alas, I suppose we'll all find out one dreary day.
— JKWeb
oy' OldShoe,
dead man don't twitch.
— JKWeb
unless, of course
there's an irregular onset of rigor.
— JKWeb
dead women dont complain, they just hum (express hestitation - definition)
— unknown
um, how do you overcome the smell?
— unknown
You could ask the same question regarding many of the living.
— OldShoe
"You could ask the same question regarding many of the living."
^and you would be an expert on this, right?
— unknown
One need not be an expert on such matters. One only needs a nose.
— OldShoe
Olfactory preferences have many variations.
also:
you look great
in spite of your mottled face
mere suggestions, Sir Graveyard Address
— lysandre
mottled apples
— OldShoe
how much spam can you fit in a can?
— JKWeb
Weeeee, what a quick and easy souitlon.
— unknown
wow this thread has been fucked over monumentally. someone tell that spambot to fuck off
— mould_jesus
Cute (in an edgy sort of way). It has a good beat and you can dance to it.
— zoralinsky
thanks for reading and comments zoralinsky.
— JKWeb
*
— unknown
Cute! I hope you held the doors for her. Oh, WAIT. Never mind. She's dead, so she can just pass right THRU 'em! ;-)
— starr
thanks for reading and comments starr man.
— JKWeb
I adore the living shit out of this poem! Outstanding!
— dannyprice
Fun read. Lots to make me smile :)
— jenn
glad you's like my Christmas poem. just kidding. thanks for reading and comments dannyprice and jenn.
— JKWeb
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