poetry critical

online poetry workshop



She Loved and Lost
unknown

A Sonic voice boomed over the Plasma Screen
 1
"I  love you earthling,
 2
or at least any man in a exoskeleton shell",
 3
"Space suit  I thought !" .
 4
She invited me to gaze at the screen
 5
Her platinum  eyes had the power
 6
to pull the World apart.
 7
Her breath bore like briars
 8
meshing flames into my veins
 9
 
 
Yet her indelible black heart
 10
was not as she envisaged
 11
Her stellar existence
 12
had about run its course,
 13
Preoccupied I sent a laser beam into her Craft
 14
It crackled under the Sun light
 15
serenely departing
 16
Had she got the message ?
 17

12 Jan 12

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Comments:

this reads like a high-school writing exercise in a remedial english class. it's not that you're dumb, just under challenged by the system. there's someone in the world who will read and resonate with your actual self and mind, and you have to write for them and show it to us, instead of showing these game-teasers.

you have to show it to us because we're like you but not hung up in the exact same way -- we can show you how to back off from your own hyper imagination and simply write what you're afraid to see in person. all great poetry comes from fear.
 — cadmium

Oh! This is seductive, but your punctuation is in a state of disarray.
May I proffer my own version?
Also, I don't think her eyes ought to be described as dark (too drab). Perhaps platinum or uraniam?

I am partial to and supportive of this theme.
 — lysandre

sonic was pretty good, i escpecially liked the turbospin thing he could do and then when you released the button he'd fly like crazy, but i don't recall him ever going into space, maybe it should be ratchet and clank, even though i never played the game i love the name of it, reminds me of my days as a homicidal heroin freak, those were some crazy times, man, but what can be said, genesis was the gateway drug of all time
 — unknown

thanks lysandre. you gem
 — unknown

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