poetry critical

online poetry workshop



quartet
cadmium

Quartet
 1
 
 
[red ochre]
 2
 
 
i don’t know,
 3
but you’re like
 4
the clarity
 5
of water — beaker
 6
of translucency,
 7
transparent to the pines
 8
and hills of my tuscan
 9
vision: your renaissance eyes —
 10
                        da vinci
 11
                        figure in red
 12
                        chalk — drawn
 13
                        before he broke
 14
                        the glass
 15
                        of water.
 16
like water,
 17
you bend
 18
the elements
 19
of my vision —
 20
                       two echos
 21
                       off red river
 22
                       walls…
 23
 
 
                       or, so reality —
 24
                       as i might
 25
                       know reality;
 26
red clarity of my
 27
image of you
 28
this sunset evening,
 29
far from
 30
where you talk
 31
with friends,
 32
the empty glass
 33
upon your lips.
 34
 
 
                               10.19.03
 35
 
 
[cobalt blue]
 36
 
 
far away from you,
 37
there is a magic
 38
moment of you
 39
where i am two people…
 40
your hand on my chest,
 41
my heart,
 42
your heart in mine.
 43
 
 
far away from you,
 44
in that moment
 45
of being you,
 46
when i’m no
 47
longer gray
 48
and cold
 49
and only me,
 50
i kiss you
 51
kissing me,
 52
see your eyes —
 53
my sparkle blue
 54
stripped
 55
diamond pure
 56
in scattered velocities
 57
of crystal black —
 58
i miss you so…
 59
yet, never left you:
 60
               never joined,
 61
               our being ever only
 62
               mine as mirror
 63
               of a golden sky,
 64
               minor universe,
 65
               one half
 66
               of night.
 67
 
 
 
 
                                 10.25.03
 68
 
 
[burnt umber]
 69
 
 
you draw the line in amber gold,
 70
i draw pale green
 71
around
 72
your finger…
 73
               faggot tracing
 74
               of your memory…
 75
               green for amber
 76
               burnt
 77
               in mirrors,
 78
               umber browns,
 79
               green vivid
 80
                        blues and blood thin
 81
                        amber,
 82
                        red of summer
 83
                        meadows.
 84
 
 
i grab the earth,
 85
hold the dirt
 86
of grape and plankton
 87
fossil tissue —
 88
build a mound
 89
of amber orange:
 90
translucent tomb
 91
decayed to umber;
 92
in the quiet dark,
 93
              trace your name
 94
              into the earth,
 95
              i draw the art
 96
              and love
 97
              and umber-figured:
 98
              You were never
 99
              there at all.
 100
 
 
amber sparkles, in the dirt,
 101
my faggot soul.
 102
 
 
 
 
                                10.26.03
 103
 
 
[chrome yellow]
 104
 
 
all the edges
 105
of sand
 106
in shallow water,
 107
earth’s ripple —
 108
movement over waves —
 109
have turned
 110
to water.
 111
             all is liquid
 112
             and colored
 113
             red ochre…
 114
 
 
forest fires
 115
blaze bright,
 116
consuming
 117
lesser motions;
 118
all is fire,
 119
casting color
 120
on the pale
 121
periphery of
 122
ocean.
 123
             water of life,
 124
             water joining
 125
             boy and girl —
 126
             chrome ochre
 127
             chest and arms
 128
             claim precedence
 129
             of love and yet
 130
             is told as colored
 131
             water:
 132
             caustic yellow,
 133
             chrome identity, boy
 134
             and girl.
 135
 
 
chrome yellow hair,
 136
chrome wave
 137
above the sea,
 138
blue shadows.
 139
 
 
 
 
                               10.26.03
 140
 
 
 
 
...
 141

4 Apr 12

Rated 10 (6.4) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(52 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

this is beautiful!  i should run as a river, red river, sing a tale as i fold and unfold from the hill to the ocean.

