poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Blue Nostrum
sybarite

the kitchen faucet drips
 1
punctuating the silence
 2
at chapter's end
 3
as daughters departed
 4
and lovers were asked to leave
 5
 
 
solitude is a tricky bitch
 6
as tea turns into tomorrows
 7
clocks spin out of purpose
 8
and time reduces serenity
 9
to lonely sauce
 10
 
 
(it's too quiet here tonight)
 11
 
 
in another room
 12
a new bed lies sleepless
 13
while the sofa protests
 14
misappropriation
 15
rueing its proximity
 16
to forty-two inches
 17
soothing blue
 18
and canned laughter
 19

7 Jan 12

Rated 8 (8) by 12 users.
Active (12): 8
Inactive (0): 4, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(130 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

always worth a cringe when i see 'singularity', as the poems where the word appears generally never come close to doing it the justice it so gravely deserves

some words are just words, other words are so deeply ingrained with unassailable notion that to utter them aloud would blow the eyesockets out of the blanched skull of max planck

good poem
 — unknown

Thanks for the feedback, unk.  Yup, that word/line and the last two lines are a sore spot, I agree.

Perhaps I could drop singularity and simply go with:
the kitchen faucet drips
against the silence brought
as daughters departed

Whatcha think?
 — sybarite

i think you would serve your poem well to begin with a platform of very plain speaking, then build off of that

it seems as though you are really struggling to write something 'poetic', or 'poem-like'

the use of singularity obviously was a way of jazzing up something plain: you're all alone, you're lonely, because (presumably) your daughters have flown the coop, and you haven't anyone to call 'lover' at the moment, and it's frightening, so frightening to stare into dainty china cup of tea going cold, but not quite there, sipping it like some kind of disgusting tepid bathwater concoction, disturbing medicine, and the bed in the other room is too big for just one person now, and the couch almost holds you, swaddles you snug, the warmth coming from the tv screen and low volume of the droning program like a lullaby, like whispers from your children who don't need you anymore, like gentle kisses from an attentive lover
 — unknown

Thanks for the advice, unk.   Some changes to the first and last stanza.
 — sybarite

i like the sentiments alot, although excuse my lack of knowledge, what is forty-two inches ? A lithium tube TV ?
 — Rossant

I like your style my Party girl
 — cassell

Thank you, cassell.
Thanks, Rossant.  Yes, a TV, plasma rather than lithium, but that's mere semantics. ;)
 — sybarite

I'm not satisfied with the ending....suggestions anyone?
 — sybarite

soothing blue
and laughter
in cans.
 — unknown

i love the end...
'soothing blue and canned laughter'
that is spectacular  :)
 — mandolyn

shit...i thought i posted a comment, but it didn't take.  

i like this poem so well--having lately been licking my own kitchen's pot leavings of lonely sauce

i like the ending, but i see what you mean....maybe

rueing its proximity
to forty-two inches
soothing blue broken
by canned mandarin
orange laughter
 — pittsburgh

oh nice but i might have gone with a wackier title: "blue colostrum"

?

yah !!
 — Clara

hah hah!  yes!
 — pittsburgh

Solitude is a tricky bitch!  Great line!  So, someone else sleeps on the couch, not just me.  

Lonely sauce isn't working for me.  Maybe just loneliness there?  

Overall, a good read.  
 — Isabelle5

Sybarite!  Blue colostrum???   hahaha  That would have freaked my husband out, that's for sure!!
 — Isabelle5

They took the rap for the guillotine and their pretty wild tussles.
 — unknown

Tick tock, drip, drip they are the harbingers of loneliness.

This is truly a beautiful poem that captured a moment in perfection.
 — marieclaire

Would you consider replacing sauce with puddle?
 — marieclaire

good and smooth, a perfect combination
 — useine

Thank you everyone who has commented and made suggestions.  I think I'll skip 'colustrum'--lol-thanks though.  

As for 'lonely sauce'--this poem developed out of wanting to spend the day cooking but having no one to cook for.  Tis the one thing I really miss, living alone, cooking up a storm.  Cooks want appreciation the way musicians want applause!

I will reconsider 'lonely sauce'--I'm attached to it so that means it may be a little darling I need to murder...

UnK--I've no idea at all what your comment means but I adore, "pretty wild tussles" and might just steal (borrow?) it one day to incorporate into a poem.  ;)
 — sybarite

Isabelle, marieclaire (pretty name)--thank you both for faving.

Isabelle, yup, you are not the only one who sleeps on the couch!
 — sybarite

I am glad to share my Dinosaur DNA  tussle word with you
 — unknown

Recent Best (expand)
0.487s