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soft fistful of indecision
DeformedLion

mountain of sky above me.
 1
too much candle
 2
too soon the bird in all its glory
 3
flocking to the moon.
 4
 
 
i sip from the emerald sea,
 5
black, turnip eyes behold
 6
a caravan of lies, each of
 7
my little heads turning
 8
two words against the tide.
 9
 
 
inside of that undead flotilla,
 10
where the lowest torture of flowers
 11
is met by dew,
 12
and by a stovetop, its aching rust,
 13
forming into revelation:  
 14
   picture you.
 15
 
 
guess i dance out
 16
in a sandstorm,
 17
 
 
i have a gourd, two left shoes,
 18
something crayon:
 19
a feel of paper being crumpled
 20
by the shade my body cannot keep.
 21
 
 
that same feel, that textured death,
 22
a eulogy of kneeling,
 23
 
 
   i am safe, ordained
 24
   glimmered son.
 25

31 Oct 11

Rated 10 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
Inactive (9): 1, 3, 3, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

very nicely rendered.  might omit 'soft' from the title?   especially like 5-9.
 — JKWeb

Sometimes fisting hurts.
Nice poem, rough and tender, just how I like it.

Lovely title, Linus
 — jenakajoffer

Oh lovely!  I second Jen's comment!
 — sybarite

I like the title, but I must admit I am befuffled by its strange edge.
A soft fist of indecision? So chronically indecisive?
 — V

befuffled? wat dat?
 — unknown

i be fuffled, you know?
 — unknown

A combination of befuddled and baffled.
 — unknown

the title gathers the dream of what the poet means ... 'mountain of sky' takes dissimiltudes of imagery to make it feel bigger than big and weightier than ... slipping into the song motif, 'too soon, too soon' and the sky rolls the mountain we call Moon...

'turning two heads against the tide' .. nice echo to the first strophes Moon weight dragging against the grate ...

then turn it into the reader, make them dance in meter ...

a 'lil crayon whimsy to make it feel small

'a eulogy of kneeling' -- brilliant line!!!!

which makes the last line shine -- as I moved from wonder into awe, my eyes glimmered with the beauty that I saw ... and I saw beauty here DL
 — AlchemiA

slick but could use some polishes...i have no specific critiques atm though. just a feeling. cool poem!
 — Known

L1 sounds like something grom an early Genesis album. Gusto
 — unknown

Hello Linus, your writing makes me feel so......
 — V

^sane
 — V

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