white wave
 — unknown

still, always

10
 — dvdsxr

Self indulgent, over written, and saccharine. Brain numbingly bad, like the worst of modern day workshop poetry. It thinks it is so precious. It is not.
 — unknown

worst words, worst order.
 — unknown

Your uncreated line structure can not hide your inability to write poetry.
 — unknown

it's like you're cosmic.
 — cadmium

repost for modern readers
 — cadmium

there's a vid of me reading this and another of me  reading and talking about other of my stuff.

quartet:

https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=nYueYUJzv4E

other stuff:

https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=XD6RuoPSbjM

might help.
 — cadmium

Intriguing. Use of colour for memory; not a new thing, but your experience with the various pigments is stamped into the verses.
 — Zala

The colors are only shadows. But, I hear colors and see sounds. It's what poets do. There are no colors in this, only feelings formed into emotions.

it's supposed to break your heart. If it doesn't then it failed.    
 — cadmium

still, a better poet than you. and, i can actually talk about how a poet writes a poem. you can't, so you have to do this diva shit to divert from the topic and concept.

go post your stuff on my little poemy dot com next time.
 — cadmium

meh
 — percocet

UCLA lawyers.
 — cadmium

thanks, dvdxr.
 — cadmium

Atmospheric and impressionist?  Sometimes. But, difficult reading and not written for everyone.  
 — cadmium

Your poem in "colored water" images is moving and thought provoking; lines 86-103 are just heartbreaking.  The ending ties it all together, as it should.  Fine work.
 — SilverGirl

This poem told in "colored water" images is gorgeous, symbolic, moving.  Lines 86-103 are just heartbreaking.  The ending is perfect-- ties the tale together as it should, and leaves the reader with the impressions, the mood of the whole.  Fine poem.
 — SilverGirl

Really glad you got it.
 — cadmium

bump.
 — unknown

Its almost like this was written by a different person - there are no double dashes for one thing - which I find cheap and crude (-- see?)

But silliness aside, of course its good.

Would I say it's brilliant or 'gneiss'? No. In fact, not a bit even. But that is what makes it good.

If it were mine I would take out the dates. So it was about "love" that you are sharing and not a personal "love" documented. That's the difference. And that has to be the exit to write poetry I think. An accessible shared emotion: based wholly on the experience of the 'narrator' but not something so personal we cannot allow others to share it.

We still own it. You own this, Mike (and I know its been published) - but to really have it read in a personal and 'owned' way, I think you need to take out the dates. It doesn't do for the reader to know 'you'.

Be "selfless for Kelly" (wasn't that a poem?) - and see how and where it can take you.

(Sorry, darling, but you really ain't that pleasant if your behaviour on this site is anything to go by)

:-)
 — unknown

pollycrackers loves telling people what they should and shouldn't be doing.
it's almost as if she owns this site.

considering her poor record of looking after her own kids she has no place anywhere to tell anyone anything.
 — unknown

the double line is supposed to be a long dash, which is used in printing to show time-sequence. a single line, like you, unk, use, is to show connection of single words -- hyphenation. i used the double dash here because i don't know if the long-dash character is going to show on all devices. that's all.
 — cadmium

thing about the dates is that i'm posting here as workshop, and not as american poetry idol contest. the dates are there to help show the mechanics of how this poem got written... you can see that they were written in sequence and that that might have affected the writing -- perhaps weakening it.

the reason for posting here is to get some clever writers to show me where i fucked up, where i flinched. i consider this a workshop, and take the 'critical' part very seriously. i really encourage beginners to post anon and to just post and take the consequences in a protected way. but, i'm a grownup and have been doing this so long that i want only transparency here. i post in the way i'd want to see the work, to know the author and how the poem got written. ideally, i should show edit versions, but i think that would just clutter this too linear format. ( if we were together in person, we could share typeouts hand to hand of the different versions.
 — cadmium

Thanks for the reply Cadmium. But what has my commenting on it got to do with children being trolled?
 — unknown

I'll use double dashes in chat. I wouldn't put them in a poem. Its too busy.
 — unknown

I thought the dates were there to show a reluctance at going the whole hog or throwing it to the wolves, so to speak - to keep an element (or at least show),an element...that is selfish and unwilling to hand the subject over to poetry.
 — unknown

well, you don't understand the form here in p.c., how it works as an advanced discussion on poetry and poetry making. how honesty is more important than impressing with a facile visionary seer trip or genius or advanced or retarded school studies ( oy nevah stoodied poertry in me life! i just mook it out and it's better than them poofs in oxford showing off they backside, iin't it?)

and, the double dash, now that you understand, will maybe not bother you. it's a fact of literacy, you know, to be able to read the markings.
 — cadmium

Yeah but nobody understands the form at the website apparently....

