poetry critical : poem

on reading my father's palms

unknown

The way my dad shook the hands	1
of long lost friends often brought me	2
to jealousy.	3
To witness the vigor of that grip,	4
release of his smile,	5
collapse of decades	6
of separation in an instant and	7
a son unsettled;	8
i will never know my dad like this.	9

7 Feb 12

Rated 4 (4) by 3 users.

Active (3): 1, 4
Inactive (0): 7

(define the words in this poem)

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Comments:

vigor us
— unknown

the line-breaking of decades of separation is bogus and crashes the poem to the desktop.

'dance of his frame' is too recherche, too poet-word contrived, and i think to make something like that work you have to spend a line on opening that cliche-object out and back into the natural voice. many poets have come up with many solutions for that problem. one might be,

collapse his frame,
collapse the decades,
the separation of instances; yet,
leave me uncounted.

... which is icky but kind of shows how to revive the pulse in what's becoming just a sentence taken from a novel.
— cadmium

yawn
— unknown

Thank-you
— unknown

love it!
— unknown

Tnx
— unknown

a son unsettled seems unnecessary and awkward. I would consider dropping it.
— unknown

the son has to keep getting up to turn over the palm fronds, cause they're pretty awkward and heavy, and all the text is on the little leave-ies and hard to read anyway.

anyway, what kind of a poetry reader wouldn't harmonically fall into 'son unsettled'? it's one of those phrases which is reinvented every 50 years in a poem and is always real if it comes from the poet's direct consciousness.
— cadmium

He'll forever know long-lost friends longer than his own son. Well-thought out. Reconsider some of the wording, but an intelligent sentiment otherwise. ~Henry 7/10
— HenryII

I concur with the 'son unsettled' comment.~Henry
— HenryII

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

If I had need of a MacGyversque showercap, then I'd consider your failed attempt at cleverness. I am however clean-shaven. ~Henry
— HenryII

a poet is probably the most clever person with wording, and all poets have a sense of humor. in fact, the poets know each other by their sense of humor, since all the 'sincerity' stuff is a given, is understood that that's the commercial exchange medium of 'poet'.
— cadmium

A poet sure--an unknown commenter, not so much.~Henry
— HenryII

unk is a fungus, and really a cowardness that is useless in a workshop. maybe in films it's ok to be 4 foot 7 and stand on a box to play the 6 foot hero, but here we see how people write comments too, and that's seeing the help they've had to get to where they are now, and why they talk as they do.
— cadmium

ignore the parasite cadmium / bauer.
— unknown

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