You just don't want your poem commented on or discussed (not by a woman. not by me.)

that 'accents' funny although presented in an obnoxious and defensive way, I think.

I'm not saying double dashes are wrong, just pointing out why I don't like them -- Same as I'm not saying the dates in this poem are wrong - just discussing reasons they are there.
 — unknown

i don't need it discussed by people who don't have much experience with world poetry and world music. if you were a genius, you'd have something to say about the poem and not about me. all you family-types can only project force through physical aggression. you can't punch me out here, so you spam out, like a horse peeing in a field.

the failure of democracy is that it allowed people like you to think you've got an education just because you learned to read -- all they taught you was how to vote and how to earn money so you could pay teacher's salaries. learning to read and write meant leaning to be a chicken counter at the chicken factory. they didn't really care if you understood wordsworth at all.

your opinion on form and format just isn't important to me... it's just small time, lower class trying to project force through intellect without knowing what language the dialog is actually in. you're the talking horse.
 — cadmium

okay
 — unknown

maybe the poem just isn't that exciting. maybe the title is an affected rip off.

maybe I commented in the first place because I felt that you were a lonely old man who needed a bit of positive attention.

maybe.....cadders.
 — unknown

and as I said, go find alc and jenn and have your own poetry group. your poetry is not for the likes of anyone else, apparently.

you didn't thank me or anything - completely ungracious. so as far as I am concerned you deserve to have your work ignored.
 — unknown

Maybe it is. Watch the youtube and see if it works for you. Otherwise, there's pound's pizen cantos, which really are way better than this. But, still,  it's a relentlessly strong writing. I only publish what I'd want to read. Maybe we should just ignore each other from now on. You date polly and and I'll date everything else.  
 — cadmium

All unks are the same unk. That should not seem so sad.  
 — cadmium

so, this one took about two months of very hard writing. didn't want to give up the poem inside it, and i couldn't let go. conceived in string-quartet form after the first piece -- knew i wanted a slow second movement, then an uptempo third movement, and finally a quick presto with thoughts forth movement.

written in long-hand then typed and edited from the typescript.
 — cadmium

show and tell to go with a crit I just wrote.
 — cadmium

v day 2016 flood o'love
 — cadmium

Your poem has a flow, maybe we could talk to each other some time
 — percocet

yeah, I like your stuff too, I just don't sometimes get where you're at or where you're coming from.
 — cadmium

Great poem... now stfu.
 — percocet

you really think you've got a right to critique this, if all you can say is 'great poem'...? go do a crossword puzzle. there'll always be a correct answer. that's all you want.
 — cadmium

I like this
 — hank

You are better than these, I, or any one, gave you credit for.

But you quit-  you quit,
Like a dog with an empathy leg-

THey call it ant-jeff

Your leg hurts so bad?

You are not so bald, to be glad?

Real life.... troll-
real life..
?   ?   ?    ?    ?  &n bsp; ?  

  
 — percocet

some color for mr. black.
 — cadmium

I like this a lot, particularly the last section.
 — RfrancisR

thanks. it's got to be that way, i guess, in these classical pieces. where one movement is controlled so that the next sounds brighter. but, i always figured the last part would be the hardest to read, so i'm happy.
 — cadmium

i love the way you fight for your poems. it makes you more beautiful. you're a great writer and your poetry is brilliant, challenging  and inspiring. nice to know you're out there. ok, that's enough sucking up for now.
 — frank2

thank you, frank. i hope here my fighting is to move everyone to take more chances in how they write.
 — cadmium

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